Happy December, everyone! I hope you all snuggle up with your loved ones, grab a hot cup of coco, and read this article about three crappy Steam Greenlight games. Unless you are our good friend SiliconNooB, in which case you are probably sweating to death in the horrible heat of an Australian summer. It is probably like a million degrees there right now. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question. Enjoy!
2spooky4me
As usual, Steam Greenlight never fails to impress. Greenlight impresses me when it comes to how stupid and dumb and horrible and dumb and stupid the games look. This is just a “find the hidden objects” game. In fact, I am not even sure this, or any other addition to the genre, a “game.” For those of you who do not know what a hidden object game is, I assume you have been hiding under a rock for like twenty years, it involves the player trying to find certain objects in a still picture of a bunch of other random objects. Imagine Where’s Waldo, but all the rooms look like they came straight out of a hoarder’s house. What makes this “game” even better, or worse depending on your point of view, is that the developer added some stupid Venetian horror elements to the game. For example, just look at the cover picture to the Steam Greenlight entry. It is like the developer went to one steampunk convention and decided he or she was a part of that culture. Also, the games on Steam Greenlight are meant to be purchased by consumers, correct? Are there not like a million versions of these hidden object games on mobile devices that are free? This games makes no sense. The worst thing is that I bet this WILL sell well because a bunch of those steampunk nerds will get into it.
Best Comment: the_liolik: “I love to play puzzle games, and thats I would have bought. Voted.” (Wh…what?)
Where dat potato at, tho?
Blue Portals: Anniversary Edition
At first this entry confused me. The screenshots looked like someone was just submitting Portal to Steam Greenlight. I thought that whoever did this was either really stupid, had really big balls, or both. Then I read the game’s description and realized it is just a mod of Portal. A mod of a really good game that was released on pretty much every format ever. A five-year-old mod of a really good game. This is the kind of stuff that gets submitted to Greenlight. This is not even a semi-original game, and the developer wants people to pay money for it? The only difference between the mod and the normal Portal game is that the player only has one portal to solve the puzzles with versus the two that the player has in the original game. Pro tip for all would-be game designers out there: do NOT switch up the gameplay elements of a game made by a company with a pretty great track record. It will not end well for you. It is beyond my understand why the developer is releasing this on Greenlight. Since when to fan-made mods get their own Steam entries? Oh, and FYI to the developer of this: ever heard of a little game called Portal 2? That was the real Portal sequel we needed and wanted.
Best Comment: FOX: “WTF.Portal 3 ?”
The future of warfare…. if you lived in 1984.
Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare
If someone were to ask me what game sums up Steam Greenlight, I would probably show them this. Crappy graphics, boring screenshots, and an entry that is written is semi-understandable English. Here, see for yourself: “Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare : is a combat fight simulator based on the future warfare tank unit.” Oh, yes. I remember reading on CNN about the US military’s new “future tank unit” division. “Mount any weapon which this versatile tank could carry – from machine gun, laser gun, and missile.” Not multiple machine guns, or a couple different laser guns, or even a few missiles. You can only have ONE of each! “Featuring: Over 6 missions based on fictional conflicts;” Wow! A while SIX different missions?! Incredible! Oh, and you are telling me that this game is not based off a real story? Impossible. “Three different environments – Desert, Coastal, Urban Warfare.” Basically the developer just based the maps in this game off the maps in any given Call of Duty game. “Single- and Multiplayer modes, including Challenges, Deathmatch, Instant Battle, and Co-operative missions;” I have a feeling you will not find anyone to play with in this game. “Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare is developed by Bonvivid Game, independent developer, Voxel Tank Battle will release in the first half of 2016 on PC as a digital download.” Wait, you are telling me that this game with really mediocre graphics is NOT mad by a big game studio like Ubisoft or Activision? Incredible!
Best Comment: Skoardy: “If you feel like putting some effort in an adapting your mobile game to a desktop format and submitting that game, I’ll happily vote yes or no but I give instant ‘no thanks’ when devs just dump mobiles on Greenlight.”
