This week brings us news of E3…and not much else. There were a few trivial things, but as I complained to Grandpa Lusipurr, the Internet is too busy sucking E3 penis to bother with anything else, and since we here at Lusipurr.com are not fond of it going in our eye, we have decided to swallow.
Probably his entire rationale behind the Wii.
The Three Console Lords
Of all our expectations for E3, perhaps our highest are with the trio of console developers: Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft. So what do they have in store for us this year? What else, new consoles! Or at least, so says the rumors of the internet. In Nintendo’s case, we all have been hearing for weeks about the 3DS, and the hope is that E3 will bring us some action shots of the revolutionary device. But in addition to the handheld, rumors also swirl about the “Wii 2″ or, as speculation has it, the “Wii HiFi,” a device supposedly having the capabilities of an XBox 360, including HD graphics, with a much larger area for online content. In Sony’s arena, the easiest rumor to dispel is the PS4. First, the ‘trailer’ found online has been called out as a phony, and second, why would Sony announce a new console at the same time as promoting peripherals for the old one? Great things are expected of the Move at E3 this year, especially announcement of new games for the motion peripheral. However, the rumors are up and down about Sony possibly premiering the PSP2; some sources say it will be shown, others say its not even ready, and still more say its ready but not going to be shown, so we will just have to wait until Tuesday. And last but not least, the big M. Their huge hit is going to be the Natal, with announcements about it flying like hotcakes. But we already knew this, the unknown lies with the 360 itself. A price drop in some areas of the world has spurned speculation that your XBox is going one of those awesome diets where you eat more but get skinnier, adding a 250GB HDD and Wi-Fi capability while becoming a slim model a-la-PS2. Out of all of the new console rumors out there, this one is probably the most believable.
Because you are not paying enough attention to the game, have some tits.
The More You Know
Amongst all this speculation, its very confusing to tell the confirmed games from those that nerdy fanboys just really want to see. But here at Lusipurr.com, we are all about trufax! And debauchery, but E3 probably has enough of that. So on with the facts! Beginning again with the tremendous trio, we see more Pokemans from Nintendo along with some Zelda and Metroid, as well as the highly-anticipated Xenoblade. Sony is predictable, with inFamous 2, Killzone 3, Little Big Planet 2, their E3-staple-of-the-past-few-years Gran Turismo 5, and the curious Last Guardian. Microsoft, in highly predictable fashion, is all about Fable 3, Gears of War 3, and Crackdown 2…way to be unique, guys. The big names in development are lining up a lot of crowd-pleasers, though along with Sony’s everlasting-GT5, some of these are old news as well. Our favorite nemesis here at Lusipurr.com, Square-Enix, makes us remember why we love them with promises of Dungeon Siege 3, a new Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy XIV, and Deux Ex: Human Revolution, then makes us remember why we hate them by rehashing The 3rd Birthday, Final Fantasy Versus XIII, and an old Kingdom Hearts that will be released very shortly anyway. The downsize-expanding Sega has Grandpa Lusipurr wetting himself over Valkyria Chronicles 2 in addition to a new Aliens games, Conduit 2, and more blue hedgehog. Warner Bros. delights with a sequel to Arkham Asylum, as well as new ectoplasmic babby with F.E.A.R. 3. Ubisoft brings us new Assassin’s Creed and Ghost Recon, while competitor Activision’s team will show us more Black Ops and DJ Hero 2 against MTV Games’ Rock Band 3. Capcom is garnering lots of attention with Marvel vs. Capcom 3, Dead Rising 2, and the adorable Okamiden, while Bethesda hopefully gives us some more substantial information about Fallout New Vegas. Finally, Electronic Arts is busting out the biggest of the guns this year, outpacing all its competitors with a slough of games, and not just their shitty sports titles. Mass Effect 3, Dragon Age 2, Medal of Honor, Dead Space 2, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Bulletstorm, Crysis 2, and just for Ginia, new Sims are all to be expected this upcoming week at E3 2010. Edit: EA representatives are saying that Mass Effect 3 and Dragon Age 2 will NOT be at E3 2010, and it has noticeably disappeared from GameSpot’s E3 conference map. Sorry Lusi-sprites!
Ginia, Kenjew, confer with me here: most uncomfortable bra ever?
More Rumors Than You Can Beat With A Stick
It is becoming increasingly clear that gamers, despite being the ostracized nerds in high school, are equally as capable at spreading rumors as your average fifteen-year-old cheerleader. Some of them are the deluded dreams of rabid fans, while others we can blame on developer teasing, but they will hopefully all be addressed in the upcoming week. The weirdest of these has got to go to the one man out there who was probably determined to win a Weirdest Teasing Ever award, Hideo Kojima. For the past few days, his website has featured a countdown that, interestingly, counts down to Monday, Microsoft’s press conference. And coincidentally, Microsoft has announced an a super-secret exclusive from Konami. Now the two may not be related, but I am just looking at the writing on the wall here. Another off-the-wall rumor is that the fabled Duke Nukem Forever will be announced…I am pretty certain this game is just like ‘Freebird,’ you go to concerts and yell for it even though you really do not want to hear it, you just want to be the pretentious douche yelling it. The one rumor that everyone probably really really wanted is…well, it will not be either confirmed or denied. Delicious Portal 2 cake was going to be served, but a letter to the media said it had been replaced with a ‘surprise,’ which many thought could be Half-Life 3 related. Turns out that surprise was a complete cancellation of their press conference, so even after E3 is done, Valve will continue turning the rumor mill.
Because this news post does not contain lolis, I needed another picture to make Lane's workplace hate him.
Why We Should Take It All With a Grain of Salt
Metal Gear Solid: Rising. Golden Sun DS and Resident Evil PSP. The 3rd Birthday. Gran Turismo 5. Pikmin 3. Homefront. Final Fantasy Versus XIII and Agito XIII. Even the damned Wii Vitality Sensor. The one thing these all have in common is that they were all announced at a previous E3 or given some amount of footage or gameplay. Some of them were waved in our faces not just last year, but several E3 conferences ago (you know I am looking at you, Square-Enix). With Valve having already pulled out days before we begin, could this E3 be a bomb with even more games being announced indefinitely? Here is hoping that the 2010 E3 conference goes well…and that between now and June 2011, all these held-up games actually go somewhere this time.
And if you were curious, this post took five hours and Firefox crashing from too many tabs open. There is that much fucking E3 news. I was not kidding when I said earlier that we had to swallow. Next Saturday’s news stories: post-E3! Or my obituary, whatever is more appealing.
