Announcement: War Is Declared

By Lusipurr
15 Comments
Anti-CHARITY, Anti-GENEROSITY, Anti-YOU!

The ENEMY of our time! Behold his brandished weaponry, his dead eyes, his scowling brow, his fist raised to strike!

Lusipurr.com Headquarters
Zestria Tower No. 1, Zestria Dr.
Zestria™ville (formerly Topeka), KS
Her Majesty’s American Colonies

WHEREAS Christopher ‘Sabine’ Privateer hath in DIVERS AND SUNDRY WAYS flounted the GOODWILL, GENEROSITY, and CHARITABLE NATURE of the READERSHIP of Lusipurr.com; and,

WHEREAS the said Christina hath SCORNED the acts of CHARITY expressed by the aforesaid site with regard to the DELIVERY of one (1) block of refined Zestria™ (the revolutionary new additive that simply everyone is talking about!), weight fifty pounds (50lb), by REFUSING the said delivery attempt by the UNITED PARCEL SERVICE of Sandy Springs, Georgia; and,

WHEREAS the said Chrissy remaineth UNREPENTANT and persisteth in CHURLISH hostility to our EXPANSIVE and EVER-GROWING readership;

Lusipurr.com has no alternative but to declare WAR upon the aforesaid Chrissa, with immediate effect.

Given this day by my hand,

LUSIPURR

17 March 2015
God Save the Queen!

15 Comments

  1. KisakiProject
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 16:04 | Permalink

    I think this scene sums up my feelings on the subject. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsUscVoZcMQ

  2. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 16:07 | Permalink

    We will stop at nothing until our every demand is met and every matter redressed!

    WE ARE NOW ACCEPTING VOLUNTEERS FOR THE LUSIPURR.COM ARMED FORCES!

    Sign up now; get in before the compulsory service impressment services sweep you up anyway!

  3. Chris Privitere
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 16:07 | Permalink

    I repent.

    I also surrender.

  4. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 16:13 | Permalink

    VICTORY! WE HAVE VICTORY!
    THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE HAS SURRENDERED!
    THE SNAKE IS DEFANGED! REJOICE!
    REJOICE!

  5. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 16:23 | Permalink

    TERMS OF SURRENDER

    The DEFEATED PARTY shall, as a CONDITION of SURRENDER:

    – Accept all outstanding Zestria™ (the revolutionary new additive that simply everyone is talking about!) shipments; and,
    – Accept all subsequent Zestria™ (the revolutionary new additive that simply everyone will still be talking about!) shipments; and,
    – Display all Zestria™ (the revolutionary new additive that simply everyone will be asking about!) shipments in a prominent place within the primary legal residence; and,
    – Pay a yearly tribute to Luspiurr of One Million British Pounds Sterling (£1,000,000.00) or one pound (1lb) of lemon drops, upon demand, shipping inclusive; and,
    – Accept full (legal, spiritual, psychological, environmental, philosophical, historical, economical, governmental, liturgical, parental, musical, and culinary) responsibility for the war,

    WHEREUPON the WAR (hereafter referred to as “The Zestria™ (the revolutionary new additive that simply everyone is going to war about!) War”) shall be considered concluded in the favour of Lusipurr, Lusipurr.com, and Zestria™®©.

    PROPOSED 17 March 2015 by LUSIPURR
    Chief High General Field Marshal of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Space Command
    Lusipurr.com

  6. Wolfe
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 19:41 | Permalink

    Ahahahahaaaa~~~~

  7. SiliconN00B
    Posted 2015.03.17 at 21:22 | Permalink

    May God have mercy upon his soul.

  8. Bilious Mouthfarting
    Posted 2015.03.18 at 07:09 | Permalink

    As Lord of House Mouthfarting in Belchford-upon-Ringwind, I lend my approval and support of enforcement to these terms!

  9. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.18 at 11:36 | Permalink

    I regret to announce that Chrisana has refused to accept the first three terms given above.

    Therefore, we must resume hostilities. Our war will be conducted on three fronts:

    1. We will contact those who support him, notify them that he has churlishly refused gifts which he could just as easily accepted then re-gifted or re-cycled, and encourage them to ostracise him;
    2. We will encourage a boycott of him personally, and all related goods and services; and,
    3. We will wage war, by sea, land, and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.

    AND, we will, of course, use our giant robots.

  10. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2015.03.18 at 12:48 | Permalink

    When we are done we shall sow his fields with Zestria, so that future generations might know of our generosity!

  11. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.20 at 19:43 | Permalink

    NEWS FROM THE FRONT:

    I have today issued an executive order, already implemented, for the following actions:

    – The honourary staff member status granted especially to Christy Privateer and his ‘partner’, Amanarie, has been revoked.
    – Christie and Amanare have been placed on our blacklist, unfollowed on social media, and ejected from our chat channel.

    Furthermore, I have commissioned an exposé for tomorrow’s podcast to present this instance of rank and wasteful ingratitude to our readership in the clearest possible way.

  12. Mel
    Posted 2015.03.22 at 13:23 | Permalink

    Frankly, I have no idea why we even HAD Christoph and Anemone-Marie Pirateer on our honor roll to begin with!

  13. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.22 at 16:32 | Permalink

    @Mel: It came about some years ago during a passing fit of kindness and bonhomie. I HAVE LEARNED THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. Never again will Kristoff and Amiimii darken our door!

  14. Savante
    Posted 2015.03.22 at 22:56 | Permalink

    What the hell is going on?

    Never mind that. You have my support. #zestria #sabinstinks2015

  15. Lusipurr
    Posted 2015.03.22 at 23:31 | Permalink

    Yes! HASHTAG COMBAT!

    #sabinstinks2015 #zestria(the revolutionary new hashtag that simply everyone is talking about!)