One of my favorite game villains ever, and one big reason why the Portals were so good.

Immersion in games has always been a rarity for me. Those games which I do find immersive tend to have quite a bit in common. Even though I only finally played the game a year ago, I found the original Half-Life to be wonderfully immersive; the older graphics have aged remarkably well and great care clearly was put into making Black Mesa a fleshed-out place to explore. The fact that Half-Life was so immersive, even after twelve years, is a sign that Valve created an excellent gaming experience. I have yet to play the sequels, but I do own them.

I also found the two Portal games extremely immersive; I will not go into much detail as I have already talked the two games to death. Amnesia, the Portal series, and Half-Life are notably all first person games, and while I have in the past stated my dislike for the first-person perspective, it seems I have changed my point of view as I have matured. The first-person perspective contributes rather obviously to a game’s immersion; it is far easier to lose oneself in a world when seeing through the character’s eyes than it is to become immersed while watching events from a third-person perspective. I cannot help but notice that despite my constant assertions that I do not like the first-person perspective in gaming, many of my overall favorite games are first-person experiences.

The other major factor the four games I have mentioned have that adds to their immersion is their clever use of gameplay to tell their stories. It is far easier to get immersed in a game when the storyline and gameplay are well-integrated. Even well-written and well-designed cutscenes do pull players out of the gameplay, after all. One advantage games have as a medium is the player’s ability to interact with the setting, so a game like Portal 2 that tells its story almost entirely during its gameplay can be far more immersive than a movie or television show. Even Bastion, a third person game, managed to be decently immersive because it operated on the principle of storytelling via playing.

Amnesia is actually pretty scary.

The blank slate nature of characters like The Kid, Chell, and Gordon Freeman also contribute to immersion. A blank personality makes it far easier for players to see themselves as the characters. Writing and setting are also obviously important; bad writing or a boring setting are not particularly compelling and give the player no real sense of immersion in a game world. A unique, interesting setting with a creative art style and clever writing can definitely make a game immersive, and a game with good immersion is truly a memorable experience.

I still prefer seeking out games with fun gameplay above all else, but I have definitely become more open to the idea of an immersive game storyline. True immersion in a game world is still a rarity for me, but it is definitely something special when it does happen. I have Bioshock queued up to play soon; enough people have told me it is a good, immersive game that I bought it a few years back during a Steam sale. I also own The Orange Box and do eventually plan to play Half-Life 2 and its sequels, but I have no idea when I will actually get around to playing them. What immersive games have you played, readers? Are there other games that are both fun and immersive that I have missed? Am I wrong about the games that I have listed? Please let me know, readers

One of the things that makes the Katamari games so memorable is their uniqueness; their unconventional premise and gameplay make for a gaming experience that is unlike any other game today. Pinning a genre or combination of genres down for the Katamari series is a difficult endeavor. Are they adventure games? Or perhaps action-puzzle? Regardless of their genre(s), the Katamari titles built up a cult following because of their uniqueness and because they are simply fun to play. Certainly the phenomenal music and colorful settings did not hurt, either. The entire Katamari package is strange yet rewarding, and the games have earned their cult following for good reason.

Katamari Damacy does have one genre classification: RPG, or “Roll-Playing Game”.

Genre-breaking in gaming is nothing new, however. Even older games often did not fit nicely into one or more genre classifications. For example, Pac-Man is a game that still defies conventional genre classification. Perhaps an argument could be made for Pac-Man as a sort of action game, but even this does very little to explain anything about the game. The massive success that Pac-Man achieved can in part be attributed to its uniqueness; its easy-to-learn mechanics and relatively fast-paced gameplay for its time also certainly contributed to its popularity. Pac-Man managed to work within the limits of 1980 arcade cabinet technology to create a wholly new and interesting game with widespead appeal.

flOw is an example of genre-defying gameplay that does not work as well; flOw‘s design only takes a few minutes to wear out its welcome and stop being interesting. The design of flOw is honestly too minimalistic for its own good. The game does a poor job of making its goal or even its premise clear to the player. While it is a unique game, flOw is unfortunately too experimental, too minimalistic, and too simple to have any sort of longevity or replay value.

Like flOw, Flower is a game that defies classification. While also extremely simple and minimalistic, Flower had something flOw did not: beautiful atmosphere and setting. The end result is something that is not fun in the sense that most games are fun but is instead enjoyable as a mellow experience that allows gamers to unwind and relax. The Flower experience is also aided by its shortness. If it were a longer game, then it would certainly wear out its welcome, but Flower can be played through in only about an hour or two.

”There is no exploration in Metroid!”

There also exist several games that blend genres in ways that are interesting. These games do not defy genre classification, but instead are able to be placed in multiple genres. An example of one such game is Metroid Prime, which combines the Metroid action-platforming with a first person perspective to create an FPS-adventure hybrid. This transition from 2D platforming to 3D FPS-adventure worked especially well; Metroid Prime is a wonderful example of what 3D gaming can be.

The two Portal games also seek to create a new genre that blends FPS with another type of game, in this case puzzles. Portal is a first-person shooter, but rather than shooting enemies, the player is shooting portals at walls and floors to solve puzzles. Combining this genre-blending gameplay with the writing and carefully-crafted setting, Portal and Portal 2 became two of the most beloved titles among modern gamers. The creativity involved in the two games is extremely high. I will not say more about the two Portal titles, though, since I already reviewed both of them for the site.

Based on the games discussed this week, it seems that clever blending of genres is one way game developers can create new and interesting games for the innovation-hungry masses. Genre-blending is not always a good thing, of course; for example, Secret of Mana and Illusion of Gaia combined RPG mechanics with action gameplay and wound up failing at both genres. There are of course, many other genre-bending titles out there, like Persona 4 and Borderlands, but I only wanted to talk about titles with which I have personal experience. What are some other good (or bad) examples of genre-defying or genre-combining titles, readers? Is the meshing of genres typically a good thing, or a bad thing? Comment, dear readers, and share your thoughts!

This game is clearly not Super Smash Bros.

Produced 2012.04.29

SiliconNooB and Deimosion join forces with Lusipurr to talk about many games that are definitely not Super Smash Bros., but which almost certainly include two different types of girl-centrered games. Surprise: the one about amputees is the good one!

Torrentfreak Logo

Eyebrows were raised this week when Torrentfreak indulged in some New Year’s naughtiness by listing 2011’s most highly torrented games, almost half of which had torrents which exceeded their recorded game sales.

Predictably enough the PC came out on top as the platform most pirated, with every single entry in its top five torrents outstripping the legitimate sales of the titles in question. Leading the pack was Crysis 2 at 3,920,000 downloads, followed by Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 at 3,650,000, Battlefield 3 at 3,510,000, Fifa 12 at 3,390,000, and finally Portal 2 at 3,240,000 illegal downloads.

2011 saw the Nintendo Wii as the home console most effected by illegal video game torrents, with Fifa 12 accruing twice the number of torrents as game sales, while Xenoblade Chronicles managed roughly one third as many legitimate game sales as illegal torrents. The list is as follows: Super Mario Galaxy 2 came in at first place with 1,280,000 torrents, followed by Mario Sports Mix at 1,090,000, Xenoblade Chronicle at 950,000, Lego Pirates of the Caribbean at 870,000, and lastlyFifa 12 at 860,000 torrents.

Finally, 2011 saw the Xbox 360 fare much better against piracy than the Nintendo Wii, with all of its top titles outselling their documented torrents. Further, none of the 360’s top torrents managed to crack the one million mark, which is a considerable achievement given that its top three places are home to three of the year’s top multi-million selling franchises. Coming in at number one was Gears of War 3 which amassed 890,000 torrents, followed by Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 at 830,000, Battlefield 3 at 760,000, Forza Motorsport 4 at 720,000, and Kinect Sports: Season Two weighing in at 690,000 downloads.

Interestingly, Torrentfreak have stated that they did not supply rankings for the PS3 and other platforms because they did not play host to a significant number of torrents.

Portal 2 U.S. Box Art

The mad geniuses at Valve have this week signaled their intent to deliver the second substantial content update to Portal 2 by early next year, Valve time permitting.

The content in question is primarily focused on providing Portal 2 owners with an easy to use map editor, allowing players to create their own test chambers which they can then share with the community. Players will have the ability to create both single player and co-op content and the community will then be able to play and rate user-created maps, thus vetting the quality of what is sure to amount to virtually endless reams of game content for Portal fans.

Portal 2 U.S. Box Art

Valve has announced today that the new DLC for Portal 2 is available for download. Entitled Portal 2: Peer Review, this free DLC is available to all owners of Portal 2. It can be downloaded on PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, and will be automatically downloaded for owners using Steam on Mac or PC.

In the Portal 2 co-op mode, players would join forces as the robots P-Body and Atlas, completing puzzles for GLaDOS as she led them through a plethora of challenges. From finding data disks outside of the testing grounds to testing out the latest puzzles, these poor robots are put through a lot at the mercy of GLaDOS. In Portal 2: Peer Review, These robots see their return. Once more working for GLaDOS, P-Body and Atlas will have to work their way through a mysterious new puzzle and once again match wits with their creator. The free DLC will also include single player and co-op challenge modes, with leaderboards so players can brag about their scores with their friends or with other players online.

To celebrate the release of Portal 2: Peer Review, Portal 2 is now on sale on Steam for 50% off of the retail price until Thursday at 4pm PT.

Selphie Tilmitt, the main character of Final Fantasy VIII

Produced 2011.10.02

In this week’s episode, Emmori prepares for a game involving thrones, Enrei is humbled by a bundle, Blitzmage announces a free soundtrack, and Lusipurr is finally released! Also: The Final Fantasy VIII playthrough continues through week two, sadly.

* * *

Here’s a link to our Extra Life Donation Page!

Portal 2

Valve has announced today that “Portal 2: Peer Review” will be coming to the PC, Mac, PS3, and Xbox 360 on October 4th. Owners of consoles will have to download this DLC manually, while it will be automatically downloaded for those using Steam on PC and Mac. Portal 2: Peer Review is the first free DLC release for the game and continues the story in the co-op mode. P-Body and Atlus are again woven though a maze of GLaDOS’ puzzles in this addition to the game, along with a Challenge Mode that can be played either alone or cooperatively. Challenge Mode also has a leaderboard, so players may compare their scores to friends and the the Portal 2 community at large.

She has been really busy being dead. You know. After you MURDERED HER.

Being an artificial intelligence, GLaDOS does not die when she is killed. In Portal 2, the bumbling Wheatley reawakens her and she begins to test Chell once more. She harbors obvious resentment toward Chell for killing her, even when she is stuck as a potato battery. She asks Chell to assist her, stating that Chell is “good at murder.” By the time Chell meets up with GLaDOS in the underground portion of the facility, GLaDOS is fully aware that Wheatley cannot keep the facility running and that it will destroy itself without her intervention. She forms a truce with Chell and plans her return to power. During their trek to find and stop Wheatley, Chell and GLaDOS discover a dark secret. In pre-recorded messages that play throughout the facility, Aperture Science’s founder Cave Johnson asks the scientists working for the company to save him from an inevitable death by developing technology to download a person’s identity into a computer. When it becomes apparent that he will not survive, he demands that they put his assistant, Caroline, into his computer instead, and that she run the facility after he is dead. Chell and GLaDOS discover that GLaDOS is actually Caroline’s personality with additional programming. Shocked by this discovery, GLaDOS speaks in a much less hostile manner to Chell for the remainder of the game. In the end, GLaDOS saves Chell from death on the moon and releases her from Aperture Science Laboratories.

GLaDOS as a potato.

GLaDOS is the result of a human woman’s identity being unwillingly thrust into an artificial intelligence program. Over time, she has lost almost all of her humanity. Stuck in a body that prods her with the need to perform dangerous tests on human subjects, she has been driven to madness. She tries to kill the scientists who trapped her in the computer and eventually, whether out of frustration at the diminishing feeling of accomplishment for performing tests, or because she does not like humans, she kills her test subjects one by one. When Chell survives an attempt on her life, GLaDOS is physically confronted for the first time by a person who disagrees with her.

GLaDOS honestly believes that her actions are justified. She believes that she is a champion of science, and speaks of it as if it were some mythical being. She cannot understand why Chell would want to kill her. After her reawakening, GLaDOS masks her thoughts of revenge against Chell by stating, “I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.” She believes that she is the victim of Chell, who she views as a murderous psychopath. When she is free of her old body, though, she experiences a change of heart. The discovery that Caroline’s personality is alive inside of her makes her doubt her relationship with Chell. She begins to understand that Chell is only trying to stay alive. She defends Chell from Wheatley’s verbal assault and ultimately saves Chell from dying when a portal sucks Chell and Wheatley to the moon. When GLaDOS is away from her body, she thinks differently. Some might argue that she thinks more rationally, but GLaDOS believes that she is only rational when she is able to perform tests.

Goodbye, Caroline.

She is stubborn, trying to hide any feelings more complex than resentment toward Chell and a love for science. By the end of Portal 2, she admits that she considers Chell a friend. Immediately, though, she tries to hide this weakness by telling Chell that she discovered the location of Caroline’s personality in her brain and deleted it. I refuse to believe this. GLaDOS lets Chell leave the facility, and gives Chell the Companion Cube that she claimed was destroyed in the first game, as a memento. In the ending song, GLaDOS says, “now little Caroline is in here too” which heavily implies that Caroline has not been deleted. She also says that perhaps when she deletes memories of Chell from her brain, she will stop feeling so bad, though on the severance form the statement is redacted. That GLaDOS is able to feel emotion at all is evidence that Caroline lives inside her. GLaDOS’ view of Chell as a friend is an attempt by the last shreds of Caroline’s humanity to connect with another human being. During the co-op portion of the game, GLaDOS has Atlas and P-Body find humans hidden in the facility because she claims that robots performing tests is not true science. Though she may believe this because of her unconditional worship of science, it is also likely that GLaDOS tires of Atlas and P-Body and misses Chell. She hopes to find another human that she can connect with.

GLaDOS is a wonderfully scripted character. She is a human unjustly trapped in the body and mind of a robot, driven mad by the horror of being ripped from her own body and corrupted by a programmed desire to test human subjects. She is certainly far more human than most flesh-and-blood villains in video games today. I believe that she is one of the most complex and interesting characters ever created. What do you think of GLaDOS, readers? Do you agree with my analysis? Do you disagree? Is there a villain you think is interesting enough that he, she, or it warrants analysis? Let me know!

Oh. Sorry. It appears that I have been assigned to do an editorial this week in an attempt to curb my action game binge, judging by this strange, shock-inducing ankle bracelet that has appeared on my leg overnight. In lieu of this, I suppose I shall muse on a topic that has been on my mind as of late.

GameStop, eyeing your wallet.

I cannot say that I am a big fan of GameStop and its sister stores. Despite its convenient prices and numerous stores in any given high-population area, the franchise still tends to rub me the wrong way. Customers of GameStop have complained about aggressive pushing of buy-back policies, poor customer service, and unfairly-low trade-in values, while game developers have had their own problem with GameStop’s utter dominance of the used games market. And while I have no problem with gamers using GameStop as an outlet for finding the games they want to play and keeping the medium alive, I often wish there was a more competitive, developer friendly outlet for gamers to go to.

This, I believe, is where Steam comes in. When Steam was introduced back in 2003, it seemed unlikely that a solely-digital distribution method for gaming markets could even begin to compete on the level of retail electronics stores and specialty game buying and trading shops. But Steam has risen and become a monster in the industry, utterly dominating the digital market in a fashion similar to GameStop’s rule over the land of the physical. Thus, a question forms in my mind: Can Steam truly compete with the goliath that GameStop and its affiliates have become? After all, how can Steam compete with GameStop when the titles purchased and downloaded from it cannot be redeemed when the player no longer is interested in the game? Can Steam really compete with GameStop when the former offer titles exclusively over PC and Mac platforms, whereas GameStop’s primary market of console gamers is considerably bigger? While all of these challenges are significant hurdles for Valve and its affiliates to overcome, they are not impossible tasks. GameStop biggest strength (and possibly its biggest weakness) is its market model with regards to used games: they sell new games at full price, buy them back at only a small fraction of their worth, and resell the same games at a price only minimally less expensive than their brand new counterparts.

''Steam also has hats. Lots of hats.''

Steam, despite having virtually no way to cash in on game resales, has powerful advantages it could play to compete with this model. Steam, being a digital distributor, can offer games at a reduced price due to the fact that the price of the game no longer includes the costs of producing the physical components such as discs and casing, as well as shipping and logistical costs. In addition, Steam may find that it has an easier time building agreements with game developers both big and small, as the games that are being sold over Steam at these reduced prices still net a profit for everyone involved. And so while GameStop brags of its extra trade-in value specials and grand selection, Steam is building ties and offering a boon in value from the initial purchase of a game.

But while this model is fantastic for Steam’s PC and Mac distribution, the whole point in moot if GameStop still holds sway over the biggest slice of cake, that being the console market. As stated before, players on the PS3, 360, and Wii have their choices generally restricted in this regard: GameStop is, at this point in time, the most lucrative outlet for console gamers to obtain titles at the lowest possible value, save occasionally good deals over the platforms’ respective online markets (though these have been gaining serious financial momentum over the past few years as well).

How can Steam gain an edge? The answer came earlier this year when Valve introduced a version of Steam for the PS3 to be released in time for cross-system play of Portal 2. Despite Valve’s turbulent past with console games development, this idea seems to be the perfect solution to the second problem: give players the versatility of Steam, as well as the ability to use it over consoles. Give players access to cross-platform multiplayer on a level only previously dreamed of. The only problem with this strategy would be the getting Microsoft and Sony to cooperate with this build, to say nothing of Nintendo (given its own challenges with online capabilities).

So what do our readers think? I know that a great many of them utilize Steam nearly every day, as evidenced by the events Lusipurr regularly holds online. Do you think that Steam, or even just online distribution in general, can seriously compete with or even eventually topple the prevalent GameStop business model? I myself like to think that our medium is moving in the direction of purely-digital distribution, and that it seems inevitable as technology becomes more intuitive and user-friendly.

That is all for now. If you all will excuse me, I will be off to find some precision tools and/or a hammer to see if I can find a way out of this LusipurrCom Heavy-Duty Rehabilitation Band.

Portal 2's American box art.

Portal 2 obviously uses similar game mechanics to its predecessor. The player is once again given control of a gun capable of shooting two linked portals, which must then be used to solve various puzzles. Portal 2 removes the annoying energy ball mechanic of the first game, opting instead for “Thermal Discouragement Beams”, lasers which the player must redirect with cubes and portals. Portal 2 also introduces the “Hard Light Bridge,” solidified light beams which may be directed through portals and used as bridges, platforms, or even shields. “Aerial Faith Plates” act as springboards to launch the player (or objects) into the air, and “Excursion Funnels”, energy currents which carry the player, are also used to travel through areas and solve puzzles. Finally, Portal 2 adds to its repertoire of puzzle elements three types of gel. The first, the blue “Repulsion Gel”, bounces the player and objects. The orange “Propulsion Gel” creates a near-frictionless surface used to increase the player’s velocity, while the white “Conversion Gel” is used to allow the player to create portals on surfaces upon which portals could not otherwise be placed. The new and old mechanics are combined in creative and interesting ways to create dozens of new and exciting puzzles. The difficulty balance is excellent: the puzzles take time to figure out, but are not excessively difficult or frustrating. The only problem is that many puzzles are about finding where one can place portals rather than how to place them. Still, despite this flaw, the puzzles in Portal 2 are unique, innovative, and extremely fun.

As with the original, Portal 2‘s setting and writing are among the best in gaming. Wheatley, a personality sphere introduced early in the game’s story, is a lovable oaf with hilarious dialogue, and the game’s other characters with speaking lines are just as humorous. The humor that was so prevalent in Portal is back in full force, and the sequel’s cast will not disappoint. Additionally, the setting of Portal 2 is fantastic. While test chambers return and play an important role in the game’s setting, the player also spends a great deal of time exploring Aperture Science’s laboratories and discovering the rather interesting and bizarre history behind Aperture Science and its strange founder. The plot does not disappoint; there are a number of twists and turns to keep the player intrigued. The player once again takes the role of the mute Chell, who after the original Portal has spent an undetermined amount of time in stasis before being reawakened by the incompetent Wheatley. Chell again travels through Aperture Science’s laboratories and test chambers, learning more about Aperture Science as a company, their creation GLaDOS, and even the origins of Wheatley. Amazingly, the characters, writing, and storyline of Portal 2 have managed to top the original.

Repulsion Gel pumping out of a tube.

Notably, Portal 2 also has a cooperative two-player campaign. The players partner up as Atlas and P-Body, two robots created by GLaDOS for testing. Both players are given control of a portal gun, and the four-portal puzzle mechanics are excellent. Amazingly for a game with both single player and co-op campaigns, Portal 2 does not suffer in either respect. The writing in the co-op campaign is just as funny as the single-player, and the two-person, four-portal puzzle mechanics are amazing. Though short, the cooperative play is absolutely worth checking out for those with friends who own Portal 2, as many of the puzzles are brilliant.

Musically, Portal 2 suffers from the same problems as its predecessor: there is very little music. When there is music, however, it is used to increase the tension of intense scenes, and it does its job to great effect. Portal 2 is not a game that needs much music. Without music for many scenes, the dialogue is far more audible, and the setting feels more bleak and empty. Fans of “Still Alive” need not be disappointed, as Portal 2 also concludes in a catchy, spoiler-laden song. Portal 2 looks excellent, and the graphics, as in the first game, are used to greatly contribute to the game’s overall tone and atmosphere. Gray and brown are still extremely common but, given the setting, are forgivable colors used to create a marvelous setting. While graphics are not usually a necessary part of the gaming experience, Portal 2‘s graphics only serve to add to the immersion.

Atlas (left) and P-Body (right) enjoying a nice game of rock-paper-scissors.

Is Portal 2 worth a purchase? The answer is a resounding, heartfelt, and absolute yes. Portal 2 is among the greatest games ever made, and will inevitably be a strong contender for 2011’s Game of the Year. I strongly urge any reader or staff member who has not played either of the Portal games to do so at once, as they truly are brilliant games. Portal 2 is an excellent experience from start to finish, whether played alone or with a friend. It is not a game without its flaws, and a number of puzzles are simply a matter of finding where on the wall, floor, or ceiling another portal may be placed, but Portal 2 should be a part of every gamer’s collection. For those who own a PS3, I recommend purchasing the PS3 version, as it comes with a free copy of the Steam version, and co-op can be played cross-platform between PS3 and PC/Mac/Linux users. Regardless of the version, Portal 2 is a great game that shall not soon be forgotten.

A lofty sentiment.

Produced 2011.05.01

This week’s gaggle of panelists (Ginia, Lane, SN, SB, and Deimosion) are joined by special guest Oliver ‘Riddles’ Motok for a discussion of the PSN-related news, and Lusipurr FanFiction gets read in the first installment of Lusipurr’s Story Time!

Srs bzns, u gais.

If you are one of the many fans who come to Lusipurr.com for its vast quantities of weeaboo bullshit, then you probably know a little bit about Japanese culture and humility. If you know nothing about Japan, let me enlighten your ignorant mind: bowing is srs bzns. So when Sony’s second-in-command, Kazuo Hirai, along with three other high-ranking executives bowed for a full seven seconds at their PSN press conference Sunday morning, it was kind of a big deal. The group expressed their sincere apologies for the hacking of personal information and the fallout we have seen the past two weeks, going on to detail how they would make things right. Hirai stressed that regaining customer trust was their primary concern, also explaining that the delay in holding such a conference was to make sure that they were able to give users the full story.

So when is the PlayStation Network coming back online? Starting this week, certain features will be restored, which I feel obligated to tell you the most important of which will be account management. Claims of large charges being made to customer banks or credit cards have been floating around the internet, and while they are unsubstantiated and could simply be lies, it is always worth the users’ time and effort to update account information, including a change of password and financial information. But you probably do not care about security, you just want PSN up again so you can play! Online game play will be restored for the PS3 and PSP along with chat functionality and access to your friends list, and Playstation Home will also be made available. However, as part of the attack allowed hackers unlimited access to the store, this will not be made available. Sony makes no promises regarding when the PlayStation Store will reopen, only that they hope to have PSN fully functional again by the end of the month.

Securing your information! Or your pants, whatever.

But what about the future of PSN? What about Anonymous? Hirai does address that Anon is still on Sony’s radar and they are aware that an attack on could happen again. As such, they have created a new position as Chief Information Security Officer, a job entailing responsibility for customers’ personal information in times of crisis and the proactive implementation of new security measures. Their new measures seem pretty standard, with new firewalls, more encryption, and tracking unusual or suspect network activity on the list of things being done. Sony’s plans for the future also include a “Welcome Back” program for their users; as PSN features come back online, users will receive a free month of PlayStation Plus service as well as certain region-specific entertainment for free to be announced by each region as the time comes.

Lich Loli demands allegiance!

So who else came back from the dead this week? A loli from New Mexico, that’s who! Why the piss do we care? Because it was for WUV. A twelve-year-old girl wrote a suicide note and faked her own death this week after her parents forbade her from dating the boy she had met while playing World of Warcraft. What was so wrong with TRU WUV? Her paladin in shining armor was an eighteen-year-old man living a few states over in Idaho. After their initial plans to meet were thwarted, the girl left the note and fled with her boyfriend to an abandoned home near where his grandparents lived. Their tryst ended when the police came knocking on pedo-paladin’s door, arresting him for child enticement and transporting a minor, but because both parties said the meeting was only ‘romantic’ but not sexual, he does not currently face charges for his child touch ways. The girl was sent home to her parents, where we can only hope she was banned from the internet forever for having done goofed.

This is the man's album art, OF COURSE his game would be fucking weird.

Has anyone else this week learned that the consequences will never be same? What about bootylicious Beyoncé! The pop diva will soon be in New York district court facing a lawsuit from Gate Five, a video game development company that seeks damages around $100 million USD. The suit alleges that Beyoncé entered a contract with their company to produce a motion-based dance game, presumably for the Kinect, called Starpower: Beyoncé, but late last year, the star made significant, extortionate changes to her terms and when the company could not comply, she dropped the project entirely, leaving seventy people without jobs at Christmas. Its okay though, I am certain Gate Five could humor another Hollywood star’s desire to be in a video game! Nintendo recently panned a request from egocentric rapper Kanye West to create a game for the Wii, but he is is reportedly still shopping the idea around. Not a singing or dancing game as most celebrity games are, Kanye’s game is said to involve “intercourse with a hippogryff while West rides on top of it, shooting a handgun at Paparazzi as he sails into the sun”, “a mini-game where you paint strippers with latex and then chain them to a statute of Andy Warhol” and “all of this is to find where Al Qaeda hid Taylor Swift and save her precious, white life.” Sadly, this ridiculous abomination is not the first attempt of Mr. West’s in the video game industry. A 2009 interview revealed that he was a bit of a perverted programming geek as a loli; while other twelve-year-olds were busy faking their deaths, he was creating a Super Mario Bros. style game where the user played a giant penis with cute little eyes, fighting ghost vaginas. Yes, exactly.

FANGIRL SQUEE

Now I know that last paragraph was enough to make you never want to play video games again, but there is still good in the world, and its name is Valve! First and always more important, HATS! If you pre-order Mount & Blade with Fire & Sword before May 3rd, you can receive two additional hats for Team Fortress 2, one for the Spy and one for the Engineer. Robin Walker also encourages you to play SpaceChem, which now features a TF2-based level where you can go to Australia and learn to craft the mysterious Moustachium. The other good news from Valve this week is the announcement of much anticipated Portal 2 DLC! The DLC will include new levels, leaderboards, and the challenge modes we came to love from the first Portal. While their announcement does not indicate whether Summer 2011 means on regular time or Valve time, they assure players that whenever it comes out, it will be free to all users. Portal! SPACE! Industry! Lusipurr.com!

Good riddance!

Produced 2011.04.24

Nate ‘Bup’ Liles bids the site a fond adieu, replete with farts on a scale never-before-heard. The rest of the panel assembles to bid him well, including special guests Ginia and Reetin. Now I can finally have a proper website again. Ha ha! HA HA! HAHAHA!

Cadbury tastes like anime loli chocolate abortion!

While we are talking about the Zombie Jesus, what video game franchises experienced a rebirth this week? As I already blathered on and on about last week, Portal 2 was released a few hours ahead of scheduled thanks to some potato-themed gaming. Considered all the rabid fanboys/girls we have working here, expect a review where we ejaculate glorious praise within the coming weeks. We are definitely not the only ones in love with Valve’s latest title; estimates put day one sales over 675,000. In addition, the highly anticipated remake of Mortal Kombat had a midnight release on Tuesday, except for in Australia because Julian’s people are too drunk to tolerate spine-punching violence. While the reboot of the classic fighting game did not sell as well as Portal 2, it still earned fourth place on the top ten games sold this week.

Both games have excellent multi-player features, so hopefully, you bought either game for your 360 or PC. Sure, they both have PS3 versions, but you better not be looking forward to the internet for a while. For the past week, PSN has been down, meaning all those people looking to play Portal 2, Mortal Kombat, or any other multi-player game have been left lonelier than a loser with a broken masturbating hand. Sony gives no indication as to when they will be back online, with each day bringing another “we will have it up in two to three days” statement. One reporter contacted Sony’s support line and was told by a representative that no personal information was leaked, and while the operator was confident enough to give his name and ID# to the caller, that is still no complete assurance that information was stolen.

God knows you skipped church for Pokemon, Lusipurr. He knows.

So what actually did happen? No one is really entirely sure. Sony admitted that there was a security breach, but says nothing personal was taken. So the criminal broken into the shop just to look at the good and walk out? Assuming Sony is being truthful, then who is this obviously retarded criminal? Again, we really are not sure. The primary suspect is the internet’s famous Anonymous, but AnonOps denies any involvement. Of course, this must be taken with a grain of salt; they may worship their ‘Anon is legion’ ideas, but with no central network or cohesive group, the attack on PSN could have been perpetrated by any individual or small cluster of Anontards. As the prosecution of hacker George Hotz continues, Anonymous continues to make threats against Sony for their grave misdeed of trying to keep industry secrets private, increasing the likelihood that the PSN attack was an act of Anon, but with both sides keeping mum, it is impossible to tell. Maybe when PSN is back up, Sony will give an explanation. Keep hoping.

Hopefully, PSN will be up before this summer for all out otaku readers, as Kadowaka Shoten has released details for a new PSP game coming out. Based off the manga and currently running anime Nichijou, the game has players acting as a television producer for Galaxy TV. Your job is to throw whatever crazy antic possible at a group of high schoolers, whatever you feel would bring in the highest ratings. Sony has over two months to repair PSN in time for this gem of weeaboo bullshit to release in Japan on July 28th. Shut up, I have a loli with a bazooka.

Oliver Motok, April 2011

Produced 2011.04.17

New panelists Slab Bulkhead and Deimosion join special guests Riddles and Ethos, along with Biggs and Lusi in a podcast crammed with discussion. This week, the panel tries to uncover the greatest of all mysteries: what is Montok wearing? *click*

The first and most critical piece of information regarding any video game is the release date, which is this upcoming Tuesday the 19th. Or is it? On Thursday, Valve’s Portal website aperturescience.com displayed a countdown timer that was set do go off Friday at noon, sending the community into a frenzy, believing the game would be released sooner. When that time was reached, Valve revealed what may be the most amusing marketing plan ever: play the Potato Sack in order to get Portal 2 released early. Many gamers cried foul, saying that Valve was just money hungry, but lets look at the facts here. First off, Portal 2 is still most definitely coming out on Tuesday, regardless of whether or not you buy the Potato Sack. Second off, if you do purchase this fine indie gaming pack and play your heart out, you have occupied your Portal-less time with something that will help Portal 2 release faster. And finally, even if you do not buy it, enough other people buying and playing it will potentially cause the game to be released earlier, not only to them, but to you as well. In fact, Valve’s marketing strategy with this was quite ingenious, and with offerings like Audiosurf and Super Meat Boy, why not contribute and possibly get Portal 2 sooner?

So now you are wondering about the game itself. What’s so great about it that I should want it early if at all? How does it compare to the first Portal? As the trailers indicated, the player wakes up in the Aperture Science Laboratories, now overgrown and filled with wildlife from years of neglect since Chell’s destruction of GLaDOS. Our brunette heroine meets Wheatley, a charming personality sphere that happens to be an idiot and accidentally reboots GLaDOS. You broke her heart and killed her then threw every piece into a fire, she is definitely angry and was lying about that whole sincerity thing. Our favorite malevolent AI throws Chell back into the testing chambers to decipher a whole new series of puzzles, which the developers say should take approximately two to three times as long to complete as the original Portal.

What’s so great about these new puzzles? While we will still have the Portal gun and the Pneumatic Diversity Vents (the tubes) from the first game, several new additions have been made. First are the gels: the orange propulsion gel and the blue repulsion gel. The orange repulsion gel will make the floors extremely slick and thus can be used by Chell as a slip-and-slide to move significantly faster than normal. The blue gel will make whatever it covers extremely springy; this can be used either to make the floor bouncy for Chell’s use, or can be used to disable enemy turrets by turning them into adorable bouncy balls. On the thought of flying through the air, another introduction is the Aerial Faith Plate. This acts as a sort of directional trampoline, tossing Chell, turrets, or cubes in a specified direction. But what if you would rather travel in a lazier way? For that, there is the Excursion Funnel, which acts like a tractor beam to either move Chell or objects over large distances or even to move upwards. The final puzzle addition is the Thermal Discouragement Beams and the glass cubes used with them; the beam itself is a laser which can hurt the player, but can also be used to hurt turrets or to unlock certain area puzzles.

Well that’s all fine and good, but what about this multi-platform nonsense? Portal was available on the Orange Box, and Portal 2 will also be available on the PC, XBox 360, and PlayStation 3. If you purchase the PS3 version, not only will you get a free PC or Mac version as well, but both versions have Steam accessibility. One downside to the PS3 version is the requirement that users update their firmware to version 3.60, so if you are a dirty, dirty hacker, you are out of luck. In addition to multi-platform, Portal 2 is also featuring a multi-player option where you and a friend will play a five- to six-hour co-op mode as Atlas and P-Body, two robots who look similar to the personality spheres and the turrets respectively. This co-op mode can only be played split-screen on the 360, but the PS3 and PC/Mac buyers have the option of playing split-screen or one player on the PS3 and another on the computer.

But what about the cake?! Is the cake still a lie?! We do not know. Developers have previously said that the cake is not going to be part of Portal 2, but they also say they will not spoil anything. One quirk we will have from the previous game is the introduction of the Rat Man. The scribblings on the walls in the darker corners of the game? Those were the work of the Rat Man, and we will be seeing a lot more of his scribbles in Portal 2. They initially will serve as a refresher on how to play, but we do not know the purpose of his graffiti beyond that.

So my dearest Lusi-losers, that is everything you could possibly want to know about Portal 2. Now buy it, do it now! Portal 2 can be purchased at GameStop, through Steam, or in an interesting twist, on Amazon for a reduced price of $34.99. It will definitely be available on Tuesday, or if you buy the Potato Sack and play some fun indie games, we may get it sooner. Welcome back, GLaDOS! FOR SCIENCE!

This is Lusipurr Castle.

Produced 2011.02.20

Ginia, Biggs, and the little Australian turd work together to defame and insult everyone under the sun, especially islanders. When their plan for meat syrupification is thwarted, Lusipurr shows up to lend his assistance by renting the site out to Topware.

Well, I have secured my place in Hell today, what have you done?

Brought to You By…

Now this is a story all about how a young man’s life got flipped, turned upside down. In west Philadelphia born and raised, behind a PlayStation was how he spent most of his days, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and all shooting some noobs in a duel. When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in his guild. Got in one little fight and his mom got scared and said “God dammit Biggs, write like an intelligent journalist before I get the mace.”

Ahem. After getting in one little fight, instead of being banished to California, sixteen-year-old Kendall Anderson had his PlayStation taken away from him. The teen got into an argument with his mother the day following Thanksgiving, and after spending three hours deliberating, the boy bludgeoned his mother to death. “I couldn’t stand the arguing,” his statement to police read, going on to describe his attempts to cremate the body in the oven, then disposing of the body with some other debris in an alley behind their home. Despite what seems like such a horrific act, the boy does show remorse for his actions, saying “if I could, I would not do it again. I really miss my mom. … She was the only person who cared for me.”

No word on whether or not the police car that took him away had dice in the mirror.

He's the best boss ever! Except for the vomitting...

Video Games Continued Effect on the Family

Gabe Newell may not be concerned about your rare cab, he is worried about your auntie and your uncle. Not necessarily because he worries you will bludgeon them, but because if you are an employee of Valve, he understands that being a slave driver can put strain on family relationships. In a conference call with Tippecanoe Valley High School, Jabba detailed some of the excellent working conditions at Valve. For instance, they push for employees to not work weekends and even pushed for those that do work weekends to ease up. He also said that in order to connect with his employees, he takes them and their families on a trip every year.

“I think the people who work here are having a good time in terms of enjoying their work and not being too stressed out. … One thing I’m worried about is the amount of stress that we put on some of the families. When you’re running a business for the long-run, sooner or later that’s gonna bite you. You can’t ruin people’s home lives in order to benefit your business or it blows up in the long run.”

Newell’s generosity towards his employees is uncommon in the industry, with complaints being raised by employees and their families on multiple occasions. In January 2010, wives of Rockstar San Diego developers complained that their husbands were constantly being told to work “harder, longer, faster,” presumably pissed because the company had taken the words right out of their mouths. And last month, developer Kaos Studios rather unapologetically admitted that their employees were routinely subjected to working ten-hour days since the middle of 2010.

On a lighter note, during the same conference call, Newell did confirm that the much-delayed Portal 2 is finally finished and will be out in April. Their next game they will be working on is Dota 2, also said to have a release date of later this year. However, since we know he will not be whip cracking, you can expect that Valve time will come into play between now and then.

She erected something alright.

MOAR Valve News!

This is admittedly a small story, barely even enough to be called a story, but something that will be of great interest to our Team Fortress 2 loving readers. Or maybe it will only interest myself and Ginia, as we are the only players on the Lusipurr.com server with tits. But now, you too can have tits! Mod maker Shaylyn “ChemicalAlia” Hamm has released her newest gender-switch mod, this time making the Spy a smoking hot diva. She has already made gender-switching modifications to the Medic and the Heavy, complete with more lady-like voice clips.All are available for download from TF2mods.net or Game Banana. Kotaku raises the question we all knew was coming: what will be done for a Pyro mod?

Dead or Alive Mona Lisa Volleyball!

REAL ORGANIC GRADE-A NEWS!

I can be a real journalist sometimes with the words and the pictures and the things, really I can, stop laughing. Or you can keep laughing, as the joke is on you knuckleheads. I live close enough to Washington D.C. that it will be very easy for me to travel to the Smithsonian in March of 2012 when they open their first Art of Video Games exhibit. In fact, they have currently issued a public invite for gamers to assist in the development of the project. Their goal in the development of the exhibit is to chronicle the “40-year evolution of video games as an artistic medium, with a focus on striking visual effects and the creative use of new technologies.” Even if you do not share my geographical advantages, you can contribute to the project as well by visiting artofvideogames.org, where they will be letting the gaming public vote on which titles they feel deserve to be pat of the exhibit. Just keep it a secret from 4chan, we do not need an entire exhibit on the merits of Battletoads.

A Valentine's Day Wish

Produced 2011.02.13

Lusi and the Tits once again convene to discuss the latest hat-related news in gaming. This week, Bobby Kotick charges for hats, Jonathan Blow designs hat-based islands, and Nippon Ichi Software develops a hat strategy game set in the Netherworld.

Force-choking your wallet since 1991!

Bobby Kotick, Douchenozzle Extraordinaire

Activision’s lord and ruler Emperor Kotick sat down with CNBC this week to discuss, among other things, the demise of the Guitar Hero series. The primary question on everyone’s mind was “Why?” to which he predictably answered that it was not making enough money. Interest in the series has dwindled in the past few years, he admits due to repeating the same tired format over and over with no innovation, while the costs associated with licensing songs, converting them to game format, and promotion have all grown since they began the series. So where will the Emperor go next to feed his lust for money? Thanks to seeing the success of social gaming, Kotick says that they do intend to open themselves up to similar ideas like mobile apps and Zynga-like gaming, though he scoffs at the idea of Angry Birds, possibly out of jealousy that EA profited from the surprise hit and not him. Of course, he also made it very clear that he intends to milk Call of Duty for every pretty penny that the franchise is worth, hinting but not confirming that a subscription service may be in the works. Somewhere, Michael Pachter just orgasmed with the thought that he may have actually made a prediction that comes true. This wishy-washy statement comes on the heels of the announcement of Beachhead, a new development studio that will produce Call of Duty content and provide the same services as Battle.net does for World of Warcraft players. Someone needs to teach Bobby how to be subtle.

I know I cannot play video games unless the room is cold enough.

Did Someone at Lusipurr.com say SUBTLETY?! BOOBS NOW!

I know my readers and what they want, so I provide you with anime tits every week. The developers of Killzone 3 have decided to do the same…no really, I mean exactly the same. Not just the catering to players interest, but the Japanese tits part too. For their localization of the game to the shores of glorious Nippon, Sony has recruited Noa Torigoe to star in their web campaign as the leader of the Helghast Faction, looking just as obsessed with Nazis as Japan always is. You might ask yourself why a porn star was chosen for the role, and the answer is one look at her blog. From reviews of Dragon Age Origins and Borderlands, to getting to level fifty in Call of Duty World at War in only two short weeks, this girl knows how to work a controller just as good as she knows how to work a cock. Unfortunately for Torigoe, the game she is promoting is on a PS3 and not her beloved 360, but she presumably does not have to work too hard to get a new system for the game.

Better yet, what if Duke Nukem were a Pokemon?!

While We Are Objectifying Women

Who is our favorite role model on how women should be treated? No, its its not Nate ‘Bup’ Liles, women generally do not approve when you kiss them immediately after vomiting. Its Duke Nukem! Gearbox co-founder Randy Pitchford was presented with an unusual question this weeks: how will he respond to the inevitable feminist backlash to such a sexy game? He argues that despite his outward appearance, Duke is actually a big softie and quite fond of women.

Duke isn’t a misogynist. He isn’t. He is egocentric, and everything in his world revolves around him, but women can offer him something different than men can. So to Duke, if women are less to him, it’s not because they’re women – it’s because they’re not him.

Pitchford adds a bit of a weird element by briefly theorizing on what a female version of Nukem would be like, but he is presumably just as weirded out by that thought as we are and moved back on to the topic of feminist reaction. He feels that his audience would not be offended by the game’s content, but rather certain trolls will be the ones looking for the opportunity to use him as a basis for their vaginal tyranny. However, he is not phased by the trolls and even encourages their interest, saying “if there are feminists who want to use Duke to further the cause of women’s rights – go for it. … And if they need to abuse him a little bit to get more attention, hell yeah.” So there you have it, he will be kicking ass and chewing bubble gum, all while encouraging women to get out of the kitchen.

D'awwww.

This concept of ‘WUV’ confuses and infuriates us!

What are you doing this Valentine’s Day? Most of our readers are lonely and pathetic, and thus will be listening to the Lusipurr.com MAP because we are the only ones that love them, and we mostly do not love them either. But what if you are one of the lucky few that has a significant other? My first question is why are you still here? And my second question is have you given them a Portal-themed Valentine? Valve has made some cute Valentine’s cards featuring GLaDOS, Chell, and the blue personality sphere on their site that are as nerdy as they are adorable. Send one to your significant other today! Or drink some Jack Daniels while scrubbing your toilet. Either way, remember that Lusipurr.com hates you all.

A pair of Tits.

Produced 2011.01.16

Whilst Nate enjoys much-needed time off to visit the strip club, Lusi and the Tits (both pairs) address themselves to the task of evaluating a string of terribly disappointing announcements, when it appears the US will get FFXIII-2 instead of Last Story!

Our Texan Correspondant & Girlfriend, High School Senior Year Photograph

Produced 2010.11.21

Lane joins Ginia and SiliconNooB to prove that everything is bigger (and more emo) in Texas, much to Lusipurr’s delight. The panel discusses the history of the middle east; Final Fantasy XIV Watch continues unabated; and we learn that Kotick wants YOU!

Slightly more appropriate than anything I could post from the actual Duke Nukem game.

Testosterone Overload

If you live under a rock or have been infected with Lane’s insanity disease, you may not know that this year’s Penny Arcade Expo revealed to the public that after twelve long years of development and legal battles, Duke Nukem Forever lost its infamous status as perpetual vaporware to become an ACTUAL GAME. Actually, such mind-blowing news may be the reason why Lane lost his mind, as the raunchy all-American spirit displayed in the short playable demo screams of Texas values, blowjobs and all.  As it has been over a decade since the game was announced in April 1997, it is understandable that the internet has absolutely exploded with an orgasm of screenshots and as much technical data as anyone could fathom to squeeze from it. Vehicles were confirmed, weapons were confirmed, and within any reasonable standard you can expect misogyny and bubble gum. However, after this long of having no release date, it seems the developers were still not ready to give it one. So all that excitement that you have had pent up since you were a wee lad who was taught how to curse from this game? Keep it pent up, we do not want to clean up the overflow of disappointment if it happens again.

WTF is the Medic loading in those syringes?!

Zombies? Zombies! Zombies?

In a move stolen from only the best of cockblockers, Treyarch has declined to comment on (or in other sources, even gone so far as to deny) zombies in Call of Duty: Black Ops, yet at the same time, more and more new screenshots with heavily-deformed soldiers that look very undead keep popping up, leaving fans of the FPS scratching their heads. While those interested are confused but paying attention, the developer has released plenty of new screenshots from the game, as well as giving PAX attendees an open multi-player preview event, revealing the two new match modes, Gun Game and Wager Match. In single-player mode, an interesting aspect revealed was the lack of the overhead compass which has always guided players to their next objective, being described by Treyarch Community Manager Josh Olin as a system that did not suit the team emphasis of Black Ops. While single-player and multi-player modes impressed most attendees, there was another let down this weekend as a private interview with Activision Executive Producer Dan Suarez revealed that there will be no open beta for the much anticipated addition to the Call of Duty series. So those of you hoping to stab zombies while in the jungles of Vietnam will just have to wait until the full release of the game, currently slated for Novermber 9th.

I CAME BUCKETS OF FANGIRL FLUIDS, ADORABLE OVERLOAD COMPLETE.

Do I Have to Share the Cake?

Another highly anticipated game brought new developments this week from Penny Arcade Expo, Portal 2! Despite that Valve is still running on Valve time for their other games (TF2 item trading “this week” two weeks ago?), they were able to show the public a trailer highlighting the new multi-player co-operative mode. In combination with the trailers they released only recently at Gamescom showcasing the new gels and beams, Portal 2 is shaping up to be amazing. …I have nothing else to say about this and there is no other news, BUT I NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO SHOW ROBOTS HUGGING! Is that not the most adorable thing you have ever seen?! Mind = blown.

Oops! A couch! Where did that come from?

When Lusipurr’s case of Shingles makes it difficult for him to type, he introduces a new time-saving feature: total lack of organisation. And the result: the worst podcast in the history of the universe. Turn and run. Don’t look back. Just run. Run NOW.