Assassin’s Creed 4 Black Flag Box Art

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag is the 2013 release of Ubisoft’s action-adventure series, Assassin’s Creed. Although it is a numbered release, Black Flag is a prequel to Assassin’s Creed III, following the story of the pirate Edward Kenway, the grandfather to the protagonist of AC 3‘s Ratonhnhaké:ton, or Connor when he wants to blend in with white people. The Assassin’s Creed series is known for following two separate, but connected storylines in each game, both focusing on the history of the Assassin’s vs the Templars. The main story in Black Flag follows Edward Kenway’s adventures in the Caribbean during the later portion of the Golden Age of Piracy. The other story in Black Flag takes place in modern-day Montreal, and focuses on an unnamed employee at Abstergo Entertainment, a company that is run by the Templars. Since the modern-day story is terrible, we’ll get that one out of the way first.

In an attempt to be brief, Abstergo is focused on recovering the genetic memories of Desmond Miles, a descendant of the protagonists of each game in the series. Desmond died at the end of AC 3, but his memories were stored in “the cloud”, and now this unnamed employee at Abstergo is tasked with sifting through Desmond’s genetic memories of Edward to help develop a game and provide the Templar’s with the location of the Observatory. If that sounds incredibly stupid there is a good reason, it is. This modern-day story is the main arc in the series, but it jumped the shark way back in Assassin’s Creed II and was fucking terrible even before that. The gameplay during this sections does not involve any combat, just some puzzle solving (hacking) and eavesdropping. Without a doubt, these are the worst parts of the game, and disrupt any momentum that the main story builds. One thing the Ubisoft got right this time is that these sections are not nearly as prevalent as they have been in previous entries.

The land combat is pretty shallow, but can still deliver a few exciting moments.

Edward’s story, the good one between the two, begins with him killing an assassin that was on the way to Havana to sell information. Edward, being a money-hungry pirate, dons the fallen assassin’s clothes and sets sail for Havana. Edward is unaware that the assassin was a traitor to the Creed, and that the people in Havana are Templars in search of the Observatory, an important location for the Creed. This sets up a story that bounces between Edward’s life as a pirate, and his quest to prevent the Templars from using the Observatory to eradicate the Assassins. Edward’s journey crosses paths with many notable people like Blackbeard, Anne Bonny, Calico Jack, and Mary Read. This story is told through a series of missions that become a bit repetitive as the twenty-hour story unfolds. The repetitiveness is not terrible, except in the case of the missions where Edward has to tail and/or eavesdrop on an enemy. Those missions are an abomination in the eyes of God and should be burned in fire.

Anybody that is excited to see how the Golden Age of Piracy would alter the skills of an assassin will be sorely disappointed to discover that the gameplay has pretty much been lifted straight out of AC 3, including the sailing controls. What is especially aggravating is that AC 3 introduced simplified controls to make the parkour sections easier, but this simplified control scheme leads to many moments of frustration when Edward climbs a wall during a chase sequence or climbs a treasure chest instead of opening it. Fights in Black Flag are well done, although a bit simple, which is fortunate due to missteps with the parkour skills resulting in more battles than the player may desire. The sailing controls are solid and straight forward, but controls for naval combat can be a bit wonky. Different weapons on the ship are selected by swinging the camera around, which takes a bit of getting used to but works well enough. Once the controls become familiar, the naval battles provide some of the best moments in the game. The sea’s waves affect the aim of the cannons, and engaging other ships during a violent storm is as exciting as it is difficult.

Waging war on other ships is extremely satisfying.

Apart from the parkour, sailing, and combat, Black Flag has quite a bit of other content for players to take a stab at. The West Indies is a vast area for players to explore, and it has a lot of collectibles. Animals to hunt, treasure maps leading to buried treasure, upgrade plans, and manuscripts are some of the things Edward can find as he sails the West Indies. To make things a bit easier, locations of most collectibles are labeled on the in-game map, and each area tracks its collectibles separately, so completionists will know when an area does not hold any more secrets. Plundering other ships and hunting animals provide the money and supplies to upgrade Edward’s weapons, armor, and ship, but it was a bit disappointing to learn that every area pays the same price for items. Any dreams of striking it rich by buying low and selling high will still have to be lived out on Sid Meier’s Pirates! or Uncharted Waters.

On the surface, Black Flag is a good-looking game. The major cities, the ocean and its landscape, and the ships all look great, but after the first impression wears off, it becomes clear that corners were cut with the visuals. Clipping is quite common, from sails clipping through the mast of a ship to Edward’s hands going right through the animal that he is skinning. While the main cities look and feel different from one another, the rest of the fifty locations fall into one of three categories, and there is not much deviation within the categories. The music is pretty much standard fare for the setting and era, but the shanties that the crew sings while sailing are a nice touch. The voice acting is by and large mediocre, with Edward and a few of the other main characters being voiced quite well, but everybody else being somewhere between alright and awful.

With more development time, Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag could have been a great title, but it comes off as feeling like every other game in the series with a pirate theme painted over the top. Fans of the era will enjoy the exploration and the ship battles but may be disappointed that the Templar story overtakes real historical story. People that enjoyed previous entries in the series will find the experience they have known now for over four years. Black Flag does not do anything especially groundbreaking, it just kind of melts away into the porridge that the series is. It is a decent game, worth a rental for anybody interested in the series or pirates, but that is about it.

Your PS3 is not impressed with what she sees.

‘Consoles are Like Condoms’

No, that is not to be taken as encouragement, put your pants back on and put down the console. Allods Online producer Vincent Douvier gave us that gem of a quote in a recent interview regarding PC versus console gaming. So how exactly is your 360 like a cock-balloon? “99.9% of the time you are safe. You know all the specifications of the machine,” unlike PCs which can vary from user to user. He also gives his view on PC gaming piracy, though this is not a new topic. Honing in on Ubisoft’s notoriously silly DRM, he notes that while publishers put in their DRM for the purpose of preventing themselves from losing money, “hackers do it for prestige and that’s priceless, they will always win in the end.” So while consoles have certain received an endorsement by this producer, another gaming official has a much less optimistic opinion of them. SquareEnix CEO Yoichi Wada feels that consoles are reaching the upper limits of their capabilities, and points to E3 to back his claim. Kinect, Move, 3D…these are all mere peripheral upgrades to existing systems, not further developments in the console’s technology itself. He does feel optimistic though about the future of network development,but this is probably because of his own intentions. He coyly hints that Squeenix is developing a Steam-like digital distribution system, but refuses to give any further details. What a cock-tease, and we got a condom out for nothing.

This is all you have? Girlfriend request denied.

Cockblocking of the Highest Order

While we are on the topic of DRM, Konami has found the ultimate form of DRM, leaving many wondering if they will expand this tactic in the future. Japanese nerds were aghast this week upon discovering the secret rights management hidden within the insanely popular Love Plus game: you can play your illegally downloaded copy of the game, but the girls will not date your pirating ass. In legitimately purchased copies, the girls react as they normally would and will date you, but no matter what pirates do in the game, the girls will not call and will not accept requests to be your girlfriend. This DRM has not yet been cracked, but it raises a very interesting question: what would you do if your game punished you for downloading it illegally? Would it make you go out and buy it? Of course, the lonely and probably bitter otaku that play the game have already drawn a connection to real life: if you try to be cheap with a girl, they have no interest in your broke ass.

For once, adorable did not sell well in Japan. Clearly the end is nigh.

Glimpse of Squeenix’s Future?

If you have not heard of the Tales series of video games, you might be forgiven, many titles were not released outside of Japan and the ones that have do not hold any huge fan base internationally. But if things continue going at their current pace, you might not hear about the Tales games anymore.  Namco-Bandai’s Tales Studio published their annual financial reports, and the results are nothing short of disastrous. With an annual loss of approximately one million dollars and a total deficit of twenty-one million, many question where the studio can go from here to save themselves from collapse. To those familiar with the Tales titles, it is clear why they have been suffering: like SquareEnix and its endless Final Fantasy remakes or Nippon-Ichi and its rehashings of Disgaea, the Tales series is slowly becoming the same story over and over, which could be responsible for its decrease in sales. What is to become of the studio is yet unknown.

Look how pretty it is! And we will never see it. Sad sad.

Stop Hoarding Things, Japan!

To be fair, this one is our own fault, stupid Westerners and our inability to appreciate anything foreign. Anyone who is even a casual fan of Japanese anime and film has heard or watched something done by Studio Ghibli. My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and the most recent international release Ponyo are all creations of the iconic studio. So when screencaps of their new video game came out, fans everywhere rejoiced. Ni no Kuni (The Another World) begins with tragedy, like many other Ghibli pieces, where thirteen-year-old Oliver (not our resident dumbass) loses his mother. However, with the help of a fairy doll given to him by the deceased parent, he is able to go into an alternate reality, where alternate versions of people he knows exist, including his mother. This fairy also gives him a spell book which the battle element surrounds. No no Kuni is set to release on the DS in December, with a PS3 release in 2011…but these are both Japanese-only releases, with no hint at all as to an international release. Just as with the Tales games, it is going to be interesting to see how well the game does in Japan and if it will spawn an international release, or if it will fail miserably in its homeland and never see the light of day.

It was either this, or Kim Jong-Il as an Evangelion character, but I thought Shawn would enjoy Pikachu missiles.

Korea Say MM-No! to Several MMOs

If you are a loli in South Korea, why are you reading this site? Get the fuck out of here. But if you are not an underaged Korean, then you should either laugh at them or pity them, for their government is cracking down on one of the most evil activities known to man: MMORPGs. As the number of school-aged children with “game addictions” continues to increase, players registered as underage will now have two penalties imposed upon them for their overnight gaming. First, nineteen different games will incorporate a fatigue system, where after the player has been signed on for a lengthy amount of time, the percentage of drops or other stats will decrease. Second, players will be forced to choose a six-hour blackout period in which they will not be allowed to log in at all. After the story a few weeks ago about a pair of Korean parents neglecting their real child to an early death by starvation because of their MMO habit, I can see the concern that the government might have, but one thought continues to persist in my mind: if you cut away the game for six hours, that is just six hours the child will spend utilizing their online addiction to discover the wonders of porn. So Korea, what is more harmful, kids with insane stats or kids watching dirty movies?

Pirates Fighting Pirates! This battle looks particularly homosexual...

Porn Pirates Punked into Paying

If you are a fan of dirty video games that involve touching people in their no-no places, you are awful. If you are a fan of downloading these games illegally, it may soon bite you in the ass. Japanese P2P networks have recently been hit with a series of erotic visual novels infected with a virus, and many users including a shamed middle-school principal, have been hit with it. Once the game is installed on the user’s computer, the virus takes over and prompts the user for some personal information, then takes a screen capture of their desktop. The personal information and the picture of your dirty habit are then posted on the internet for all to see, as well as a curious offer: fill out this form and we will remove your information. When the form’s response arrives in your inbox, the user is prompted to pay a fee to take care of their copyright infringement charges, though the money never actually reaches the publishers, just the clever scammer that developed the virus. The scammer was eventually identified and, to the shock of many, shown to be a pirate just like them. Needless to say, it was not long after that he shut the site down voluntarily.

Because we did not already know that Microsoft was pure evil.

Microsoft Slave Drivers…No Really, There Are Slaves

If you are using a mouse made by Microsoft, you support Chinese enslavement! Hooray! It has recently been found at a factory operated by KYE to produce Microsoft mice, hundreds of teenagers have been employed under sweatshop conditions for appallingly dismal pay. For fifty-two cents an hour, employees work fifteen hour shifts in sweltering temperatures with no talking, eating, or bathroom breaks. When they are allowed to leave the assembly line, the workers share dorm rooms in groups of fourteen sleeping on narrow bunk-beds. The food is reportedly awful, and bathing consists of a quick sponge bath with a bucket of warm water. Labor laws are routinely broken, as well as Microsoft ethics laws, and with the pictures released of the conditions, it is certain Microsoft will be doing an amusing act to unfuck themselves from this travesty.

The most work-safe picture available, and I am pretty sure it is Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear.

Cataracts Are Not Sexy

If you are blind, you have masturbated too much, sorry for your loss. While I am an asshole and will laugh at you, another company out their mourns your visual impairment and wants to give you more masturbatory aids! The book “Tactile Mind” is printed on plastic and is a combination of both braille and…certain raised drawings. Apparently the world of braille pornography is far wider than one would expect, but there are very few books that provide actual illustrations of erotica. Unfortunately, one look at the pictures is rather disappointing. Rather than anything remotely sexy, they appear to be the creations of some LSD-snorting art student who wanted to create another dimension, where women’s heads are square and men have elephant trunks… on their faces, you perverts. So if you are blind or at all interested in fail-tastic art porn, you can buy “Tactile Mind” for the low price of $225. I will be over here looking at Georgia O’Keefe vagina-flowers for free.