A historic quote, on par with “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

First up is the famous Final Fantasy IV, which was originally released in North America as Final Fantasy II due to two games not coming over to the states. As many readers of Lusipurr.com might know, the title is a fan favorite by many and embraced different core aspects from previous “Final Fantasy” titles in order to make a more complete experience. Final Fantasy IV was also the first title in the series to be SNES, allowing the developers more creative freedom in the realm of technical limitations, although they were still present. The title focused more on story than previous entries which led to a more linear pathway in comparison to those entries which could get confusing for the player. The Active Time Battle system was also introduced in Final Fantasy IV and has been a hit ever since, letting the player feel more active in their decision making without transforming the game into an Action RPG in its entirety. Ultimately, Final Fantasy IV is a title that will be remembered for years to come thanks to its many advancements in the RPG genre.

Using digital enhancement, and zooming in very closely, one can see the heartbreak in Sonic’s eyes.

Next, a much more underwhelming title that is not-so fantastic known as Sonic the Hedgehog 4. Just for clarity, when referring to that title the editorial is discussing both Episodes I and II, because they are both of the same quality, poor. Although the fanbase for the “Sonic the Hedgehog” franchise has been scattered all over the known world for more than a decade, in the end it almost seems pointless as SEGA seems to care a lot less about Sonic than its fans. While many argue that the 2D titles are better than the 3D or that the 2D games were not even that good to begin with, Sonic the Hedgehog 4 shows us that “Sonic the Hedgehog” games can be bad no matter what dimension they are in. While the first episode was released way back in 2010 and the second was released in 2012, both have come under fire for poor physics, brevity and a general lack of heart when compared to the original titles. Is it a bad sign when the social media coordinator for the franchise is arguably more entertaining then the games themselves? Probably.

Is that an Aggron or a Persona? Only time will tell.

Last, is a truly fantastic title released originally on the Playstation 2 and later the Playstation Vita, the one and only Persona 4. That is correct, what a better way to end an editorial based around the upcoming fifth entry in a franchise than to look at the fourth. Persona 4 was released back in 2008 to critical acclaim by fans and critics alike and has since then spawned a number of titles based off of the original such as Persona 4 Arena, a fighting game, and Persona 4: Dancing All Night, a rhythm game. Gameplay in Persona 4 itself is very unique in comparison to most RPGS as it deals not only with exploring dungeons to defeat demons, but also dealing with a much more daunting task, finishing high school and managing relationships with friends. However, these two tasks are in no way disjointed as they come together to create a fulfilling whole where the friends the player makes in high school become more powerful in correlation with how strong the player’s relationship is with them. And of course, it would be wrong to talk about the “Persona” franchise without actually talking about what Personas are. In short, Personas are kind of like demons that the player can use at their disposal, while almost everyone else has their own personal Persona. However, for story reasons, the player can use multiple Personas and combine them to create stronger ones which can be switched out depending on the battle’s circumstances and enemy types encountered. In the end, this editorial barely scratches the surface of what a fantastic game Persona 4 is an it is highly recommended that readers look into playing it before the fifth entry is released.

Did you enjoy this editorial, or were you miffed that it only covered three games instead of four? Do you have strong opinions on any of the franchises discussed above and want others to corroborate your statements? Make sure to leave a comment or four below, and let us know what you think!

What a pig!

Conan the mighty pig

This is a platformer about a pig named Conan. Conan wants to find truffles and other treats that help him gain powers to defeat his enemies. Who cares? There is nothing special about this game. It looks like crap and I would be willing to bet it plays like crap.See, this is the thing with Steam Greenlight: crappy games with nothing special mentioned. The point of Greenlight is to tell people WHY they should vote for your game. This game looks like every other mediocre platformer ever. More so, this game is an extension of a free flash game. Why would I want to pay money for this if I can already get it for free? Especially since the description does not detail what is different in this paid version. Tell me why this is worth my time, even though it most likely is not.

Best Comment: Dragon: “This looks really bad. The 3D doesn’t match the 2D. The pace is far too slow. The characters look like melted plastic and the music is depressing.”

Stupid anime crap.

Don’t Forget Our eSports Dream

Gamers are idiots. They will spend their money on so much crap. This is just another crappy, anime dating sim, but this one is about an eSports team. Yes, a team of very attractive people playing videogames professionally. Sounds just like real life, right? I mean, it must be since the game’s description boasts “an authentic story that is both true to eSports fans and relatable to a general audience.” Oh, and that spelling error is not a mistake on my part. That line was copied straight from the Greenlight page. This game lives in a fantasy world that eSports is like 50 times bigger than it actually is. Nobody cares about eSports. I would say nobody cares about this game, but it some how already has close to $25,000 raised on Kickstarter. Gamers are idiots.

Best Comment: A Barking Dog: “i walked across my apartment to get my phone to put in my steam guard code so that i could log in and vote no on this dumpster fire.”

A generic dragon attacks a generic castle.

Dragon Souls

First off, I cannot wait for this game to be taken down for having a title too similar to Dark Souls. That is inevitable. In the meantime we can make fun of how stupid this looks. I remember when this idea was first attempted on the PS3. The game was called Lair and it was crap then. Wait, this game allows you to play as different types of dragons: black, red, green, and blue! Wow, so amazing! The developer could not even think of fake dragon species for this game. The dragons do not even have unique skill sets or abilities that differ between the colors. The colors are the only difference between them. This has to be one of the laziest games ever submitted to Greenlight. Somehow the developer thinks more than one person will ever want to play this game and the inclusion of a multiplayer mode is justified. It is not. Nobody will play this crap.

Best Comment: [FR] Potato HunterZ: “waaa.”

Arguably, not enough porn of Songbird exists.

First up on the list of Yanderes is Songbird from the hit first-person shooter, Bioshock Infinite released in 2013. Avoiding spoilers, the main character, Booker, travels alongside his partner Elizabeth who escapes from her extravagant form of house arrest and the pair are constantly pursued by Songbird. The creature itself is about a robotic-bird monstrosity who is feared by both not only Booker and Elizabeth, but also the citizens of Columbia. It towers over the player as well as other human characters and will stop at nothing to “rescue” Elizabeth, because it is programmed to be her guardian to an accident early on to its escape from a laboratory. Songbird shows no hesitance to destroy buildings and murder innocents just to save its beloved, firmly establishing its role as a Yandere.

At this point, Lusipurr is greatly tempted to take away Adeki’s access to the photo library.

Next, is Amy Rose from the “Sonic the Hedgehog” franchise, who over the course of the years has gone through some excessive personality readjustment. Unfortunately, the Sonic franchise still has not gotten a firm grasp on its characters or plot, but a running theme throughout most of the games is that Amy is head over heels in love with Sonic and willing to cut a bitch for his affection. Normally, wielding a comically over-sized hammer, Amy’s efforts are a swing and a miss towards Sonic’s heart but they land dead on towards the enemies that dare try and stop her. This is especially apparent in Sonic Heroes where the main premise of her team’s story is to find Sonic because they have not talked in about a month. This then prompts her to go travelling the world beating the crap out of enemies with a hammer just to bang a hedgehog.

Do not go breaking her heart.

Last up, is none other than Ayano “Yandere-chan” Aishi, from Yandere Simulator. Players assume the role of Ayano who is madly in love with her fellow classmate named Taro Yamada, whose nickname is “Senpai,” as she brutally murders her classmates and hides the bodies as best she can which makes for very unique and at times hilarious gameplay opportunities. Every week, a new rival of Senpai’s love arises, which means that Ayano must take it upon herself to sort things out by either murdering this rival or making her fall in love with another classmate. Hidden beneath a seemingly simple premise is a fantastic amount of options to accomplish one’s goal, as well as a multitude of easter eggs. While the game may be banned on Twitch, it is highly recommended readers look into the game on platforms like YouTube to get a taste for the gameplay. The game itself is currently free as it is still in development and it is also possible to support the developer through his website.

So there it is, famous yanderes in gaming. If you have any requests for any other topics to be featured or have any comments and concerns in general, make sure to leave a comment below!

I guess people had pointy heads in the 80’s?

It’s Time to Stop

I cannot even think of what to say about this one. I think just making fun of the description might help. “Do you like the 80’s ? Because they are back again with ‘It’s Time to Stop’…” What? What does this even mean? Looking at the screenshots the “80’s” means graphics from Half-Life 1, some weird colors covering the screen, and a kid with a bunch of pimples. The 80’s! “…a time travel adventure with a real american who needs to find all his beers…” Haha, get it! Because us Americans LOVE beer! And we are all fat and lazy. “…to kill the evil doctor who wants to transform everybody into flashy clothes!” Why is this a bad thing? Everyone likes to flash it up every once in a while! “Will you stop his evils plans?” Nope. “Vote for us now and find out!” Heck, no! That helped. Now I know how to really describe this game: Like, oh my God! Gag me with a spoon!

Best Comment: Ravachol: “It’s time to stop flooding Greenlight.”

Please give us a screenshot where we can see what is happening.

Wet Days

See, this game actually gives us something to work with. This is a game about someone who sweats a lot. No joke. The trials and tribulations of someone who needs a more high power deodorant. “Wet Day is free to play game shows how social anxiety and hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) can make our simple life tasks complicated and aims to put spotlight on social anxiety patients and raise people awareness.” Seriously, man? Is this really something that needs a cause? Just take more showers, ya dingus! “wet day will features:” Ugh. Just ugh. “* complex simulation of social anxiety experience.” Yeah, sure. Whatever you say! “* non-linear gameplay: your choices plays important rule and can affect the final results.” I hope the final result is that the developer realizes how he is a big idiot. “*dynamic world and replay value: each gameplay is unique.” Uniquely stupid. Owned. “* immersive experience: thanks to unreal engine 4 who provided us a powerful tools to create high fidelity, handcrafted and well detailed game world with UHD resolution support.” There is no way any of this is true. “* inventory and dialogue systems.” Yes, an inventory to hold all your sticks of deodorant and a dialogue system in which to buy them. “* competitive leaderboard: lets you compare your score with your friends and other players.” I do not even want to admit to my friends that I have even heard of this game.

Best Comment: 2_CRAZY: “the logo and the trailer are low quailty. i expect the same amount from your game.”

Is he… is he peeing on the enemy?

Draxel

Just pure shit.

Best Comment: JummpingJim: “I can’t believe my eyes! I’m sure I programmed something like this years ago on my ZX Spectrum….. Give this a miss thanks, if you want to create a RPG, start with today’s technology and not some lame rubbish.”

Pingu strikes his unholy revenge.

First up is the ever-so popular Little Nemo: The Dream Master which was released on the NES in 1990. The game itself is based off of the animated “Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland” which was positively received in Japan, but ultimately ended up as a box office bomb. However, while it failed to find an audience in Japan, the game’s soundtrack proved to be fairly popular in the future. The soundtrack is now regarded as one of the better NES game soundtracks and it is definitely worth checking out. The game itself was a fairly decent platformer, where the player gets to ride animals and defeat enemies in order to save the King of Slumberland from the Nightmare King.

There is just… a lot going on in that screenshot.

Next, is Astro Boy: Omega Factor, released on the Game Boy Advance in 2003. The game is a beat ’em up where the player acts in the role of the titular Astro Boy as it goes through multiple plot lines from different iterations of the anime. It is also separated into two chapters, “Birth” and “Rebirth,” respectively. “Birth” is the original plot of the game, while “Rebirth” is when Astro Boy is revived by a mythical being and is sent back in time to fix what went wrong in the first chapter while harnessing the power of time travel. The game received positive reviews from both fans of the original anime and game critics praising its simplicity and visuals while also delivering on the story.

God himself blessed the video game industry with this game.

Last is JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure based off an anime with the same name. The game is a fighter originally released in arcades where characters from the anime fight each other in extraordinary battles with flashy attacks. One of the coolest attacks in the whole game is a super attack by Dio where he literally drops a steam roller on his opponent. An actual steamroller falls from the heavens in order to defeat their opponent. Truly, anime has graced the video game industry to allow such beauty appear on screens for players to enjoy. Other than that, it is just a really fun over-the-top fighter, and while it does not deviate from most norms, the charm is certainly there for fans of the anime and newcomers alike.

So there it is, anime-based video games for a better tomorrow. What’s your favorite anime-based video game? In fact, what’s your favorite anime in general? What topic do you want to see next? Let us know in the comments below!

I usually try to find ACTUAL screenshots for these games, but this one was too good to ignore.

The Survivor

Hey, everyone! Are you ready for the next big open-world, survival/crafting game? Well, this sure as heck is not the next big thing! This game does nothing special, so it really should not exist in the first place. Just read the game’s description: “Your first goal is to survive at all costs. To succeed, you will need to quickly find what you need.” Wow, such detail! This really makes me… just want to play either Rust, Minecraft, or DayZ. Note to this developer: if you are going to essentially copy other more popular franchises, at least do something special. Why would we buy your game that is exactly like these other ones that 90% of gamers already own? Wow, and check out that audio-less video! And those screenshots of “Brush and Tree,” “Ore and Stone,” and “Construction!” It is almost as if the screenshots look exactly like every other game in this genre! STEAM GREENLIGHT!

Best Comment: 2_CRAZY: “you can play this right now just turn zombies off in 7 days to die and bam the same game”

More like Tales of What is Even Happening Here?

Tales of Destruction

“Tales of Destruction is a new First person Survival Shooter game on Greenlight. TOD has 5 maps, where the players whom are portrayed as solders will have to find the respective treasure without getting killed.” There is so much one could say about this sentence alone. 1. This is already on Steam Greenlight, so we can assume it is new. You do not have to tell us. 2. Why are you showcasing that it has five maps? That is the size of one map pack from Call of Duty. Not the entire game. A single, downloadable optional map pack. 3. So, are they ACTUAL soldiers (notice I spelled it right. Spell check is you friend, future Steam Greenlight developers), or are they just people pretending to be soldiers? Like those guys who go to airsoft fields every weekend because they were too fat or scared for real military work? 4. What treasure? Why is there treasure? Is this a remake of Ducktales? Please, do not change the Moon level theme too much. 5. Oh, we do NOT want to be killed. I get it now. That is totally different from every other multiplayer FPS. NOT! (I’m bringing this back.)

Best Comment: haha cool: “dude, work on the intro, it doesn’t look fun at all, and some people judge the game just by the box, or in this case, intro”

Warzone Screenshot

WARZONE

Yep, another crappy FPS on Steam Greenlight. Wait, unless this brings something new to the table? Nope, it does not. Just see for yourself: “It’s about a unique world…” NOPE! “…different rules…” NUH UH! “…and a different style!” No sir! “The main idea is that all players enjoy their time without having any weapon at the start of the game …” The developer even includes his own ellipsis here. Almost as if he or she typed this, paused to realize it is all a lie, and then continued with the BS. “…but everything will change once you hear the alarm …” Again, another ellipsis. Again realizing this is a mistake. “8 players go through 4 gates !!” For what? Why? You keep saying this is “unique,” but you have not shown us anything unique. You need to explain your game! …”just make sure to get your guns before the enemy does.” Yes, this is not new or unique. This has been the standard for most FPS multiplayer games since the mid-90s. Stop posting this crap on Greenlight!

Best Comment: HellBox: “hm , look graphic terible. but i vote yes.”

Upon even simple examination of this screenshot, it is easy to see the game is able to get extremely hectic in order to keep players on their toes.

The first title to examine is the ever-popular Cook, Serve, Delicious, created by David Galindo, which has over 100,000 copies sold (as of January 2015) and launched in October of 2013 on Steam. Rather than show off the waiting aspects of the restaurant business such as cleaning tables and delivering orders, Cook, Serve, Delicious cooks up a brand new perspective from inside the kitchen. Players are given the power to create their own menu while also having to suffer through the nitty and gritty of cleaning toilets and throwing away trash. The game then takes a step towards the current generation and showcases the potential of liking a picture online in order to generate “Buzz” which increases the amount of customers in a given day. Overall, fast-paced gameplay mixed with delectable art and a groovy soundtrack place Cook, Serve, Delicious as not only being a great food-based video game but a great video game in general.

The glamor! The glitz! The minimum wage!

Next up is a game based off of a Japanese restaurant, both of which are named Yoshinoya. Now, as many in the good ol’ USA might know, video games based off of fast-food joints are not exactly unheard of, but Yoshinoya takes things to a new level. Imagine a game in which the player gets to star in the lead role of a minimum wage worker at McDonalds, now switch that burger joint out for a respectable ramen joint in Japan. While not exactly the most glamorous game, Yoshinoya does offer players high-stakes gameplay with a charming art style and some really creative breaks in gameplay that offer intriguing visuals. Keep in mind that Yoshinoya was unfortunately only released in Japan, which makes sense given the basis, so if this game catches any fancies it will take some work to understand.

This is just like what Dante wrote about.

To finish this editorial off, it is time to take a trip back to the past and look at the OG of food-based video games, Burgertime. That is right, never before has making hamburgers been this deadly as players put themselves in the role of Chef Peter Pepper and navigate their way through a hellish maze that includes the demons known as Mr. Egg, Mr. Hot Dog, and Mr. Pickle. Though the game itself may seem simple, as players continue through the various levels they suddenly realize how quickly the game’s difficulty raises. Of course, what would an arcade game be without crushing difficulty and high-replayability?

Well that is that in the realm of food in video games; obviously there are tons of other cheap titles you can find that involve food as the main focus but none shine as bright as these three. So, what did you think of this editorial? Are there any other topics you would like to see presented throughout video games? Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know what you think!

Yes, great UI here!

Monstrous Lovers

This is some piece of crap anime love novel. Wow, great another one! Who cares? Oh, you get to date anime monsters? Wow! I still do not care. NEXT!

Best Comment: Bluegoblin: “fuck off whith visual novels”

What.

Freedom Defender

Defend THIS: points to butt.

Best Comment: ChaoticPesme [FR]: “Some subpar tower defense game that should be on kongragate or itch.io.”

Makes snese.

Beerman

Crap. Just crap.

Best Comment: Slick as Heck: “what the actual fuck is this”

Rolling in the 90’s, is a new way of life to me!

Pokemon X and Y launched for the Nintendo 3DS on October 12th, 2013 which was actually a worldwide release as opposed to previous games. These games released just a few days over a year after Pokemon Black 2 and White 2 and brought Pokemon into the third-dimension for the first time in the core franchise. Similar to previous games Pokemon X and Y comes stacked with new changes to the realm of Pokemon, some of which led to anger from fans. One of the most controversial changes was the addition of a new Pokemon type, Fairy, which led to imbalances in the battling scene and altered the types of previous Pokemon in order to build a stronger gathering of Fairy-type Pokemon.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for you are with me; your roller skates and your Pokeballs they comfort me.

Other changes to the famous Poke-paradigm include Sky Battles, which can only be held either by flying Pokemon or Pokemon with the Levitate ability, Pokemon-Amie, Horde Encounters, and Super Training. While Pokemon-Amie is nothing more than a perverted Pokemon petting pen, Horde Encounters can be used in great quantity in order to more easily catch shiny Pokemon either for collection or trading purposes. Meanwhile, Super Training can be used to bring out the full potential in a trainer’s Pokemon by boosting its internal stats for competition. Unfortunately those participating in #PotWatch are yet again disappointed by the lack of berry pots in this entry which are instead replaced by berry fields which still bring out the tediousness of having to check on the player’s berries rather than just having them readily accessible.

The age old legend is that the power of Klefki is greater than that of Beerus himself, God of Destruction.

Now if there is one specific criticism that radiates from fan’s hearts, it is the argument that the creators of Pokemon are running out of ideas. What led to these conclusions was the addition of Mega Evolution which is a temporary 4th stage of evolution for the Pokemon which adds more flair to previous evolution rather than a complete change in appearance in most cases. It also did not help that Pokemon X and Y include a Pokemon based solely off of a keychain, and that it ended up being one of the most overpowered Pokemon at that point in time due to its unique combination of Fairy and Steel. However, it is also important to recognize that it is not just Pokemon X and Y that has unimaginative or weird Pokemon designs, Lickitung still looks like some sort of half-fetus half infernal demon combination. Though, hopefully Sun and Moon are able to bring Pokemon back and look at more animals rather than inanimate objects, like the Blobfish.

There it is everybody, the ultimate grand finale to close off the string of Pokemon editorials. Now, Adeki is once again free to shitpost to his heart’s content, as a long as it comes back to video games in the end. What did you think of this series? Was it entertaining the whole way through or did it just get old by the fourth editorial? More importantly, in the distant future would you like to see a series like this but on different types of worlds in gaming? Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know what you think!

Sick ramp, bro!

Vroomist

It would not be a Greenlight Round-Up without some dumb-looking car game. Apparently this is some kind of puzzle RPG with cars, which is an interesting concept on its own, but since this is Steam Greenlight it will end up as a huge pile of trash. The RPG elements I get, but I am not sure how one makes a puzzle game with cars. Oh, right: this is Greenlight, so nobody will play it in the first place. My favorite line of the description is this: “Your cars will be leveled up with better gear, tires, engines, Vroom! (I will post more about what Vroom is in the future).” No, how about you explain it NOW. You know, one usually wants to add as much information as possible when trying to “sell” the game. The whole description reads like some corporate execs plan to save his butt, meaning there are a lot of promises but no real content. Nothing the developer promises is showcased in the trailer. The video just shows a generic, blue truck driving around a very small city and smashing into stuff. Wow, makes me really want to play this game!

Best Comment: Knights: “I love how you show nothing that you put in the description in game modes… Just another game test that’s never going to be finished but hey, why not slap it on greenlight!”

All hail the floating hand!

Hy Jack Unhandled

Wow, I am not even sure where to start with this one: crappy graphics, the player seems to control a floating hand, and the story is bonkers. In this game the player controls “Monterey Jack,” an ex-criminal who has come back from the dead to take down the criminal syndicate that killed his parents. Yes, the character’s name is both a type of cheese and a character from a Disney cartoon, but he did change it to “Hy Jack” upon his resurrection. Only slightly less stupid. Oh, and Jack also has some sort of superpowers due to his exposure to radiation as a child. Yes, this game makes zero sense. Honestly, I am not even sure what is supposed to happen in this game. It seems to be more of a physics simulator than a game. The trailer attached to the Greenlight description even says none of its footage is in game. Why even show it off, then? Why is there a floating, disconnected hand as a controller? Why is the Greenlight picture some busty anime babes? Why does this game even exits?

Best Comment: cylemmulo: “This looks terrible. Like something you would find for free and be like, ‘oh this is why it’s free.'”

Oh, you want to actually SEE your game? Too bad!

Black Willow

This game looks so bad that I do not even want to write about it. In fact, let us just check out the game’s description and make fun of that instead: “Black Willow tells the story of two students who getting abducted…” Oh, so the game is about the process in which these two people are abducted. Interesting. “…by a demonic sect.” *Sex. You spelled “sex” wrong, bro! “The game is an FPS which has a focus on running away from the enemies.” I would rather run away from this game. “The cutscenes are videos with real people.” Oh great, FMV games are coming back. Those totally and 100% worked in the mid-90s. Yes, those did not get boring, dull, and stupid fast. Idiot. “German language with english subtitles.” Even Germany would not play this game.

Best Comment: TAPbagan: “No thanks….”

He is the map, he is the map, he is the map, he is the map, HE IS THE MAP.

Pokemon Black and White launched in Japan on September 18th, 2010, just a couple days after two years after Pokemon Platinum which launched on September 13, 2008. Some of the coolest additions to the franchise from these titles were the Pokemon Dream World, which was a website that players could connect their handheld gaming device to in order to make new Pokemon friends and gather rare berries which they could bring back to their game (RIP, shut down January 14th, 2014). Another neat little add-on was the inclusion of seasons, another upgrade from the pre-existing time system, which could even change the sprites of certain Pokemon based on the season along with other visual changes. Other so-so inclusions are rotation battles and triple battles which are cute but ultimately useless in the long run, and they also added a word filter which banned certain name inputs which is complete and utter ********.

Look at all these things going on, is the player not sufficiently stimulated visually yet?

Now, one of the most entertaining topics of discussion involving Pokemon Black and White is Team Plasma, the weirdest villain group in a Pokemon game due to their sheer awkward cult-like behavior. Their goal is to liberate Pokemon by stealing them away from their trainers or by convincing them on a moral standpoint to release them. Overall, they are basically a bunch of jackasses who have no idea what they are talking about or doing and instead became PETA incarnate. As per usual the protagonist defeats them they decide to back off and they learn the error of their ways maybe or maybe not with the subtle ambiguity as to whether or not they have truly been defeated. While Team Plasma is definitely a step up from previous Pokemon villains, they just do not have the joyfulness of those before them which makes pretty “meh” in general.

Two legendaries face before each other, in the battle of a life-form.

To conclude this totally tubular editorial, it is time to talk about the sequels to Pokemon Black and White which of course are Pokemon Black 2 and White 2. These two games continue the story of the originals, because as players know the story is why many play Pokemon games in the first place, and canonically take place two years after Pokemon Black and White. Locations vary as some and newly locked off while others are now accessible to the player, but a main gripe had by some can be found in the middle ground the title treads between ultimate edition and genuine sequel due to the addition of new story elements and locations. But in the end, Pokemon is Pokemon, and that is a beautiful thing.

Whoop, there it is, the four Pokemon games that take place in the Unova surgically dissected in an erotic fashion. Did you like the addition of two new Pokemon editions rather than the usual one, or were you disgusted by the corporate greed of the matter? Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know what you think!

Wow, STUNNING visuals!

Very Difficult Race

“In this game you have to reach the finish line.” As this is a racing game, that goes without saying. However, that is the only piece of information we are provided about this game. Does one really need to know more about a standard racing game? Probably not. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the release date is “Когда угодно.” I just marked it on my calendar, but I was not really sure where to put that, so I just wrote it on one of the kitten’s faces. Yes, I have a kitten calendar. It is the only link to something fun Lusipurr has ever provided me. I remember having a cat before being stuck in this dungeon. His name was “Sparklez” and he was beautiful. I can only hope he is still alive and found another loving family to take care of him in my absence. Will I even escape this hell and see him again? Only time will tell, but not if games like this pile of garbage keep getting released. #stopsteamgreenlightnow

Best Comment: Marfung: “Who needs 60 fps when playing a racing game? Clearly 6 fps will do.”

Why is she quoting reviews of this game?

Waifu High

As my loyal fans already know, I HATE anime. Well, not hate. That is a bit of a strong word. I strongly dislike most anime, but I really do hate anime dating sims like this one. I mean, just look at the “core gameplay” as described in the Greenlight entry: “Roleplay as a high school student and ‘romance’ with waifus, cats and humans.” Hold on. Sorry, I had to go puke. Maybe some of the key features will make this game seem better: “Animated 3D Main Characters using Live 2D.” Well, that does not even make sense. “Side-quests with a plethora of quirky characters.” I think this really means “boring, typical NPCs.” “Each main character’s narrative follows a different narrative genre.” Wow, I cannot wait until the Moby Dick anime comes out! “An in-depth stats system that changes the protagonist’s interaction with the environment.” Can one of those interactions be that I never have to play this crap ever again? “Experience the life of a high school student who goes to class, works and travels through a city filled with detail and characters.” I can guarantee those “details” and “characters” will be bland, boring, and forgettable. “Humorous events derived from pop culture and gaming references.” Translation: the memes are coming. “Play through anime tropes.” So, big breasted, underage girls will be EVERYWHERE. “Secret events…” Here is a secret: STOP MAKING THIS CRAP!

Best Comment: Recluse: “My waifu is a small technicolor equine. I think I’ll pass on this game. Best of luck to you though.”

I’m assuming this is pre-rage?

Rage of the Battlemage

“Lorthan is a last living battlemag…” Oh, he is a “battlemag” now? This makes even less sense. Continue. “…as well as the most talented of all.” He cannot be that talented if THIS is his game. “He can use all elements magic – fire, water, earth and air.” Uh, what about the fifth element? Idiot “But as he is too much proud he doesn’t use air element magic. It serves him only to clean his lawn from leaves.” Is… is this a joke? Is this what the developer thinks passes for “humor?” “Through gaining experience and knowlage…” Must be an old timey way of saying “knowledge.” “…Lorthan has discoverd, not known to anyone else, the fifth element ‘Ethernal Ether…'” No joke: I did not read ahead when I was mocking this description. “…which allows him to heal his wounds.” Heal this game first. “As a first mage, he used fifth element in the battle.” Wait, I thought he was the last. Now he is the first? Is this some sort of weird, time travel “have sex with you grandmother to eventually create yourself” thing? “The fate of the world rests on his shoulders.” Then we are all screwed. “Bravely he stands to fight with demons of hell and monsters coming out of the ground!” Now we have demons and monsters?! You kind of buried the lead with that one, buddy!

Best Comment: Vithral: “Looks stupid.”

All these Pokemon and more could be caught for the low price of however much the game is!

Now, Pokemon Diamond and Pearl launched in Japan on September 28th, 2006 while the latest Pokemon title beforehand was Pokemon Emerald in September 14th, 2004. Many changes came alongside the franchise’s evolution to another portable device as it opened the door for new risks that developers could take. Though, one of the best additions to this series of Pokemon games was the inclusion of Wi-Fi, which finally let Pokemon players from around the globe battle and trade with each other, giving players more incentive to catch ’em all. Another quick thing to note is that the original Nintendo DS models (not the DSi for example) including a slot at the bottom to play Game Boy Advance games. This was utilized in Pokemon Diamond and Pearl by letting players import their Pokemon from previous games into their copies of Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, filling their Pokedex even more.

A whole new world!

Of course, being as Diamond and Pearl were pushed to the newest generation of Nintendo’s portable gaming devices, there are a lot more changes and features to discuss than just Wi-Fi and backwards compatibility. One of these features is the addition of a 24 hour clock system which leads to different Pokemon being accessible at different times in the day, a feature previous added in the past but refined heavily in these titles. These titles also boasted new connectivity to other Pokemon games such as Pokemon Ranger and the Wii title Pokemon Battle Revolution where your Pokemon could be placed within the arena and seen as 3D models battling it out. The starters in this game also bring a welcome addition to the team as they were the first to gradually all become dual-type Pokemon through evolution.

Adeki just found this picture after looking up Pokemon Sinnoh and decided the readers should suffer alongside him.

Last up, it is definitely worth mentioning that these titles do not have a remake or remastered version yet. Which is unfortunate given that that is usually what this last paragraph is about. So, instead, there will only be a brief spotlight placed on Pokemon Platinum. Sorry! Pokemon Platinum came out two years after its predecessors and boasts the new area called the Distortion World which utilizes the power of the DS by giving the player more 3D animations that defy the laws of physics, showing the player where Giratina resides along with her daunting Origin Forme. Other than that, Pokemon Platinum mostly includes a lot of behind the scenes changes such as animation speed increases and some balancing of certain moves like Accuracy. Not really a lot to write home about, but still a solid entry in the Pokemon series, especially for those who wait until the definitive version to embark into another Pokemon filled journey.

So, there it is, all three of the main entry Pokemon titles taking place in the Sinnoh region. Admittedly, Adeki is not a huge fan of this generation for reasons unbeknownst to many, but what do you think of the fourth generation of Pokemon? Let us know in the comments below how wrong Adeki is, make sure to give him a good insult too!

Wait, you’re telling me this is an INDIE game?!

Taxi Tyranny

Remember that game Crazy Taxi? Or maybe Carmageddon? Those were fun games, right? Well this game takes those two concepts, combines them together, and creates a complete pile of garbage. In this piece of human feces the player takes control of Fred Thurman, an average taxi driver in Mantrell City. Until aliens attack the city killing everyone but Thurman, who must now outfit his taxi with weapons and fight back. Sounds like fun, right? Yeah, I did not think so. The description of this game keeps calling out the graphics as “retro,” but I would just call them “ugly garbage.” It looks like someone started designing this game as school project, but then either forgot about it or did the least amount of work possible in order to still get a passing grade. Also notice that the first video on the Greenlight page is titled “Taxi Tyranny Trailer (Indie Steam Game),” but it is kind of obvious that this is an indie game. Actually, is there a description that is less corporate than “indie?” If so, that is what I would classify this under. Maybe “stupid garbage,” but that might be too much of a compliment.

Best Comment: Lightwave: “At least developer is not russian.. Yeah?”

Yes, the first thing I always see my cat do is hang out in a garbage truck.

Cat Survival

This game actually interests me quite a bit, as I have always wondered what it would be like to be a cat. Not in like a weird, sexual fursona way, but in a “roll around in the sun and sleep for 18 hours a day” way. However, I do not know what is even going on in this game. Just look at the description: “Surivaval game about street cat.” Okay, I follow so far. “Your owners abandoned you.” So, we were not originally a street cat. Seems to be a “fish out of water” type of story. Okay, I am in so far. “Cat has some atributes…” What? “…such as satiety…” Huh? “…helth…” Who? “…infection…” Wait. Infection?! Does the cat have feline AIDs or something? …”strength.” Yes, all cats are known for their strength. Not like their dexterity, flexibility, speed, etc. “You need hunt to survive it is very diificult for young and weak cat…” Oh. Okay. “…then you should dicide – eat garbage and increase your infection level or try harder in hunting stuff.” Yep, quite a decision. Either eat garbage and get more AIDs or hunt more and…. do something. “Then when you grow up…” But, what if you do not WANT to grow up? What if you want to be a Toys’R’Us kid?! “…you will chalenge other cats for reproduction purpose…” LOL SEX!!!! “testing your strength and skill.” Again, I do not think cats are really known for their strength. “You will live one week of every season for some random years(depends on how healthy you are).” So, what happens for the other weeks? Does the cat hibernate in a cryogenics chamber or something? “Soon, I will upload video about basic mechanics.” Naw, do not worry about it.

Best Comment: jacoblfree: “make the cost reasonable for garbage cat sim make it at least 15 dollers”

Just going to casually thrust my fist at my meth lab.

Vampire – Le fruit defendu

This is some piece of crap vampire game in French or whatever. Nobody really cares. I bet the developer of this wears a lot of black, lives in his mom’s basement, and spends $100 a week on eyeliner. Just look at those arm graphics, though. Apparently every vampire’s fist is glued shut? I bet that makes it hard to suck the life blood out of any potential victims. Maybe that is why one does not see a whole lot of vampires around anymore. At least, outside of the local Hot Topic store. I really like how the description is aggressively anti-religion: “For those not speaking french, ‘le fruit défendu’ means forbidden fruit, referring to Adam and Eve, their fictional relation with the birth of humanity and therefore it’s fall.” Wow, just going to throw it all out there, huh? I have a feeling the guy who makes this is one of those people who constantly, and loudly, talks about his agnosticism and how much smarter he is than someone who believes in any religion. He also probably has a very big collection of fedoras. Maybe he should pray to his Spaghetti Monster god to give him some game design skills.

Best Comment: Monsieur-Owly: “Looks more like a stump than an actual hand…”

You have to catch ’em all!

Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire launched in late November of 2002, just about 2 years after the launch of Pokemon Crystal. They were the first two main entry Pokemon games on the Nintendo Game Boy Advance, launching Pokemon into an insane frenzy of being even more convenient to carry around with the player, thus furthering their descent into Poke-based chaos. Really, the Hoenn region was gigantic for the time on such a portable gaming device. Hours upon hours of gameplay was right there in the player’s hands, and they just had even more time to catch ’em all.

An entire new frontier to battle in…a Battle Frontier! Awesome naming skills, Game Freak.

Now, coming from the Johto region, Hoenn added a lot of changes when it came to battling and transportation. A smart change to battling would be the abilities for flying Pokemon to now become immune to ground-type attacks, something that was not the standard in previous games. This was also paired with the inclusion of Double Battles to add some energy into the mix, thus creating new strategies as to how to use specific Pokemon moves and a new layer of depth. Now, arguably the most important new feature in Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire is Pokemon Contests. That is correct, Pokemon Contests, where the player shows off their Pokemon’s beauty, intellect, cuteness, or other physical traits, might just have revolutionized the gaming industry. The player can now decorate their Pokemon and then have it compete like a pageant girl! Albeit, without the weird usage of vicariously living through their Pokemon or the new development of anorexia.

Look at how far Pokemon has come, all within the span of a little more than a decade.

Now, the culminating edition of the Hoenn region, Pokemon Emerald launched just about two years after Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire in September of 2004. The greatest addition found in this new game was undoubtedly the Battle Frontier, an area with a series of different Pokemon based challenges that gives the player even more reason to keep coming back to Pokemon Emerald. A fan favorite activity in the Battle Frontier is undoubtedly the Battle Factory, which supplies the player with random Pokemon that have preset values and moves that can be completely different from the Pokemon the trainer might have spent hours training by themselves. Meanwhile, the remakes Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire unfortunately do not have this area, but do include a ridiculous amount of new features when compared to the base games. One of the biggest changes is obviously bringing these originally 2D games into 3D graphics on the Nintendo 3DS, fleshing them out in ways unseen before and breathing new air into aged locations.

So, that really is it when it comes to the Hoenn region. What do you think of the originals? Do they maintain their classic appeal or do their remakes reign supreme? Make sure to leave a comment below to let us know what you think.

Oh no! Someone made me spawn a new head!

A Game About Snowmen

This is one of those few games where the title says all one needs to know. This is a game about snowmen. Very crappy looking snowmen throwing pieces of themselves at each other in a very boring world. Yes, you heard me right: these snowmen make snowballs out of their own bodies to throw at each other. Their goal: knock the opponents head off. This is probably the most morbid game I have ever seen. Even more morbid than Phantasmagoria, at least that one did not have people cannibalizing themselves for fun. I also find it interesting that the game’s “Friendly Features” include “No Headshots,” “No Blood or Gore,” and “No Death.” Oh, and also “Bunny Ears.” First off: there ARE headshots, as the point of the game is to knock your opponent’s head off! Also, there may not be any blood, gore, or death to a human, but if Frosty were to play this, he would probably be puking his magical guts out. This is disgusting. Snowmen have rights too! #snowmenlivesmatter

Best Comment: Dr. Adam: “Snowmen having a snowball fight? Would that be with their own flesh then?”

What…. what?

Locking

This game’s title is derived from the fact that the player uses the Caps/Num/Scroll Lock keys to control the character. Wow, how exciting and original! This is going to be Game of the Year for sure! Let us read the description and find out more! “[My English is not good, following information from Internet translation]” Well, at least this guy is up front and admits he just threw this into some online translator. “Girlfriend is coming back.” From where? The store? Work? A vacation? Her mom’s house where she complains about you and her mom tries to convince her to finally dump you? “There was no time to explain.” Oh, no time to explain anything. Oh, wait. Do you mean “IS no time to explain?” Explain this crappy game? Yeah, I doubt you ever could. “Dispose of inflatable doll as soon as possible!” Why would I need to dispose of an inflatable doll. I mean, it is just a doll… oh. Oh, I get it now. Heheheheehehehehsexheheheheheehe. “Want to leave no trace,you should through some stages.” Should… what through some stages? “What that means is that you need to turn off the lamps with the music playing.” Oh. O…okay. “You can through the stage until the score reaches target.” Wait, is my girlfriend going to shop at Target now? In that case, I still have some time, because you can never leave Target withouth a million extra things. “Can we dispose of this dirty toy?” How DARE you talk about your girlfriend like that! “Now that it’s all up to you!” Finally. The burden is on our shoulders. We WILL become… LOCKING.

Best Comment: manonfire2730: “why not get rid of the doll or is your wife joining in?”

Just from this screenshot I’m going to assume this game is a love story between some hippy chick and one of the dog ghosts from Ghostbusters.

Sudden Chronicles

Wow, I “sudden”ly feel nauseous! Haha, just a li’l joke from me to you! Honestly, this game looks like garbage. Just read the “gameplay:” “Run on large maps around in order to find usefull items, weapons and new quests.” Wow, so much fun! I do not even know what to say about this one. These graphics look worse than Baldur’s Gate. Steam Greenlight is crap. Nobody should ever use it. Someone please set me free from this hell.

Best Comment: Smeagol: “I cant even read your description nor take it seriously.”

The only shiny Pokemon most people actually get without cheats or events.

First off, it is important to mention all the new key features that were added in these specific installments in the “Pokemon” franchise. The very first of which being the two new Pokemon types, Dark and Steel, which were added to balance out the Psychic and Fighting types. Numerous changes also occurred in terms of which Pokemon types were super-effective against each other, the most famous being Psychic now being weak to Ghost-type attacks instead of only being weak against Bug-type Pokemon which was a huge problem at the time considering that most Bug type Pokemon moves were as effective as throwing actual bugs at the screen. Other important changes included the addition of being able to breed Pokemon, Egg Groups, Shiny Pokemon, Pokerus, and the division of the Special stat to create Special Attack and Special Defense for some much needed variety. Game Freak also added a time feature that affected the appearance of certain Pokemon through either the morning, day, or night. Overall, the developers really outdid themselves when it came to innovating new ways to enhance the Pokemon experience. It was not only a graphical upgrade with some new Pokemon, but instead a game that they were unafraid to experiment with which was well appreciated then and now.

There he is, the cocky guy who refused to evolve his Pikachu.

Released in late 1999 for Japanese players, Pokemon Gold and Silver came out almost four years after Pokemon Red and Blue and was playable on the Game Boy and the Game Boy Color. These games also marked the first time the version’s exclusive legendary Pokemon was the mascot for the game and the first time a precious stone was used for the title. This generation also added 100 new species of Pokemon while also being able to contain the previous 151 through trading from previous versions or a Nintendo event. While the game’s main region was Johto, upon completion the player could actually travel back into the Kanto region and defeat the gym leaders located inside albeit it with oodles of changes as so that it was not as if players were just playing the original game once again. Although this editorial will not list every single one of these changes, it is probably important to reveal the most iconic alteration that occurs after the player finishes Pokemon Gold and Silver, Red. That is right, the protagonist from the first generation of Pokemon waits for the player on the top of Mt. Silver located at the far right of the Johto region. Red serves as the games most brutal challenge right before filling up the Pokedex as he comes equipped with six high-level and powerful Pokemon, including a level 81 Pikachu.

These pots were the damn future of gaming.

To conclude, the focus will switch to the “definitive” edition of the second generation, Pokemon Crystal which launched just a little over a year in Japan on December 14th, 2000. Arguably the coolest graphical difference between this game and the previous versions is the new intro animations that Pokemon contained upon appearance which in the later years would evolve into longer and more complete Pokemon animations. Of course, the game also came with other graphical changes such as new Pokemon sprites, and location changes to better suit the storyline changes that came into place once Suicune was selected as the version’s main Legendary Pokemon. Now to conclude this editorial’s conclusion, Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver have to be mentioned as they contain some of the very best additions to the Pokemon franchise, some of which were never seen again. In the DS remakes, all 493 Pokemon had a chance to follow the player onscreen if they were the first Pokemon in the party which was adorable and is sorely missed by some players. Alongside this, these remakes improved music, graphics, sprites, animations, story changes, and character changes in order to tie the Johto region in with the later generations including Legendary Pokemon from those games. The best change of all however, hands down, was the inclusion of berry pots which were a gift from God himself as players no longer had to remember where they planted berries in order to collect them as they were always traveling with the player in their bag.

Well, that pretty much wraps up the second generation of Pokemon and all of its beautiful additions to the series. What do you think of Pokemon Gold, Silver, and Crystal? Do you just like other generations more or do you think their remakes Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver are superior? Let us know in the comments below!

Hehehe what do you think he’s doing?

Potato Thriller

Oh no! The famous serial killer knows as the “Potato Man” is back and killing again! Maybe he will kill me before I have to look at this game again. “‘Potato Thriller’ is an insane horror/thriller/action game with a crazy story-line and constant changing gameplay mechanics.” Translation: it makes no sense and is not fun. The developer could not be bothered to even chose one type of game play. “Play as Quindalin, the best bounty hunter around.” What? What kind of name is that? That sounds like the name from a thirteen-year-old’s Star Trek fan fiction. “Explore the dark twisted world of the Potato man as you struggle to survive dangerous environments, encounter deadly enemies, meet strange characters, and come across many unexpected situations.” Quite a promise for a Steam Greenlight game, right? At least the English in this one makes sense. So it has that going for it, I guess. I dunno. This game just depressed me. I need to go eat a whole carton of ice cream.

Best Comment: Widdershins: “Lot of shit on GL today”

Reddit would eat this crap up.

Project K.Y.S.A.

Hey, remember that Five Nights at Freddy’s game that totally never was cloned a billion times? This game is 100% not one of those clones, but starring some Russian dude’s cat instead of animatronic animals. Oh, wait. It totally is! “It’s a summer!” Oh, just “a summer?” There are so many things I want to say about this sentence already. Let us just continue. “Time to earn some money, for buy interesting things…” What? What does that mean? Can one of my readers decipher this? “…and to spend the holidays fun.” Oh. Oh, no. This makes even less sense! Now my head hurts. “But… where to find a job?” I… do not know. I cannot do this anymore. “FAMILY CAFE WITH PETS IN SEARCH OF A SECURITY GUARD!” Why? Why does this exist? Why is my life…. this?! “Protect our pets, watch to the mechanisms are not stolen and earn 90$ for 5 days!” $90 a day! Whooooa! That is some big moolah! Wait… what is the catch? “…” I knew it. Your silence tells me there IS a catch. Now to just find out what it is. “Your work week has started” Wait. I did not agree to work for you yet! I still need to find out the catch! Oh, well. I am sure I will find it soon. I mean, it cannot be that bad, right?

Best Comment: AlecZer: “This looks terrible, barely even a game at all 0.5 / 10 only because of the cat”

What even is this?

Driving Shooters

What? What even is this? A box with a gun on it? Honestly, this sort of stuff should not surprise me coming from Steam Greenlight, but it still does. Just look at the game’s description. “Driving Shooters is a innovative new game that combines the age-old genres of racing and first person shooters.” Yes, the name of this game is Driving Shooters. Probably the worst name in the world. Who wants to bet that this “innovative” game is not innovative at all? “in driving shooters you play on a team of two, one of you controlling a turret and the other controlling a vehicle.” If, you know, you can actually find someone to play this game with you. “your team tries to get the most hits while also avoiding getting shot.” Pretty much just standard shooter stuff so far. Nothing innovative here. “It is a combination of co-op and multiplayer, each round consists of 4 teams versus each other in a deathmatch.” Again, this assumes anyone will want to play this crap. “If you get killed you can keep spectating.” Awesome! I cannot wait to watch a game I did not want to play in the first place! “if you win you can upgrade your vehicle, and your teammate can upgrade his turret.” Wait, so we cannot be the turret controller? We have to drive in each game? Sounds boring! “your teammate is chosen by you from your steam friends.” Who will then quickly unfriend you for making you play this crap. Great!

Best Comment: Mundaneye: “How much did you take out of your parents wallet to get this game on greenlight?”

Where it all began, at least for some people.

The very first titles in the “Pokemon” franchise were released on February 27th, 1996 in Japan, just recently celebrating their 20th birthday with a Nintendo Direct. Created by Satoshi Tajiri, the two games were known as Pocket Monsters: Red and Green. Due to the apparent success of the titles, a slightly enhanced version, known as Pocket Monsters: Blue was released exclusively to subscribers of “CoroCoro Comic,” a popular Japanese magazine. Three years after the fact, Pocket Monsters: Blue was released in a retail edition in October of 1999, just a month prior to the release of Pokemon Gold and Silver which will be covered in next week’s editorial. Back on topic, there is a specific reason as to why this editorial makes a clear difference in title to Pokemon Red and Blue as opposed to Pocket Monsters: Red and Blue. This is because the former, what North American players know as being the first games released, are actually differentiated versions of Pocket Monsters: Blue that retain the version-exclusive Pokemon from the Japanese titles. Ultimately, this choice was more than likely for the better as Pocket Monsters: Blue allowed North American players to immediately partake in the enhanced visuals and game engine that most Japanese players did not have the privilege of experiencing first hand.

Squirtle is the best starter, hands down.

In the year of 2016, players are left with the downright cruel task of catching over 700 Pokemon in order to reign supreme as a true Pokemon champ, a challenge that truly tests even the toughest of resolve and gives players the handsome reward of bragging rights that could probably elicit sexual favors. Setting the clock back quite a bit though, Pokemon Red and Blue only contained 150 Pokemon, or 151 depending on how much someone else knows. Although, owning every single Pokemon within an individual game would be impossible without cheating in some form unless the player traded Pokemon with someone else as there were approximately 11 version-specific Pokemon for each game. Truly, these games laid out the foundation for how future Pokemon games were made with the famous choice of three starters, a fire type, water type, or a grass type, the eight gyms players must go through to achieve badges, and the Elite Four which contain the best Pokemon trainers in the region. Speaking of which, the region that the very first games take place in is known as the Kanto region which is based off of the actual Kantō region located in the west side of Japan. Just like any region, Kanto has its own quirks as almost every city within the game is named after a color or relates to color in some way. In game, Kanto is also located south of the Sinnoh region and east of the Johto region, leading to its eventual inclusion within Pokemon Gold and Silver.

Youngster Joey later grew up to be the owner of this site, who still loves a Rattata.

To close up this editorial, the focus will now be shifted to Pokemon Yellow and the remakes Pokemon LeafGreen and FireRed. The most jarring difference between Pokemon Yellow and its predecessors is its connection with Pokemon anime rather than the previous games. This connection leads to the inclusion of Team Rocket’s most well-known employees, Jessie and James, as well as the lack of choice in which starter the player recieves which is instead replaced with Pikachu. However, the player can still obtain all three starters through in-game events which pair well against the rival’s predetermined starter, an Eevee. A couple years later, in 2004, Pokemon LeafGreen and FireRed were released as a way to remake the original games in order to give them the improvements that Pokemon Emerald benefited from just a couple months before. These main upgrades being the inclusion of Pokemon abilities, natures, new dual-type Pokemon that were originally one type, added areas, new tracks, along with dozens of other changes that could most likely take up an entire editorial all by themselves.

So, there it is, a glimpse into the past back into the Kanto region and all of its most memorable achievements. What is your opinion on the first generation of Pokemon? Did this editorial teach you anything new about the first generation or were wildly inaccurate statements thrown around like a basketball? Make sure to leave a comment below to let us know what you think.

This is seriously the only screenshot with ANY color.

Boo!

I am not even sure where to begin with this one. Let us just read the game’s description and see if we can figure it out together. “You put him…” Okay, hard stop right there. Who is “him?” Also, who is the player controlling? A doctor or nurse? We really should not expect to know actual important information in these Greenlight games. “…in a psychiatric clinic strict regime and severely beaten for repeated suicide attempt…” Yes, the best way to treat someone with suicidal tendencies is to beat them. Good doctoring there. “…and for the murder of his wife Lucy.” Oh, well now the beatings make sense! “You have to get out of the clinic and take revenge on all those who contributed to your capture…” Wait, I thought WE were the captors? Unless the controlling character changes? Kind of like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid 2. “…and for cruel izbeenie himself a native.” What? Who? What…. I do not even care anymore. “Solve puzzles, find the keys to the door and look do not be afraid of what you would get in the way to do it all.” Okay, I cannot even grasp what this last part is meant to say. Honestly, I do not even want to try!

Best Comment: Rasen: “What an appropriate title. Because it’s what the audience is saying as well.”

The Chair looks on at his empty, family home and remembers the good times.

Chair Simulator

Yet another Simulator game to come out on Greenlight. This was kind of, but not really, funny back when Goat Simulator came out, but the meme died very soon after that. I mean, Goat Simulator was pretty fun for a couple hours, but there was not a lot you could do with it. Kind of like when you see a boobie for the first time, or, in Pierson’s case, when he finally sees one for the first time. I am not sure what else to say about this game. The player walks around as a chair and collects coins for some reason. Are there upgrades one can buy with said coins? Who knows? Who cares? I would be surprised if this game was still posted on Greenlight by the time this article goes up. In the meantime, go play a good game. I picked up the re-release of Pokemon Red that just came out for the 3DS on Friday. It is still lots of fun and brings back a lot of nostalgia from back when I first played them. My sister and I both got GameBoy Colors and Pokemon Red/Blue for Christmas that year. I took Blue and she took Red. I still remember the day I finally caught all 150 Pokemon, including the legendary ones and Mewtwo. What a great day that was… what was that? Oh, I should be talking about this crap game? HECK no!

Best Comment: SubUmbra: “Please try a new fad.”

The world is as empty as my heart.

Beacon of Hope

Another RPG Maker pile of garbage! What “new” and “innovate” features does this one promise? Let us check the game’s description! “Beacon of Hope is a classic ATB-style RPG with a difficulty level that promises a challenging…” NOPE! “…yet rewarding…” NOPE again! “…take on the classic formula.” Meaning “I do not have any real ideas, so I am going to steam from every Final Fantasy game ever.” “Featuring a host of characters…” None of which you will care about, because they will all be your typical weeaboo garbage personalities. “…optional areas and side quests…” None of which you will play, because nobody will even care enough about this game to play the main story “…and a branching storyline with over 10+ total hours of gameplay…” None of which you will get through, because both RPG Maker and Steam Greenlight are garbage. Two negatives do NOT make a positive. Unless you are in math class. “…follow Corwin Ambermoon…” Seriously? That is what you are going to name the hero of this “epic” quest? That sounds like a rejected name from The Hunger Games. “…on his quest across the land to try and stop the traitorous King Bellmare from destroying the world of Five Realms. Can you be the Beacon of Hope?” NO!

Best Comment: Lato: “He’s only been using RPG Maker for 8 days and thinks his game should be on Steam!!!!!???”

She looks like the perfect candidate to be a pinup in a video game themed edition of Playboy.

The first game this editorial will focus on is simply titled Barbie, a Commodore 64 game released in 1984 that lets the player see the life of Barbie from a more candid perspective, not unlike the television show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” excluding the fact that Barbie has talent. Now, upon launch the game treats the player with a downright pornographic image of Barbie lounging on the screen, letting her hair down after a long day of dealing with her boyfriend Ken. Once the game picks up, the player realizes that they have to help Barbie pick out an outfit for her date with Ken, these outfits of course range from slutty dolphin to Amish abortionist. After picking out Barbie’s outfit the player is finally rewarded with an image of Barbie and Ken on a date looking as though they had just undergone surgery to make their heads look like Lego pieces and their anatomy to be wildly inaccurate, this surgery is known in the medical realm as the “Imitation Inbred.”

Barbie’s hair looks like she strangled a poodle and decided to wear it as a fashion statement.

The second game this editorial shall examine is also named Barbie which is such a creative title it reaches the edge of genius. Released on the NES in 1991, Barbie is a 2D platformer with level design so creative it rivals that of Miyamoto’s greatest creation. Rather than a bland “Getting Ready for a Date” simulator, Barbie dares to go where no Italian plumber has ever gone before, shopping. That is correct, Barbie goes to three awe-inspiring worlds known respectively as, Mall World, Underwater World, and a Soda Shop. Of course, the objective is much different from its predecessor as the main goal is to collect pieces of the perfect outfit in order for Ken to take her to the Fantasy Ball which is completely different than some mere date as she is DREAMING this encounter. As an interesting side-note, this game in particular was the victim of heavy counterfeiting at the time, which makes perfect sense given its high quality and brilliant game design.

Barbie looks like an obese burn victim who underwent liposuction and was then incorrectly fitted with a different woman’s face.

The last and most important game that will be covered in this editorial is Barbie Horse Adventures: Mystery Ride”, which is the second title in the collection of “Barbie Horse Adventures.” A PC title released in 2003, this game forces the player to endure searching for a horse through logic puzzles, horse riding, and being able to survive the downright demonic character models the game provides. Common Sense Media had the audacity to describe the game as being “amazingly realistic” and “satisfying to play”, keeping in mind that this review was written in 2003, this is still undeniable bullshit. The game is just a travesty so it is recommended that readers play it immediately after finishing this editorial. Be warned though, as Common Sense Media also points out the key fact that “some parents won’t like the fact that Barbie wears such form-fitting clothes” which is nice-speak for “Barbie dresses like a downright dollar store whore and your child will too after playing this game.”

So, what do you think of Barbie’s contributions to the video game industry? Have you ever played/survived a Barbie video game? Make sure to leave a comment below to let us know what you think!

What is even happening here?

RPG Fighter League

This is one of those rare Steam Greenlight games that could actually be decent if it was made by a competent game studio and not posted to Steam Greenlight. Also, if it was not made using RPG Maker. According to the game’s description, this is some sort of coliseum-style RPG where the player creates their own team of heroes and fights their way up the ranks to become champion of various fighting leagues. The description also boosts weekly new, free content based off the comments of the players. Sounds like a pretty decent game, right? Too bad this is Steam Greenlight and the developer will give up on this “weekly” content within the first three months. Especially since they will soon realize the limitations of both their money and using RPG Maker. FYI to all would-be developers with games this complicated: do not try to make this one your own. Pitch your idea to an already established game company and take the money they give you. Possibly take a staff position, if one is offered. Get your name out there and THEN try to make a game like this on your own. Prove to the gaming community that you CAN do something like this. I would not be surprised if this game crashes and burns within the first couple months of its release.

Best Comment: Lavos: “wow! cool tipe Final Fnatasy 6-5-4” (I chose this one because I have no clue what they are trying to say.)

Very convenient that the “Exit Game” option is always right there at the top of the screen.

Play The Game – The Real Game Life Simulator

This is a simulator of playing video games. Yes, just in case you are not disconnected from the world enough! This game has the player play as many games as possible, so they can be crowned “The King of All Gamers.” The player does this by gaining money, buying new games, and playing as many as possible. The game’s description also notes that each game your in-game character plays will be a mini-game the player can play. Sounds fun, right? This reminds me a lot of Retro Game Challenge that game out on the Nintendo DS a few years ago. That was a pretty good game. This one, not so much. Why do I say this? Two reasons: Steam Greenlight and Unity Engine. Adding both those together instantly makes this a crappy game. Oh, and check out all these “features” in the game’s demo: “In order to see graphics of the game on TV, you have to turn on the TV and the game console, then connect them with a video cable. When you finish all of above, you can actually play a mini game.” Wow! What a great feature! Even though I could easily do that in real life without paying for this piece of crap game. What a joke.

Best Comment: Sheriff Narwhal: “yay another hilarious simulator game with that infamous “made with unity” splash screen”

This guy’s hands are constantly in that ‘Aliens!’ pose.

Nightfall Dead Age

This is one of those games that makes fun of itself in its Greenlight description. it should be noted that this was apparently (badly) translated from Spanish. Let us enjoy that, shall we? “This game is about a soldier who survived a massive war of the powerful governments in the XXI century,…” Oh, you mean the twenty-first century we are in now? How exotic! “…waking up after a long time he realized he had strange subjects in the world called them the zekas.” So, is your character a king or some sort of royalty? That would be pretty important information to know from the beginning. Unless that is supposed to be a twist. “Maybe that’s not the question we must answer, but rather should be Where they come from?” Wait, what was our other choice to answer? I only see one question here. “,” I am not sure why this comma is here. “What are they?” Oh, HERE is the other question. Nevermind. “¿” A random Spanish question mark. “Survived more people?” I do not… I do not know what this means. “Are there more of your class?” Class? What class? Is your character in school? Again, information that would be nice to know from the start. “Will I survive?” Is the game developer now asking us if he/she will survive? Is the developer in any sort mortal danger? “Only it left in you to survive in this cruel world” Yes. Yes it is…? Also notice how there is not ending punctuation on that sentence. “This game is an in Development Game, with one people work” Again, no ending punctuation. However, we do now know that this game is, in fact, “one people work.” Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Best Comment: giles.haydon: “This looks like some sort Christian Rock simulator”

There he is, although he might not be as fluffy and adorable, he can kill people and that is what truly matters.

First up, is Dog (occasionally stylized as D0g) from Half-Life 2 one of the most well-known first person shooters of all time that includes one of the friendliest robots gamers have ever encountered. While at first he seems like a horrifying amalgamation of machinery, Dog later proves himself at being an exceptional fighter, with throwing skills that rival the greats such as Kobe Bryant and Bugs Bunny. In fact, in Half-Life 2: Episode Two, Dog shows that he is able to take down a Strider, which is basically a gigantic alien war machine that is about 3 times the height of Dog. He also proves useful in saving the life of Freeman’s dear friend Alyx, but not her father Eli, who is what the kids would call “super dead.”

Chibi-Robo must face off against a teddy bear that is scarily addicted to nectar, like a heroin addict except scarier.

Next, Lusipurr.com feels like it must inform its readers of the unfortunate news that people lie, namely those who write editorials. Because of this, the next radical robot in this editorial is none other than Chibi-Robo from the Gamecube title Chibi-Robo! Plug Into Adventure!. Not only is Chibi-Robo adorable as sin, he is also ridiculously useful, capable of performing tasks that range from being as minuscule as cleaning up paw-prints with a toothbrush to saving a suburban family from divorce. Although the only good game he has been in was his first, Chibi-Robo will continue to live in the hearts of those with rose-colored glasses and damn near crippling nostalgia for what might have actually not been that great a game, but instead just a good game that was fun to play at the time.

Just look at how cool he is, the awe-inspiring beauty!

Last, but certainly not least, is the one and only Cait Sith who proudly welcomes readers upon immediate arrival to the site. That is correct, Cait Sith, known hero is nothing more than a remote controlled puppet which in Layman’s terms is a really cool cat robot capable of controlling a gigantic toy Moogle that most likely has diabetes or fallen arches due to its crippling weight. Cait Sith is no mere puppet, he is a robotic cat that kicks ass and controls a giant Moogle with a megaphone that has more power than a Taiwanese baby’s left thumb. Without a robot as luxurious as Cait Sith it is unknown if this website would even exist. Truly, Final Fantasy VII is the gift that keeps on giving with its colorful cast of characters including the one and only Cait Sith who is the true pièce de résistance of this editorial.

Who is your favorite robotic video game character? Go for more obscure video game characters, do not just bore us with classics like Mega Man and the Robot Masters, give us your favorite robot sidekicks that only make a two minute appearance in a video game that only sold ten copies. Make sure to leave a comment below!

A medieval Iron Man ponders why he is in this game at all.

Possessed

First off, I will be honest: this game looks like it would not be ABSOLUTELY horrible, like all else of Steam Greenlight, but there are two things holding it back: it is on Steam Greenlight and the developer is like 12. Remember all those “cool” pictures that one alt kid used to draw on his folders during middle school? The art in this game is 90% comprised of those. Giant, impossible-to-wield weapons, random princesses with huge racks, and “funny” spins on the traditional fantasy troupes (making potions from TEARS?! Hilarious!). Also, this would not be Steam Greenlight without someone making a story that nobody ever wanted or asked for. Apparently this game is a “continuation” of the Little Red Riding Hood story, complete with unnecessary gore, magic, and swear words! I guess Little Red Riding Hood gets possessed by some evil god named “Dark Lord Assrabbit” (Again, hilarious!) and she has some fake magic spell book that is in every fantasy movie/TV show/story ever. This game just reminds me of a crappy version of MDK.

Best Comment: Mad Tweek: “And I voted down. Pure balance, pure balance… :)”

Why… why is that baby here?

Welp, this sure is a game alright! I mean, not one that anyone in their right mind would ever want to play this pile of garbage. Especially since it is meant to be played using the Oculus Rift. I guess this is a game where the player just drives a car around a “table-top” and crashes into things? Oh wait, I remember this game when it was called Burnout, and it was a billion times better. Except for Burnout: Paradise. That game was fun, but the whole open world thing kind of ruined the point of having events. Especially since the player had to physically drive in the game to each event and could not easily pick them from the menu. However, that game is still much, MUCH better than this piece of Greenlight garbage. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, this garbage Greenlight game. This game looks like a demo to show off the Oculus Rift hardware, not a game itself. This is something that should come free with the Rift. Maybe not even free, they should pay YOU to play it. I am also pretty sure I have seen the assets used in this game in a bunch of other crappy indie games.

Best Comment: girlfoxgirl: “Who is the target audience for this game? A baby in the logo, the title, and the gameplay of playing with toy cars- I would guess children? Is VR really the best method for this? I wouldn’t let a child handle the expensive equipment of a VR headset and this looks too childish for me to play myself.”

LOL!

Fart Blackjack

This is it. This is the best game on Steam Greenlight. Look, I know I have said that once before. Maybe twice or three times, but this time it is 100% true. Just check out the game’s description: “Finally, the type of blackjack game you have always wanted to play.” Truer words were never spoken. Let us read the rest of this amazing, wonderful game’s description! “Bet money and try not to go over 21.” Okay, standard blackjack rules so far. “If you lose or go butt,” Huh? “Go butt?” I do not know what that means, but I LIKE it! “…you will fart.” Hell YES! This game already gets a 10/10 from me, and I have not even played it! Game of the Year right here, baby! “If you run out of money, you may diarrhea your pants !” …I did not think this game could get any better. Then the developer throws in DIARRHEA?! Possibly the funniest of all poop jokes?! Be still my beating heart….

Best Comment: Varivox: “Sad thing is, this is actually pretty good for Greenlight…. F*** you Valve, f*** you….”

Please do not watch a Tyler Perry movie, he really does not deserve money, Lusipurr.com does though.

Most sane people do not willing subject themselves to watching a movie created by Tyler Perry, who happens to be famous for his character of Madea. The character of Madea being Perry in drag playing as a loud and constantly irate African-American woman who is physically abusive towards both her friends and family. Because of the fact that the correlation between readers of video game journalism and those who buy tickets to see Tyler Perry in theaters is at an all time low since 2008, it only makes sense to create a simulator of being held at gunpoint while watching a Tyler Perry movie. However, while Tyler Perry has made other movies outside of the Madea franchise, for the context of this editorial every single movie Tyler Perry has made stars Madea in some form or fashion. This does not change much though as the simulator would require the player to own and operate a piece of virtual reality equipment so they can truly immerse themselves as a gun can be seen pointed at their head with the slightest turn of either left or right, forcing them to watch as Tyler Perry makes fart jokes in woman’s clothing, unable to escape this seemingly eternal hell, which actually ends once the movie itself does. A suitable title for this game would be Being Forced To Watch A Tyler Perry Movie At Gunpoint Simulator 2016 as its evident a newer version would be eventually made for 2017 once a new Tyler Perry movie is released.

It is unknown where the rest of the opposing team is, possibly at Denny’s.

Sports are kind of popular in general, so there have been a multitude of video games based around sports. Though, one sport suspiciously left out in video gaming culture is the schoolyard classic of Kickball, which is similar to baseball except with much more emphasis on the legs. In this simulator, players would be able to stand in line in the blazing heat as they worry they will be picked last for the team, putting them in an extremely awkward position. They can also relieve kicking the rubber ball far and high as the opposing team scrambles to catch it while the player’s team members are reaching home plate faster than the player can reach first base. All of this amazing content and possibly even more can be found in Kickball Simulator 2016 which will never be patched or have any bugs fixed, instead, the next year’s version will just change the rules but keep the glitches.

The family is smiling because they get to witness first-hand Aunt Sharon’s descent from sobriety.

Holiday parties can be very stressful events for many people as it can involve visiting family members that might not necessarily share the same political or social opinions. Cousin Margaret is really feeling the Bern while Uncle Paul likes the cut of Jeb’s jib but when those two meet, oh boy, yelling ensues. Meanwhile, there is the player, yes, the player of Keeping Your Damn Mouth Shut At A Holiday Party Simulator 2016. There really is no point it trying to argue with family about politics as the Holiday season is about togetherness, but more importantly, it is about stuffing faces with Grandma Ester’s famous peanut brittle which has been the cause of only two allergy-related deaths. This game is perfect for basement dwellers whose family has effectively abandoned them come December, so they can simulate how they would actually act if their family was not ashamed of them. It is also comes with a special filter so that it can be played in crystal clear 4K, even while the player is crying. Happy (Late) Holidays.

What do you think of simulation games, have they gone too far or should some of the ones mentioned in this editorial be brought to life? Are you tired of Adeki’s bizarre attempt at satire where you can not actually tell if he believes what he is saying? Make sure to leave a comment below, and to not watch a film directed by Tyler Perry, even if on accident.