2010.06.05
Probably not what Marvin Gaye had in mind.
Get Your Sex, But Not Here!
Many lonely fanboys cried wimpy tears this week as Sony refused an offer made by Vivid Video, the world’s largest pornography creator of such favorites as “Debbie Does Dallas…Again!” The company’s hope was to set up an age-restricted area on PSN where adult gamers could go to download some high-definition horizontal action, but Vivid founder Steven Hirsch regrets that negotiations went limp. However, he is not going to give up on the lonely gaming masses just yet, stating he could now turn his intentions to Microsoft to possibly bring some smut to the 360. But what if you need nudity now? First, get out of the house and obtain someone of the opposite gender, this might be harder for some of you. Then, fire up your iPad or iPhone and play your new game! Which game? “War is Not the Answer,” a new game by Masaya Matsuura, creator of PaRappa. And why would your new significant other even consider getting naked to a video game? Because this game is based on the musical stylings of the one and only Marvin Gaye. Yes ladies and gents, an entire game based on “Sexual Healing.” It will play in the same Guitar Hero/Rock Band style, with users tapping a highlighted area in time with his soulful lyrics. Unfortunately, the game has no set release date yet, so you miserable losers will have to continue using your hand for now.
"Stop comparing me to Cloud, assholes!"
Final Fantasy XIII, Now Making Your PS3 a Tunnel Too!
On June 2nd, a class action lawsuit was filed against the evil overlords at Squeenix regarding FFXIII…sadly, you cannot sue for the hours of your life that you will never get back. Instead, they are suing for their PS3s which they now can never get back, as the game’s notable glitches not only froze the game, but made their systems completely inoperable with other discs as well. Of course, SquareEnix representatives are pointing the blame on Sony’s faulty system being unable to handle their awesome tunnel, while Sony says Square released faulty discs. The suit seeks damages of over five million dollars, and neither company has responded to IGN for comment.
"Teehee, its funny when you bleed!"
Only Some Gamers are Batshit Crazy
Actually, about four percent of gamers are batshit crazy, playing video games almost forty-nine hours a week. Yes, playing video games more than a full-time job. Surprisingly enough, a third of those categorized as “extreme gamers” by the NPD study were actually women, with the average age of all participants being twenty-nine. Even more interesting is the economic status of the “extreme gamer,” showing that the majority of them were actually people with a lower income than the other gamers. But, these same lower-income extreme gamers were found to buy more games than others, a staggering thirty-four game average over a three month period, which should dispel the idea that it is solely World of Warcraft’s fault. A good question the study does not answer is how much of this is Counter-Strike’s fault…probably because no one gives a shit about Counter-Strike anymore, except for one guy. Julian Barreaux, a 20-year-old nerd from northern France, spent seven months hunting down another player that killed him in-game in a knife fight. After finding that this rival lived only a few miles away, the crazy Frenchy went to the fellow gamer’s home and stabbed him, just barely missing his heart. The Counter-Strike fanatic will be held in jail for two years and must undergo regular psychiatric evaluations and anger management therapy.
Aww, such a sweet, considerate virtual girlfriend! She's giving you lube for when you go masturbating in a lonely corner while crying!
Need My Virtual Porn Now!
To begin my weekly news with porn, I needed to end it with porn, and for that, I turn to Japan. To be fair, Love Plus is not actually a pornographic game, but a dating sim that has attracted massive popularity, including a Japanese man legally marrying his imaginary digital girlfriend. This week, the obsession over the game reached a new level of ridiculous when nerds starting rioting outside of shops in Akihabara. Especially when you consider that these riots are not caused for the release of the game itself, but for pre-ordering it. Yes, the police have had to break up crowds that go enraged when they could no longer reserve a copy of a game. To be fair, these reserves are extremely rare, as the bundle (which comes with the game, a special-edition DS, and a fan) has been selling out instantly online, and to the disdain of many, has been turned around and resold on auction sites for several times the original price. It is unclear why Konami has not released enough to meet the ridiculous levels of demand, but the accosted shop owners and police officers are surely wondering the same.
20 Comments | 
News | Tagged: PS3, XBox 360, Nintendo DS, Microsoft, Konami, Square Enix, Sony, Final Fantasy XIII, PSN, iPhone, iPad, porn, lawsuit, violence, Vivid Video, War is Not the Answer, Marvin Gaye, glitch, NPD survey, extreme gamers, Love Plus, riots | 
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Posted by Jenifer
2010.05.28
She's missing her RROD.
Microsoft Has Weaknesses?! NO WAI!
Ya rly, nerds of the internet. Two high-level employees announced this week that they will be leaving in the fall; Entertainment and Devices Division Chief Technology Officer J. Allard and the division president Robbie Bach both saw Microsoft through the development of the XBox brand both turned in their resignations. However, insiders believe that this was not a graceful exit, but rather a pre-emptive strike to their impending firing. In addition to the XBox, they are also responsible for Windows Mobile, which is being vastly overshadowed by the likes of Android, RIM, and Sony, and we all know how Microsoft doesn’t like anyone else to be good at what they do. With any luck, their release this fall will bring with it a wealth of bitter words and leaked information, it already has from other sources. Former studio manager for Microsoft Scott Bayless made a statement this week that the upcoming Project Natal will fail miserably. He apparently was asked to review the plans for Natal in 2008, at which point he was told they would sit on this idea for a while, a decision he calls foolish. He sees the ultimate outcome of this will be “spending tens of millions on a game” while “the last thing I want to do is lose 90 per cent of my market.” Which makes sense, the hardcore Halo fan that breathes Microsoft’s bullshit like pure oxygen could care less about a moving controller and the impending poorly-designed Hello Kitty game that will go with it, he wants a new game that has been painstakingly developed with love and care. Despite this, leaked details say that Microsoft’s projections for the peripheral are high, expecting to sell millions to non-traditional gamers in the first year, despite the steep US$150 price tag. The leak sets Natal’s release date at October 26th, so by year’s end, we will see what level of turd Microsoft has pawned off on us.
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, take a good hard look!
Call of Duty Fanboys Rejoice
Playing at Soap MacTavish, Solid Snake, and countless other men of burly muscle and hairy faces has long given the bright-eyed youth of America the impression that war is awesome. Fighting is awesome, killing is awesome, let’s join the military because it will be awesome too! Yes yes, we are a nation of meatheaded retards. So to compound all of our retardedness into one grandiose force of idiocy, the Navy has begun toying with the idea of using the Wii Fit for basic training. No really, I wish I was kidding. Navy Surgeon General Vice Admiral Adam Robinson stated that the past few years have seen new recruits of poor physical condition, and that a program involving Wii Fit and Dance Dance Revolution could improve the endurance skills of the new meat shields. However, for those of you who are worthlessly lazy or those terrified of the Navy’s impending doom, keep in mind that Robinson added “this isn’t about starting with computers and stopping everything else,” but instead is a kind of gateway to the more physically intense training that sailors will need to perform. So to all our international readers, wait a few more years before attacking us and just throw actual exercise equipment at our soldiers, they will have no idea what it is and run away frightened.
Now you feel awful for destroying the adorable Death Star.
My Last Name, One Half of a Constant Star Wars Joke
I will sucker punch whoever is first to call me “Red Leader.” Furthermore, you will be able to do that soon enough anyway, with Bioware’s new The Old Republic MMO. The company made several statements this week about their perception of the current MMO and its lack of a substantial storyline. As Nate’s review earlier this week made clear, current MMORPGs involve lots of running and questing and more running and some gold farming and more aimless running and, as Bioware harped on, not much in the way of a plot. The Old Republic MMO has already been said to have earned the prestigious title of EA’s largest budget ever, a sum that requires the gain to earn at least one million subscribers, though they are aiming for double. Unfortunately, the massively expensive game is still incomplete, and is not expected to release in 2010 with no date in 2011 announced. If this is too long to wait until your next Jedi fix, then you will be happy to know that LucasArts has announced Force Unleashed II will be released on October 26th of this year for the DS, PC, PS3, 360, and Wii. You will again be playing as Angsty McEmopants Starkiller, now looking for his long lost love, which is of no interest to the fanboys in comparison to the announcement that—wait for it—you can now dual wield lightsabers. If you need more to wank to, you can go to Unleashed2010.com to go take a load of Lucas in your mouth.
Not all nerd dreams are really that great.
M. Night Shamalama Just Shat Himself
Yes, I know that is not his name, and no, I do not care. The cinematic king of the twist would be thrilled to know that studies have linked the ability to control dreams to a person’s gaming ability. There is such a thing as the Games for Health Conference and it has been held in Boston for six years now, and the study was revealed there this week. Jayne Gachenbach first became interested in this in the early 90s when her son repeatedly kissed his Nintendo… weird ass kid. In 2006, she ran two different studies involving non-gamers and hardcore gamers, asking them to report the frequency of lucid dreams, dreams where you perceive the dream in a third-person sense. While the gamers did report a much higher frequency of lucid dreams, she did find that in both types of dreams, all participants were not able to control anything but themselves. Interestingly, she also tested the theory on nightmares and found that gamers often were able to minimize the feeling of being threatened, or even in some instances, completely reverse it so they became the threat in their dream. However, even Gachenbach acknowledges that this study was not done in a controlled environment like a sleep lab, relying instead of self-reported and potentially biased data. Even so, early results are being looked at as a possible way to treat the PTSD symptoms seen in war veterans with nightmares. By giving a video game, a sense of control over what is going on, perhaps games could help heal the mental battle wounds of our soldiers.
13 Comments | News | Tagged: Microsoft, Bioware, XBox, Project Natal, Wii Fit, Star Wars, Windows Mobile, Navy, DDR, The Old Republic MMO, Force Unleashed II, Games for Health Conference, lucid dreams, nightmares, PTSD | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.05.21
Why does Lightning look like a man? Did she finish her transformation into Cloud?
Squeenix Dominates ALL
I wish I could apologize for a large chunk of this week’s news being related to Square Enix… but that would not only require admitting that I am wrong (never!) but would also involve there being other worthy news this week. The corporate overlords released their financial numbers this week to find that a combination of brand loyalty and foolish curiosity brought Final Fantasy XIII to sell five-and-a-half million copies worldwide within four months of its release. Hopefully, they enjoy the money they somehow managed to make from the tunnel, as CEO Yoichi Wada has probably alienated those precious wallets with the statement that, just as FFXIII was to be PS3-exclusive but was not, Versus XIII most likely will also be on both 360 and PS3. The majority of players know that Tunnelfest was caused by the compression necessary to put the game on the 360′s non-BluRay discs, and the fear is that Versus XIII will become the same. But not to worry, rabid followers, there is hope that the executive demons are not entirely out for your money! Several trademarks have been registered recently for upcoming games for you to buy! Except there’s that part where most of them are the same as before. Tactics Ogre, Final Fantasy Legends, and what is anticipated to be a sequel to Final Fantasy Gaiden have all been registered, so enjoy your regurgitated old games. What is this integrity you speak of?
Authentic Black Ops Screen Shot
At Least We Expect News Bombardment from Activision
Because providing information assures money in their pockets! Call of Duty Black Ops was another game whose trailers and screen shots flooded the interwebs this week. The trailer that premiered on Tuesday has given us one clear confirmation: Modern Warfare was awesome, Xerox it a few times over and sell each one with a new name. But while Nodick is trying to milk Infinity Ward’s abandoned cow like a Farmville junkie, Treyarch still wanted to maintain some integrity of their own and revamped the engine used in World at War. They confirmed, as the original trailer made us all suspect, that the game spans decades, though it will primarily focus on the 1960s and ’70s Cold War battles. Treyarch also stresses that they are listening carefully to the wishes of their players; while no zombies have been confirmed or denied yet, they stated they have worked hard to fix the problem of weapons being too hard to use in World at War and too easy in Modern Warfare. The only question that has not been given a definitive answer is of multiplayer capabilities. It has been confirmed that the PC version will have dedicated servers, though not the console versions, stating that “dedicated servers will not solve every perceived error you think is lag” and would be too difficult to set up for consoles. If you needed a reminder, this new entry in the Call of Duty series will be released November 9th on the PC, PS3, 360, and Wii.
You knew I was going to find a loli with the Lancer Assault Rifle.
NOT an Evil Mastermind? Gasp!
Unless I am painfully oblivious to some shameful wrong they have committed, I am pretty certain that Epic Games is the least evil of the companies being reported on today. President Mike Capps said in a new interview that whether you love or hate social media games like Facebook, they are going to bring back the PC game. He states that people are becoming more conservative with their playing time, wanting a casual game to sit down and play for a short amount of time rather than something on a console where you will find yourself sucked in for hours. However, Epic is still wary to transition back to their former PC-loving ways, all because of assholes like Ginia and I that pirate everything. He does, however, have a good point: pirating of games did kill of several smaller companies and cause drastic alteration of business plans. Again, I would say sorry, but I am incapable. Ginia, you apologize, you bad pirate. Even so, Epic developer Cliff Bleszinski states that this could be a good thing, as he personally would like to move away from the standard genre of Epic. As he puts it, he wants to work on a game that “has absolutely no space marine characters in it.” For your next dose of space marines, Epic’s Bulletstorm will be coming out later this year, with Gears of War returning for a third time in April 2011.
Panties! (Metal leg and mental depravity not included.)
Because You Demanded More Boobs
Britain provided boobs! Not Japan, I know, what is the world coming to? The Bedtime Flirt company in the U.K. revealed this week a new line-up in their lingerie collection, inspired by the characters of No More Heroes. Because you really wanted your girlfriend to dress as an amputee and come in the bedroom with a katana? Or better yet, a bloody baseball bat? There is no indication that this is licensed or approved of by Ubisoft, so I would not be surprised to see it removed soon… so order your kink wear soon! Perverts.
7 Comments | News | Tagged: PS3, XBox 360, Square Enix, Final Fantasy XIII, Boobs, PC Gaming, No More Heroes, Epic Games, Activision, Facebook, Call of Duty: Black Ops, Treyarch, Final Fantasy Versus XIII, Tactics Ogre, Final Fantasy Legends, Farmville, lingerie | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.05.14
Because CoD does not want to die just yet.
Suddenly, Call of Duty, Hundreds of Them!
This has been an insane week for Call of Duty news! First, in the interest of actual journalism, let us begin with what we know. It has been confirmed that CoD Black Ops will take players all over the Cold War era world, including Vietnam, the Russian mountains, and Laotion underground. It has also been confirmed that you will be playing as a member of an unconventional secret force of the CIA called Task Force 141 Studies and Operations Group (SOG). New weapons include a crossbow, the M202 rocket launcher, and an incendiary shotgun, and developer Treyarch has also revealed they will be bringing back vehicles, including a helicopter fight. They have also promised a co-op mode and full character customization, which brings us to this week’s rumor mill. With Activision’s acquisition of Bungie, the masses have cried “Modern Warfare 3!” like banshees in the night. However, Bungie has previously stated that they have no interest in the Call of Duty series, and considering the recent fallout of Infinity Ward, can you really blame them? Instead, Bungie is concentrating on their new IP, which Activision has already ensnared with a ten-year contract, which they say could outshine their Halo series. But do not fret over this loss, as another rumor floating about states that Raven Software, developer of such games as Soldier of Fortune, is potentially developing the next CoD game. Not much else is known to substantiate this, but as Infinity Ward continues to drop off like flies, you can expect that next week will bring us more news from the seeds of Activision dissent.
Hit her again, she clearly enjoys it.
Animu Hits Hard Times
Times are tough for North American anime and manga publishers with not one, but two publishers seeing significant changes recently. Viz Media, publisher of Bleach, Naruto, Dragon Ball, and almost any other popular manga, laid off sixty employees this week after having already put an unknown number of employees out of work in February of this year. The publisher stresses that this will not affect production of their fans’ favorite manga, but one of the biggest questions here is the stress on ‘favorite.’ Whether or not less popular titles will be cut is yet to be seen. Similarly, the 4Kids Entertainment group, known for bringing Pokemon and blatant censorship to the States, has also taken a big hit, seeing profits decrease so badly that the New York Stock Exchange has begun the process of delisting them. The company did state that a third party was looking to acquire the group for more than their market value of US$15.6 million, but did not reveal the name of their potential new owner.
Nightmare Mode Redefined
Square’s Trail of Disappointment
Now that you have scrubbed yourself clean from that dirty, tainted feeling left behind from playing Final Fantasy XIII, you are probably hoping that Square has learned that no means no and not to touch you in your sensitive place again. How wrong you are! Coming back to violate you some more is Final Fantasy XIV, their attempt at getting more money from the previous players of XI. The beta for the upcoming MMO released in March, and in that time, some naughty videos began popping up on YouTube showcasing the horribly lackluster battles. Rather than taking it as a hint to improve their system, Squeenix concentrated efforts on getting these videos removed, forgetting the golden rule of the internet that once something hits, you will never scrub the tubes clean of it. The viewer must take into consideration that this is only a beta, and therefore the battles have some excuse for being slow and uninteresting, but its a ‘dog ate my homework’ kind of pathetic excuse. The game is supposed to be due out later this year, which many gamers are saying is much too soon for a game that feels so hollow.
Or you could sit on your iPhone....most people seem to drive with their ass anyway.
Because Cell Phones and Ice Cream Behind The Wheel Are Not Awful Enough
Assuming all of our readers are over sixteen years of age (if not, Grandpa Lusipurr dislikes your presence on his lawn, so leave), then we have all driven a car. Subsequently, we have all seen the god awful things that other people do while driving their cars. Between talking or texting while driving, eating food, applying make-up, or that lovely case in Florida of some lady shaving her cooch while behind the wheel, it is undeniable that there are far too many distractions behind the wheel. Key words: behind the wheel. So some genius decided to put it in front of the wheel! Cisco, the computer development company that essentially keeps the world running (no, not the man that made the Thong Song), has made what is essentially an iPad for your dashboard, fully customizable with various apps that the driver can tap as they go along. Of course, the developers admit that this is still years off from being on the production line, probably due to concerns of expense, though hopefully concerns of safety as well. However, if you do not give a shit about the other cars around you and would prefer to douche it up on the go, go buy a large American turd called the Chrysler C200 and plug your iPhone in. The newest marvel out of Detroit allows users to control the temperature of the car, lock the doors, change the music, and basically anything else you could want your car to do, all with a push of your iPhone. Just please, do it in your driveway, not while flying down the highway going 80 MPH like an ass.
10 Comments | News | Tagged: 4Kids, Activision, Bungie, Call of Duty, Call of Duty: Black Ops, cars, Cisco, Final Fantasy XIV, Infinity Ward, iPhone, Modern Warfare 3?, Raven Software, Square Enix, Treyarch, Viz Media | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.05.07
Booby Lady wants you to play her game! ...Perverts.
Yo Dawg, We Herd U Like Gaming, So We…
Yep, we put some games in your game so you can game while you game. Yet again this week, the Dutch astound and confuse the rest of the world, with the release of Game Seeds, a game where you create a game. A student from the Utrecht School of the Arts in the Netherlands created the card game with the goal of the player eventually collecting all the cards they need to have a complete storyline, such as hero, side-kick, villain, and other standard game staples. If this sounds too complicated for you, you probably have the attention span of a gnat, and would therefore love 5-Minute MMORPG. That is not a description, that is the name, and it is exactly as it sounds. While intended to be a parody of the big name MMOs (read: WoW), the Flash game gives users the experience of creating a character, picking up items, and killing other players like a standard MMO. You even get to learn about the vibrant history of Fiveminudoria in little tidbits of lore!
You better square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links!
With Great Games Comes Great Responsibility
If the rest of America, or the rest of the world for that matter, needed more proof that Florida should be torn from us and allowed to drown in the Atlantic, a high school in the southeastern state proved that its youth are morons. You would think that most people would recognize what a Game Boy is, and you know these text-fiend teens know what a cell phone is, but slap them together and add a few funny looking wires, and it is suddenly a bomb. Another student discovered the device and reported it, resulting in dismissal of the school, with several hypersensitive soccer moms keeping their retarded crotch-droppings home even the following day. Despite the presence of Siliconnoob, Australia has proven itself to be more worthy of praise in regards to criminals in the form of supernerd-superhero powers. International Free Comic Day, celebrated on the first Saturday of every May, brought many costumed characters to a business in Adelaide, including those who must have idolized one too many villains. A man attempted to steal a $160 X-Men Omnibus, but was taken down by none other than Spiderman. Some Jedi knights and the Flash also blocked the thief’s exit until the praised comic was extracted from the backpack, creating one hell of a scene for police when they arrived.
Air Force Legend Chuck Yeager had big bouncy tits and bunny ears, you did not know that?
Japan: Insanity is Becoming Predictable
If you enjoy making history nerds rage, there is new material for you to show them and watch their heads explode. The jet-pack loli series Strike Witches, which focuses on real international aerial forces but in the form of adorable girls, released a new spin-off series titled Witches of the Sphinx, and while its release this Thursday is nothing of notice in Japan, many are interested in their decision to release it in English at the same time. Also released this week were two interesting announcements from Gainax, the company that has brought us not one, but TWO gigantic naked female world-ending entities. Their creativity knows no bounds, as they have announced their next series… about two scantily-clad angels named Panty and Stocking. No really. If you needed further proof that Gainax lost all semblance of sense, simply look to the GT300 race tracks, where they have premiered the Neon Genesis Evangelion race car. Its a Toyota Corolla. Race car… econobox… do not think about this too hard, just dismiss it as Japanese insanity.
Now he will charge you double what Mama's restaurant does.
The Influence of Nodick Continues to Spread
Like a plague, I tell you! The latest company that has decided to really enjoy your money are the good people at Valve. If you are a fan of the Left 4 Dead series, you can now bring the sounds of barfing into your own home! For the ridiculous low, low price of $49.99, you can have your very own plush Boomer, complete with action vomit sounds. Because I know what I have always wanted to cuddle before bed was a morbidly obese man covered in oozing sores. If you have more delicious fanboy money to throw at Valve, you can also have a model of their other fat man, The Heavy from Team Fortress 2. As someone that goes to anime conventions regularly and sees the price people pay for figures of girls in bikinis, I am used to laughing my arse off at the financial depravity… but the $230 they want for the Heavy figure is flabbergasting. And there is even a $245 exclusive version! So here is hoping you all have lots of money that you do not really want anymore.
10 Comments | News | Tagged: Team Fortress 2, Game Boy, SiliconNooB, Left 4 Dead, Australia, Valve, money, wtf Japan, Strike Witches, Evangelion, Netherlands!, Game Seeds, 5-Minute MMORPG, WoW, Flash games, Florida, fucking idiots, Spiderman, Gainax, racing, Boomer, The Heavy | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.05.01
I could have put a picture of the pre-order hat... or I could put a picture of a penis on a chariot. Did you really think I would choose the former?
Return of the Penis Monster
Which penis monster? Its rather sad that there are so many that you need to ask. But the penis monster I am referring to is Mara, the chariot-riding cock from the Persona series. This week, a new pre-order bonus was announced for those looking to purchase the PSP version of the popular Persona 3 game, and it is… a hat. I have been told by Persona fans that this is fantastic news, I hope you enjoy your mediocre Junpei cosplay? For those Persona 3 fans wondering why they should waste the money buying a game they have already played on their PS2, many changes have been made to the PSP version, the biggest of which being the gender of the main protagonist. He was rather quite and effeminate before, so now they have decided to simply make him a woman instead. This does alter other aspects of the game as well, but with the addition of battle elements from Persona 4, new music, and your precious hat, it definitely seems worth picking up when it releases on July 6th for North American markets. But do not despair over the loss of your wimpy man character, because new information was released this week about Persona 5. The latest issue of Dengeki magazine has revealed that they are working on a new game, and the main character will be slightly introverted, with a slouch and hair covering one of his eyes. Seeing as the new game will also include Aegis, I think its safe for us all to assume that Atlus has stopped caring and begun following the Nodick-method of taking all your money. Except that part where I lied; sorry everyone, but it turns out the reports were based on a mistranslation of Dengeki and were talking about P3P, not P5. I accidentally the English. Thanks to Darth Gibblet for correcting my mistake.
This is not art, some irrelevant old fat moron said so.
Rejecting Your Reality and Substituting a Treadmill
The realm of virtual reality, despite being the biggest 90′s movie cliche ever, is still being developed today in 2010, and a team of developers has made a rather large leap in this field. One of the drawbacks of VR technology has always been the need to real-world space; for example, if you walk forward, the device on your head will show you walking through a field of flowers, but since you are already required to physically walk forward in space, why not just walk through real flowers? A team of German and Italian researchers have unleashed a new device upon the world, that is essentially a five-square-meter-long treadmill, that will adjust its speed and direction to the actions of the user, doing its best to keep the user in the center of the square. While it sounds quite simple (video can be viewed here), the ramifications for it are amazing. Just imagine, where you can put on a helmet and get on your omni-dimensional treadmill, and play a game of World of Warcraft or Modern Warfare simply by controlling the motions yourself. Of course, something this lofty is surely years away, but the development possibilities are far-reaching. In similar dimensional reality based news, we have a follow-up to our Featured story of last week’s podcast: Roger Ebert opened his half-of-a-mouth again! If you would like to read a stream of unadulterated bullshit about how 3D is, like video games, not art, then by all means, check our his Newsweek article here and feel free to discuss in the comments, I look forward to reading many quips about his lack of a face.
Silly manga, iPads are not used for reading! Who reads anymore?
Make Your Own iDoujin (Tentacles Not Included)
If you are an aspiring mangaka, you better get your ass over to Circle.ms and hope you can read some moonspeak Japanese, because from now until June 6th, you can sign up to be a beta tester for an awesome new iPhone/iPad application. The application will allow manga artists to recreate their works as a e-book for the i-Devices, complete with page-turning, bookmarks, magnification, and rotation compatibility. For an example, the Maid no Tamago (The Maid’s Egg) manga is available for download now as an e-book in both Japanese and North American markets. A similar company, Tinami, also has a doujin application for the i-Devices. However, as reported in a previous news story, many manga companies, like Viz and Tokyo Pop, are doing their best to crack down on unauthorized reproductions of their materials, so the question arises: how long before Circle.ms has to start waging ban-hammer war against those who use their application to upload other companies’ manga?
There may or may not have been a loli battle machine in the trailer, it was too fast to tell.
Black Ops, Because Modern Warfare Was Whiter Than Lusipurr
Do you like being horribly, horribly confused and left with a vaguely unsatisfied feeling? Then go have sex with any of our staff members. Or, the slightly more enjoyable option, go watch the Call of Duty Black Ops trailer that was revealed late last night. While rather pretty and full of explosions, it confirms basically nothing about the actual game, except its location… though even that is a toss up between Vietnam, South America, or the swamps of Florida. The far more interesting location is the lab shown multiple times through the trailer, in which a doctor or maybe a mad scientist talks about bringing the memories back and how much it hurts before the viewer flat-lines. Kotaku and their magical screenshot capabilities bring an interesting aspect to this: the dates in the lab appear to say 2010. Unless this is like Jenova’s Made-in-1997 helmet easter egg, then the game is spanning at least forty years from Vietnam to present day. Does this mean we are going to see a CoD Old Snake? The game is not yet available for pre-order, but its current release date is set for November 9th, because Bobby Nodick likes your holiday money.
9 Comments | News | Tagged: PSP, PS2, Persona 3, Persona 4, Atlus, Call of Duty, iPhone, iPad, Persona 5, Art, Roger Ebert, apps, manga, pre-orders, HAT, 3D, virtual reality, DOING SCIENCE, doujin, Call of Duty: Black Ops | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.04.24
Asuka is just pissed she does not have Yoko's huge knockers.
Drop Your Pants and Grab Your iPhone
Fans of the anime series Gurren Lagann and Evangelion will be thrilled to know that now you can take your 2d dream girls with you wherever you go. On Wednesday, a new application was offered not only to Japanese users, but those in the U.S. as well, allowing you to take the busty Yoko and the docile Rei wherever you go. The Yoko application will have the curvaceous teen say various phrases throughout the day and allow contacts to be managed with character icons, while the Rei application will weather forecasts to the user, with special tidbits of information about Hakone City, the real-life model for the fictional Tokyo-3. But what if you are a fan that could care less about Eva or TTGL? Then you can be a pirate! Another lovely app released for the U.S. iPhone market this week is sure to cause quite a shitstorm, as it gives the user access to hundreds of unauthorized, translated scans from a variety of manga. Android has a similar application, but one of the primary differences between this and the iPhone application is the licensing conflicts; ‘scanlations’ are not uncommon, but many of the manga available are already licensed by North American companies. Viz Media and Yen Press already armed themselves with lawyers and prompted the application to remove titles licensed by these developers, but many others are still left to be read.
The LawL is srs bzns. Srsly.
The Governator’s War on Games in Limbo
The United States Supreme Court will be deciding this week on a case that we discussed in previous weeks… no, not the man with the loli hentai. I am talking about a case that began back in 2005 will California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed into law a bill that would fine companies $1000 for selling violent video games to minors. The Entertainment Software Association was able to get this law blocked for being a violation of 1st Amendment rights, a decision that the courts unanimously upheld. But, last May, the State of California petitioned this decision once more, insisting that certain games of no “serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value for minors” were detrimental and harmful, while the ESA countered that many equally mindless movies, even some starring the Governator, were available to minors. If the Supreme Court denies the case altogether, the original ruling against the fine would still stand. However, if the Court decides to humor California and hear the case, both sides will argue their points, while the conservative soccer moms of America wait with bated breath to see if they will legally have someone else to blame for their brat being a pain in the ass.
And all the "Old Snake needs Viagra" jokes go out the window.
Sending Grandpa…to the Netherlands!
If the Dutch have their way, you soon will be enraged to find that the sniper capping your ass is your grandmother. A study released this week shows that video games are great learning tools to enhance mental reflexes and responsiveness, with Assistant Professor at Leiden University’s Dr. Lorenza Colzato even suggesting that parents embrace games that teach their children how to make the red mist. Her argument is that in our fast-paced world, where multitasking is not just common but critical and essential for success, video games could be just the thing needed to improve the necessary mental flexibility. She also suggests that video games even be used in nursing homes, and with good reason. The correlation between idle time and mental deterioration has been proven by many other studies over the years, and while video games aren’t much more physical than simply watching TV, the mental gymnastics provided by a round of Call of Duty will still exercise the elderly mind more than watching another round of Wheel of Fortune.
Please, Gordon Freeman, save us all!
Centipedes? On my interbutts?
Two vastly different stories this week, both involving the world on online gaming. First, as we reported almost two weeks ago, Microsoft has shut down the original XBox Live servers as of April 15th. Today is the 25th, ten days later… and some losers are still on it. When the original servers were shut off, apparently they were only shut off from people ever logging back on them, it did not kick off any players that were still online. Friday had twenty-seven users left online, while today only seventeen remain, all of them playing the titular bro-du-jour game, Halo 2. They have vowed to stay on until either their XBox refuses to keep going, or Microsoft finally gives them the boot. Only in America will you find such losers… and unfortunately, we are stuck with them! If you are excited to play the upcoming Starcraft II, hopefully you can tolerate whatever morons populate your country, as Blizzard has decided that it will be isolating players to their own regions of the world. Suck though this may, the reason is one of practicality: would you rather play a smooth functional game with your countrymen, or a laggy glitchy game with the Asian players that will kick your ass anyway? They have said that this will probably only be temporary, as they want to ensure server capabilities first, then will most likely offer a patch that will open up you up to the world. Then you can have all the Asian power-levelers kick your ass all you like, enjoy!
4 Comments | News | Tagged: apps, California, Evangelion, Gurren Lagann, Halo 2, iPhone, losers, manga, mental gymnastics, Netherlands!, Starcraft II, studies, Supreme Court, video game law, XBox Live | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.04.17
It was either this, or Kim Jong-Il as an Evangelion character, but I thought Shawn would enjoy Pikachu missiles.
Korea Say MM-No! to Several MMOs
If you are a loli in South Korea, why are you reading this site? Get the fuck out of here. But if you are not an underaged Korean, then you should either laugh at them or pity them, for their government is cracking down on one of the most evil activities known to man: MMORPGs. As the number of school-aged children with “game addictions” continues to increase, players registered as underage will now have two penalties imposed upon them for their overnight gaming. First, nineteen different games will incorporate a fatigue system, where after the player has been signed on for a lengthy amount of time, the percentage of drops or other stats will decrease. Second, players will be forced to choose a six-hour blackout period in which they will not be allowed to log in at all. After the story a few weeks ago about a pair of Korean parents neglecting their real child to an early death by starvation because of their MMO habit, I can see the concern that the government might have, but one thought continues to persist in my mind: if you cut away the game for six hours, that is just six hours the child will spend utilizing their online addiction to discover the wonders of porn. So Korea, what is more harmful, kids with insane stats or kids watching dirty movies?
Pirates Fighting Pirates! This battle looks particularly homosexual...
Porn Pirates Punked into Paying
If you are a fan of dirty video games that involve touching people in their no-no places, you are awful. If you are a fan of downloading these games illegally, it may soon bite you in the ass. Japanese P2P networks have recently been hit with a series of erotic visual novels infected with a virus, and many users including a shamed middle-school principal, have been hit with it. Once the game is installed on the user’s computer, the virus takes over and prompts the user for some personal information, then takes a screen capture of their desktop. The personal information and the picture of your dirty habit are then posted on the internet for all to see, as well as a curious offer: fill out this form and we will remove your information. When the form’s response arrives in your inbox, the user is prompted to pay a fee to take care of their copyright infringement charges, though the money never actually reaches the publishers, just the clever scammer that developed the virus. The scammer was eventually identified and, to the shock of many, shown to be a pirate just like them. Needless to say, it was not long after that he shut the site down voluntarily.
Because we did not already know that Microsoft was pure evil.
Microsoft Slave Drivers…No Really, There Are Slaves
If you are using a mouse made by Microsoft, you support Chinese enslavement! Hooray! It has recently been found at a factory operated by KYE to produce Microsoft mice, hundreds of teenagers have been employed under sweatshop conditions for appallingly dismal pay. For fifty-two cents an hour, employees work fifteen hour shifts in sweltering temperatures with no talking, eating, or bathroom breaks. When they are allowed to leave the assembly line, the workers share dorm rooms in groups of fourteen sleeping on narrow bunk-beds. The food is reportedly awful, and bathing consists of a quick sponge bath with a bucket of warm water. Labor laws are routinely broken, as well as Microsoft ethics laws, and with the pictures released of the conditions, it is certain Microsoft will be doing an amusing act to unfuck themselves from this travesty.
The most work-safe picture available, and I am pretty sure it is Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear.
Cataracts Are Not Sexy
If you are blind, you have masturbated too much, sorry for your loss. While I am an asshole and will laugh at you, another company out their mourns your visual impairment and wants to give you more masturbatory aids! The book “Tactile Mind” is printed on plastic and is a combination of both braille and…certain raised drawings. Apparently the world of braille pornography is far wider than one would expect, but there are very few books that provide actual illustrations of erotica. Unfortunately, one look at the pictures is rather disappointing. Rather than anything remotely sexy, they appear to be the creations of some LSD-snorting art student who wanted to create another dimension, where women’s heads are square and men have elephant trunks… on their faces, you perverts. So if you are blind or at all interested in fail-tastic art porn, you can buy “Tactile Mind” for the low price of $225. I will be over here looking at Georgia O’Keefe vagina-flowers for free.
4 Comments | News | Tagged: ban-hammer, blindness, eroge, hentai, Korea, Microsoft, MMORPGs, pirates, porn, scams, sweat shops, viruses | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.04.10
Product Placement 101 with Old Snake and Lady Gaga! First lesson: abandon all shame.
Billy Mays Will Do The Commercials For Metal Gear Solid
Or he should, given all the other product placement given in the upcoming Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker game. To those that played MGS4, they may remember the Regain drinks, Assassin’s Creed, and the Apple iPod, but the new level of corporate whoring is simply staggering. Doritos, Axe, Mountain Dew, Monster Hunter, and Front Mission are all confirmed examples of product placement in the upcoming installment to the series, leaving many wondering when Hideo Kojima became Lady Gaga. His explanation was just as wacky, saying that the tie-ins were made to surprise the players. He stated that he’d stop doing it when it loses its freshness, but most fans assume that is code for when the products stop paying. But the ridiculous did not stop there, though that much is not surprising for Kojima. At the Peace Walker press event in Tokyo, the Metal Gear creator said that he has high hopes for gamer independence from consoles. While the president of Sony Computer Entertainment Japan was less than pleased about it, Kojima went on to say that “gamers should be able to take the experience … wherever they are and whenever they want to play. It should be the same software and same experience.” This was already somewhat accomplished on the PSP with the ability to upload old NES, SNES, and PSX ROMs, but presumably Kojima’s hopes are for one overarching gaming unit. So what do you think; would you and all of your friend have one universal system, or is variety the spice of life?
Shawn 'Lusipurr' Cooper + Rap Music = WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!
You Don’t Play Around With The Funky Cold Medina
Guitar Hero was awesome when it first came out. Then Rock Band followed, and while some of the novelty had worn off, it was still fun. Then came the SingStar series, which made us all realize that karaoke is one of the many things we really should give back to Japan. Then DJ Hero came out, which flopped like a fat kid at a pool. Now, Konami is attempting to move to a different genre, one that hasn’t been touched with any success since PaRappa in 1996: rap music. While Lusipurr will clearly jump down my throat to yell that it isn’t music, the genre has been well established for about as long as his pasty white behind has been alive, and many in the gaming community feel it is time. It has been tried before and failed due to the overblown egos of rappers (I am looking at you, 50 Cent and T.I.) but Konami is hoping that they will be able to produce something better. However, the concern is something that anyone with any music education or basic listening skills will be quick to notice: the music used and even sometimes the lyrics are very repetitive in terms of tone, structure, color, and other components. This would lead to the player basically doing the same thing over and over and over for three to five minutes straight, and as a few pseudo-rap songs on Rock Band demonstrate (Beastie Boys, anyone?), the lyrics themselves don’t matter. Just ask this white girl that mumbled her way through the entire song and got a perfect score. Even so, I’m interested in seeing a hip-hop based music game hit the shelves, how about you? …Not you, Lusipurr, you sit in your corner and continue patiently waiting for Bach Band.
This is pathetic in real life, why the hell would anyone put their virtual avatar in the same situation?
Probably Not For Sadistic Bitches Like Ginia
If you are like our resident midget and enjoy playing the Sims, you will be pleased to know that you soon may have the ability to put actual people in a house with no toilets or beds so you can watch them collapse in their own fecal matter. The possibly-demented Will Wright is in talks to produce a show called ‘The Creation Project,’ where viewers would write original story with the StoryMaker Engine application, then vote on which storyline is the best. This storyline would then be used and broadcast as two half-hour episodes, possibly on Current TV. The project is still in the baby stage and could potentially undergo massive changes, but rumors are stating that it will be seen before the end of 2010. Would you watch a live-action version of your Sims games?
Clearly she knows how the fuck babby was formed.
Prepare to Shit Yourself a Third Time!
For those that played the original F.E.A.R., you are much stronger than I. For those that played the second one, I really need to know how babby is formed. Hopefully one of you can answer that for me soon, because this fall will bring us another installment in the series. While the original developer, Monolith, is no longer in the picture, their replacements aren’t exactly new to the table either. Day One Studios, develop of MechAssault, will be taking the helm, with help from famed Halloween director John Carpenter and 30 Days of Night writer John Niles. And yes, Alma will be returning, so go buy some ectoplasm-resistant condoms.
15 Comments | News | Tagged: Konami, Hideo Kojima, DJ Hero, Rock Band, Guitar Hero, Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker, rap music, television, product placement, corporate whores, PaRappa the Rapper, SingStar, Sims, Will Wright, Reality Television will kill us all, F.E.A.R., Lady Gaga | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
2010.04.03
Somehow, this is not female. What the fuck.
Not Afferentus, But Close Enough
In this week’s edition of ‘SquareEnix Being Douchebags,’ they averted the idea of an FFVII remake and the silly notion of new content by announcing that Final Fantasy IX will be the next title to see re-release on PSN. While it is not held in such a ridiculously high regard as VII, CEO Yoichi Wada stated in a Twitter video that Final Fantasy IX will be released soon, though the six-second video gives no indication to price or a release date. But what if you are a faithful Squeenix sheep that cares not about their old games? Then you will be pleased to know that the official website for Final Fantasy XIV has now added more information to their races…except not really. Like many other games, the races will be divided into the standard pairings of opposites; for example, the elven Elezen class with be divided into… come on, everyone here knows what you divide elves into. There are light elves and dark elves! Way to be creative, SquareEnix.
Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan.
More of My Predictions Coming True!
Not that I really want to be correct about any of the insane things Japan does. It was reported Monday that the Japanese government is working with the private sector to spread the influence of anime, manga, and music across the world. The project is costing the Japanese government a staggering ten billion yen now, but the hope is to increase the island nation’s foreign revenue from a measly one trillion yen per year to the ridiculous two-and-a-half trillion per year by 2020. In addition, they will also be offering tax breaks to foreign film industries, which has proven effective in cities like Chicago and Baltimore to bring in big money.
How does I interbutts?
We Heard You Like The Internet, So We Put Some Internet in Your Internet
So you can browse while you game, or so says Nintendo. In what may be the strangest crossover of all time, Nintendo has partnered up with Google to create the upcoming Wii game, And-Kensaku. So you are asking, what do you do in And-Kensaku? You search for things! Apparently the point of the game is to make the user guess what the ranking of certain search terms will be; for example, we can all guess that ‘sexy women’ would be a much more frequently search term that ‘sexy Lusipurr.’ …Ugh, my fingers feel dirty just typing those two words together. And I am not the only one who find the internet filthy, as apparently Microsoft agrees. Product management director Aaron Greenberg said this week that the XBox 360 would not be getting any kind of internet browser, stating that attempting to use the web on a television is just too cumbersome. So if you want to internet while you internet, either stick to your PS3 or your computer.
I tried looking up a picture of Japanese school girls and found nothing but porn, so have a puppy instead!
Follow-Up Story
Last weekend, I wrote about a study done by an Indiana University professor about the effectiveness of replacing traditional grading systems with a video game inspired level system. This week, Julian Gough of Prospect Magazine in Britain, took it a step further by suggesting that we get rid of schools altogether in favor of video games. While this may sound crazy, one needs to look at the history of the current education system. It began in the 1700s, when beating a child for not doing his homework was acceptable. Now, teachers trying to give a child encouragement by giving them a hug will be sued into next week. So how did we learn before the institutionalization of public education? Through, you guessed it, playing. Through interacting with our environment, we learned how things worked, and how we could use them to our benefit and enjoyment, and if there was a potential danger to it, we take our collective learnings and figure out how to avoid it. Video games are no different; we learn that shooting at people gives us points and being shot at takes them away, so we do our best to shoot without being shot. The lesson learned here: either video games or shotguns in schools.
Coming Soon: Live Falcon Punch Experience!
Speaking of Shotgun Blasts…
The Sony Move is a snoozefest in comparison to what a student at the University of Pennsylvania came up with. Engineering student Saurabh Palan created what he calls the Tactile Gaming Vest, or TGV, which simulates the sensations felt by the character. Assigned to him as a class project, Palan was not able to completely finish his prototype in time for the Engineering school’s expo, but he was able to accomplish three things with his vest: gunshots, slashing, and blood flow. If the character on screen is shot with a gun or slashed by a zombie, the motors inside the vest will react to the stimulus, giving the user the sensation of being shot or slashed. The blood flow simulation was not as successful, but Palan clearly is on to something here. Would you buy a vest that lets you actually feel what your character does? And, pulling from the previous story, do you think feeling the gunshot would further motivate you to play better?
18 Comments | News | Tagged: And-Kensaku, Final Fantasy IX, Final Fantasy XIV, google, internet, Microsoft, Nintendo, Prospect Magazine, school, Square Enix, Tactile Gaming Vest, wtf Japan, XBox 360 | Permalink
Posted by Jenifer
Lusipurr
Bup
Ginia
Lane
Jenifer
SiliconNooB