What a pig!

Conan the mighty pig

This is a platformer about a pig named Conan. Conan wants to find truffles and other treats that help him gain powers to defeat his enemies. Who cares? There is nothing special about this game. It looks like crap and I would be willing to bet it plays like crap.See, this is the thing with Steam Greenlight: crappy games with nothing special mentioned. The point of Greenlight is to tell people WHY they should vote for your game. This game looks like every other mediocre platformer ever. More so, this game is an extension of a free flash game. Why would I want to pay money for this if I can already get it for free? Especially since the description does not detail what is different in this paid version. Tell me why this is worth my time, even though it most likely is not.

Best Comment: Dragon: “This looks really bad. The 3D doesn’t match the 2D. The pace is far too slow. The characters look like melted plastic and the music is depressing.”

Stupid anime crap.

Don’t Forget Our eSports Dream

Gamers are idiots. They will spend their money on so much crap. This is just another crappy, anime dating sim, but this one is about an eSports team. Yes, a team of very attractive people playing videogames professionally. Sounds just like real life, right? I mean, it must be since the game’s description boasts “an authentic story that is both true to eSports fans and relatable to a general audience.” Oh, and that spelling error is not a mistake on my part. That line was copied straight from the Greenlight page. This game lives in a fantasy world that eSports is like 50 times bigger than it actually is. Nobody cares about eSports. I would say nobody cares about this game, but it some how already has close to $25,000 raised on Kickstarter. Gamers are idiots.

Best Comment: A Barking Dog: “i walked across my apartment to get my phone to put in my steam guard code so that i could log in and vote no on this dumpster fire.”

A generic dragon attacks a generic castle.

Dragon Souls

First off, I cannot wait for this game to be taken down for having a title too similar to Dark Souls. That is inevitable. In the meantime we can make fun of how stupid this looks. I remember when this idea was first attempted on the PS3. The game was called Lair and it was crap then. Wait, this game allows you to play as different types of dragons: black, red, green, and blue! Wow, so amazing! The developer could not even think of fake dragon species for this game. The dragons do not even have unique skill sets or abilities that differ between the colors. The colors are the only difference between them. This has to be one of the laziest games ever submitted to Greenlight. Somehow the developer thinks more than one person will ever want to play this game and the inclusion of a multiplayer mode is justified. It is not. Nobody will play this crap.

Best Comment: [FR] Potato HunterZ: “waaa.”

I guess people had pointy heads in the 80’s?

It’s Time to Stop

I cannot even think of what to say about this one. I think just making fun of the description might help. “Do you like the 80’s ? Because they are back again with ‘It’s Time to Stop’…” What? What does this even mean? Looking at the screenshots the “80’s” means graphics from Half-Life 1, some weird colors covering the screen, and a kid with a bunch of pimples. The 80’s! “…a time travel adventure with a real american who needs to find all his beers…” Haha, get it! Because us Americans LOVE beer! And we are all fat and lazy. “…to kill the evil doctor who wants to transform everybody into flashy clothes!” Why is this a bad thing? Everyone likes to flash it up every once in a while! “Will you stop his evils plans?” Nope. “Vote for us now and find out!” Heck, no! That helped. Now I know how to really describe this game: Like, oh my God! Gag me with a spoon!

Best Comment: Ravachol: “It’s time to stop flooding Greenlight.”

Please give us a screenshot where we can see what is happening.

Wet Days

See, this game actually gives us something to work with. This is a game about someone who sweats a lot. No joke. The trials and tribulations of someone who needs a more high power deodorant. “Wet Day is free to play game shows how social anxiety and hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) can make our simple life tasks complicated and aims to put spotlight on social anxiety patients and raise people awareness.” Seriously, man? Is this really something that needs a cause? Just take more showers, ya dingus! “wet day will features:” Ugh. Just ugh. “* complex simulation of social anxiety experience.” Yeah, sure. Whatever you say! “* non-linear gameplay: your choices plays important rule and can affect the final results.” I hope the final result is that the developer realizes how he is a big idiot. “*dynamic world and replay value: each gameplay is unique.” Uniquely stupid. Owned. “* immersive experience: thanks to unreal engine 4 who provided us a powerful tools to create high fidelity, handcrafted and well detailed game world with UHD resolution support.” There is no way any of this is true. “* inventory and dialogue systems.” Yes, an inventory to hold all your sticks of deodorant and a dialogue system in which to buy them. “* competitive leaderboard: lets you compare your score with your friends and other players.” I do not even want to admit to my friends that I have even heard of this game.

Best Comment: 2_CRAZY: “the logo and the trailer are low quailty. i expect the same amount from your game.”

Is he… is he peeing on the enemy?

Draxel

Just pure shit.

Best Comment: JummpingJim: “I can’t believe my eyes! I’m sure I programmed something like this years ago on my ZX Spectrum….. Give this a miss thanks, if you want to create a RPG, start with today’s technology and not some lame rubbish.”

I usually try to find ACTUAL screenshots for these games, but this one was too good to ignore.

The Survivor

Hey, everyone! Are you ready for the next big open-world, survival/crafting game? Well, this sure as heck is not the next big thing! This game does nothing special, so it really should not exist in the first place. Just read the game’s description: “Your first goal is to survive at all costs. To succeed, you will need to quickly find what you need.” Wow, such detail! This really makes me… just want to play either Rust, Minecraft, or DayZ. Note to this developer: if you are going to essentially copy other more popular franchises, at least do something special. Why would we buy your game that is exactly like these other ones that 90% of gamers already own? Wow, and check out that audio-less video! And those screenshots of “Brush and Tree,” “Ore and Stone,” and “Construction!” It is almost as if the screenshots look exactly like every other game in this genre! STEAM GREENLIGHT!

Best Comment: 2_CRAZY: “you can play this right now just turn zombies off in 7 days to die and bam the same game”

More like Tales of What is Even Happening Here?

Tales of Destruction

“Tales of Destruction is a new First person Survival Shooter game on Greenlight. TOD has 5 maps, where the players whom are portrayed as solders will have to find the respective treasure without getting killed.” There is so much one could say about this sentence alone. 1. This is already on Steam Greenlight, so we can assume it is new. You do not have to tell us. 2. Why are you showcasing that it has five maps? That is the size of one map pack from Call of Duty. Not the entire game. A single, downloadable optional map pack. 3. So, are they ACTUAL soldiers (notice I spelled it right. Spell check is you friend, future Steam Greenlight developers), or are they just people pretending to be soldiers? Like those guys who go to airsoft fields every weekend because they were too fat or scared for real military work? 4. What treasure? Why is there treasure? Is this a remake of Ducktales? Please, do not change the Moon level theme too much. 5. Oh, we do NOT want to be killed. I get it now. That is totally different from every other multiplayer FPS. NOT! (I’m bringing this back.)

Best Comment: haha cool: “dude, work on the intro, it doesn’t look fun at all, and some people judge the game just by the box, or in this case, intro”

Warzone Screenshot

WARZONE

Yep, another crappy FPS on Steam Greenlight. Wait, unless this brings something new to the table? Nope, it does not. Just see for yourself: “It’s about a unique world…” NOPE! “…different rules…” NUH UH! “…and a different style!” No sir! “The main idea is that all players enjoy their time without having any weapon at the start of the game …” The developer even includes his own ellipsis here. Almost as if he or she typed this, paused to realize it is all a lie, and then continued with the BS. “…but everything will change once you hear the alarm …” Again, another ellipsis. Again realizing this is a mistake. “8 players go through 4 gates !!” For what? Why? You keep saying this is “unique,” but you have not shown us anything unique. You need to explain your game! …”just make sure to get your guns before the enemy does.” Yes, this is not new or unique. This has been the standard for most FPS multiplayer games since the mid-90s. Stop posting this crap on Greenlight!

Best Comment: HellBox: “hm , look graphic terible. but i vote yes.”

Yes, great UI here!

Monstrous Lovers

This is some piece of crap anime love novel. Wow, great another one! Who cares? Oh, you get to date anime monsters? Wow! I still do not care. NEXT!

Best Comment: Bluegoblin: “fuck off whith visual novels”

What.

Freedom Defender

Defend THIS: points to butt.

Best Comment: ChaoticPesme [FR]: “Some subpar tower defense game that should be on kongragate or itch.io.”

Makes snese.

Beerman

Crap. Just crap.

Best Comment: Slick as Heck: “what the actual fuck is this”

Sick ramp, bro!

Vroomist

It would not be a Greenlight Round-Up without some dumb-looking car game. Apparently this is some kind of puzzle RPG with cars, which is an interesting concept on its own, but since this is Steam Greenlight it will end up as a huge pile of trash. The RPG elements I get, but I am not sure how one makes a puzzle game with cars. Oh, right: this is Greenlight, so nobody will play it in the first place. My favorite line of the description is this: “Your cars will be leveled up with better gear, tires, engines, Vroom! (I will post more about what Vroom is in the future).” No, how about you explain it NOW. You know, one usually wants to add as much information as possible when trying to “sell” the game. The whole description reads like some corporate execs plan to save his butt, meaning there are a lot of promises but no real content. Nothing the developer promises is showcased in the trailer. The video just shows a generic, blue truck driving around a very small city and smashing into stuff. Wow, makes me really want to play this game!

Best Comment: Knights: “I love how you show nothing that you put in the description in game modes… Just another game test that’s never going to be finished but hey, why not slap it on greenlight!”

All hail the floating hand!

Hy Jack Unhandled

Wow, I am not even sure where to start with this one: crappy graphics, the player seems to control a floating hand, and the story is bonkers. In this game the player controls “Monterey Jack,” an ex-criminal who has come back from the dead to take down the criminal syndicate that killed his parents. Yes, the character’s name is both a type of cheese and a character from a Disney cartoon, but he did change it to “Hy Jack” upon his resurrection. Only slightly less stupid. Oh, and Jack also has some sort of superpowers due to his exposure to radiation as a child. Yes, this game makes zero sense. Honestly, I am not even sure what is supposed to happen in this game. It seems to be more of a physics simulator than a game. The trailer attached to the Greenlight description even says none of its footage is in game. Why even show it off, then? Why is there a floating, disconnected hand as a controller? Why is the Greenlight picture some busty anime babes? Why does this game even exits?

Best Comment: cylemmulo: “This looks terrible. Like something you would find for free and be like, ‘oh this is why it’s free.'”

Oh, you want to actually SEE your game? Too bad!

Black Willow

This game looks so bad that I do not even want to write about it. In fact, let us just check out the game’s description and make fun of that instead: “Black Willow tells the story of two students who getting abducted…” Oh, so the game is about the process in which these two people are abducted. Interesting. “…by a demonic sect.” *Sex. You spelled “sex” wrong, bro! “The game is an FPS which has a focus on running away from the enemies.” I would rather run away from this game. “The cutscenes are videos with real people.” Oh great, FMV games are coming back. Those totally and 100% worked in the mid-90s. Yes, those did not get boring, dull, and stupid fast. Idiot. “German language with english subtitles.” Even Germany would not play this game.

Best Comment: TAPbagan: “No thanks….”

Pictured here is Lusipurr himself with a Fable box on his shelf.

Lusipurr.com’s crack team of photoshop experts have investigated this picture and unanimously concluded that it is, in fact, real. However, there has been no confirmation that the leaked video is also real. There are many other questions the public needs answers to: who leaked the footage? Why was the footage leaked? Who recorded it in the first place? Why would Lusipurr lie to his fans for all these years about his hatred for Fable? We may never know the truth, but Lusipurr.com will update this article as more information is released.

1:15 P.M. EST UPDATE: Lusipur has released a statement about the leaked footage. We have included highlights from the statement below, but the release in its entirety can be read here.

An artist’s representation of what Lusipurr does during his time with Fable.

“I apologize to all my fans for lying to them for so many years. Yes, that was me playing Fable. I do not hate the series at all. In fact, I like it more than cricket. Any time I am not playing Fable I am thinking about what to do in my game next.”

Lusipurr then goes on to say why he was playing Fable instead of Fable 2: “Yes, I was playing the first game in the series, even though the second one is much better. Yes, the entire series IS crap, but at least I was not playing that crappy Kinect version, right?”

Lusipur’s confirmed Fable character.

The famed website owner offered to field any questions, but since this statement was given while he was alone in his room, there was nobody to respond. Due to public outcry and pressure, Lusipurr ended his statement by stepping down from his post and handing the website over to Nate “Bup” Liles. Liles immediately shut the site down and sold it to Kotaku.

Wow, STUNNING visuals!

Very Difficult Race

“In this game you have to reach the finish line.” As this is a racing game, that goes without saying. However, that is the only piece of information we are provided about this game. Does one really need to know more about a standard racing game? Probably not. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the release date is “Когда угодно.” I just marked it on my calendar, but I was not really sure where to put that, so I just wrote it on one of the kitten’s faces. Yes, I have a kitten calendar. It is the only link to something fun Lusipurr has ever provided me. I remember having a cat before being stuck in this dungeon. His name was “Sparklez” and he was beautiful. I can only hope he is still alive and found another loving family to take care of him in my absence. Will I even escape this hell and see him again? Only time will tell, but not if games like this pile of garbage keep getting released. #stopsteamgreenlightnow

Best Comment: Marfung: “Who needs 60 fps when playing a racing game? Clearly 6 fps will do.”

Why is she quoting reviews of this game?

Waifu High

As my loyal fans already know, I HATE anime. Well, not hate. That is a bit of a strong word. I strongly dislike most anime, but I really do hate anime dating sims like this one. I mean, just look at the “core gameplay” as described in the Greenlight entry: “Roleplay as a high school student and ‘romance’ with waifus, cats and humans.” Hold on. Sorry, I had to go puke. Maybe some of the key features will make this game seem better: “Animated 3D Main Characters using Live 2D.” Well, that does not even make sense. “Side-quests with a plethora of quirky characters.” I think this really means “boring, typical NPCs.” “Each main character’s narrative follows a different narrative genre.” Wow, I cannot wait until the Moby Dick anime comes out! “An in-depth stats system that changes the protagonist’s interaction with the environment.” Can one of those interactions be that I never have to play this crap ever again? “Experience the life of a high school student who goes to class, works and travels through a city filled with detail and characters.” I can guarantee those “details” and “characters” will be bland, boring, and forgettable. “Humorous events derived from pop culture and gaming references.” Translation: the memes are coming. “Play through anime tropes.” So, big breasted, underage girls will be EVERYWHERE. “Secret events…” Here is a secret: STOP MAKING THIS CRAP!

Best Comment: Recluse: “My waifu is a small technicolor equine. I think I’ll pass on this game. Best of luck to you though.”

I’m assuming this is pre-rage?

Rage of the Battlemage

“Lorthan is a last living battlemag…” Oh, he is a “battlemag” now? This makes even less sense. Continue. “…as well as the most talented of all.” He cannot be that talented if THIS is his game. “He can use all elements magic – fire, water, earth and air.” Uh, what about the fifth element? Idiot “But as he is too much proud he doesn’t use air element magic. It serves him only to clean his lawn from leaves.” Is… is this a joke? Is this what the developer thinks passes for “humor?” “Through gaining experience and knowlage…” Must be an old timey way of saying “knowledge.” “…Lorthan has discoverd, not known to anyone else, the fifth element ‘Ethernal Ether…'” No joke: I did not read ahead when I was mocking this description. “…which allows him to heal his wounds.” Heal this game first. “As a first mage, he used fifth element in the battle.” Wait, I thought he was the last. Now he is the first? Is this some sort of weird, time travel “have sex with you grandmother to eventually create yourself” thing? “The fate of the world rests on his shoulders.” Then we are all screwed. “Bravely he stands to fight with demons of hell and monsters coming out of the ground!” Now we have demons and monsters?! You kind of buried the lead with that one, buddy!

Best Comment: Vithral: “Looks stupid.”

Wait, you’re telling me this is an INDIE game?!

Taxi Tyranny

Remember that game Crazy Taxi? Or maybe Carmageddon? Those were fun games, right? Well this game takes those two concepts, combines them together, and creates a complete pile of garbage. In this piece of human feces the player takes control of Fred Thurman, an average taxi driver in Mantrell City. Until aliens attack the city killing everyone but Thurman, who must now outfit his taxi with weapons and fight back. Sounds like fun, right? Yeah, I did not think so. The description of this game keeps calling out the graphics as “retro,” but I would just call them “ugly garbage.” It looks like someone started designing this game as school project, but then either forgot about it or did the least amount of work possible in order to still get a passing grade. Also notice that the first video on the Greenlight page is titled “Taxi Tyranny Trailer (Indie Steam Game),” but it is kind of obvious that this is an indie game. Actually, is there a description that is less corporate than “indie?” If so, that is what I would classify this under. Maybe “stupid garbage,” but that might be too much of a compliment.

Best Comment: Lightwave: “At least developer is not russian.. Yeah?”

Yes, the first thing I always see my cat do is hang out in a garbage truck.

Cat Survival

This game actually interests me quite a bit, as I have always wondered what it would be like to be a cat. Not in like a weird, sexual fursona way, but in a “roll around in the sun and sleep for 18 hours a day” way. However, I do not know what is even going on in this game. Just look at the description: “Surivaval game about street cat.” Okay, I follow so far. “Your owners abandoned you.” So, we were not originally a street cat. Seems to be a “fish out of water” type of story. Okay, I am in so far. “Cat has some atributes…” What? “…such as satiety…” Huh? “…helth…” Who? “…infection…” Wait. Infection?! Does the cat have feline AIDs or something? …”strength.” Yes, all cats are known for their strength. Not like their dexterity, flexibility, speed, etc. “You need hunt to survive it is very diificult for young and weak cat…” Oh. Okay. “…then you should dicide – eat garbage and increase your infection level or try harder in hunting stuff.” Yep, quite a decision. Either eat garbage and get more AIDs or hunt more and…. do something. “Then when you grow up…” But, what if you do not WANT to grow up? What if you want to be a Toys’R’Us kid?! “…you will chalenge other cats for reproduction purpose…” LOL SEX!!!! “testing your strength and skill.” Again, I do not think cats are really known for their strength. “You will live one week of every season for some random years(depends on how healthy you are).” So, what happens for the other weeks? Does the cat hibernate in a cryogenics chamber or something? “Soon, I will upload video about basic mechanics.” Naw, do not worry about it.

Best Comment: jacoblfree: “make the cost reasonable for garbage cat sim make it at least 15 dollers”

Just going to casually thrust my fist at my meth lab.

Vampire – Le fruit defendu

This is some piece of crap vampire game in French or whatever. Nobody really cares. I bet the developer of this wears a lot of black, lives in his mom’s basement, and spends $100 a week on eyeliner. Just look at those arm graphics, though. Apparently every vampire’s fist is glued shut? I bet that makes it hard to suck the life blood out of any potential victims. Maybe that is why one does not see a whole lot of vampires around anymore. At least, outside of the local Hot Topic store. I really like how the description is aggressively anti-religion: “For those not speaking french, ‘le fruit défendu’ means forbidden fruit, referring to Adam and Eve, their fictional relation with the birth of humanity and therefore it’s fall.” Wow, just going to throw it all out there, huh? I have a feeling the guy who makes this is one of those people who constantly, and loudly, talks about his agnosticism and how much smarter he is than someone who believes in any religion. He also probably has a very big collection of fedoras. Maybe he should pray to his Spaghetti Monster god to give him some game design skills.

Best Comment: Monsieur-Owly: “Looks more like a stump than an actual hand…”

Oh no! Someone made me spawn a new head!

A Game About Snowmen

This is one of those few games where the title says all one needs to know. This is a game about snowmen. Very crappy looking snowmen throwing pieces of themselves at each other in a very boring world. Yes, you heard me right: these snowmen make snowballs out of their own bodies to throw at each other. Their goal: knock the opponents head off. This is probably the most morbid game I have ever seen. Even more morbid than Phantasmagoria, at least that one did not have people cannibalizing themselves for fun. I also find it interesting that the game’s “Friendly Features” include “No Headshots,” “No Blood or Gore,” and “No Death.” Oh, and also “Bunny Ears.” First off: there ARE headshots, as the point of the game is to knock your opponent’s head off! Also, there may not be any blood, gore, or death to a human, but if Frosty were to play this, he would probably be puking his magical guts out. This is disgusting. Snowmen have rights too! #snowmenlivesmatter

Best Comment: Dr. Adam: “Snowmen having a snowball fight? Would that be with their own flesh then?”

What…. what?

Locking

This game’s title is derived from the fact that the player uses the Caps/Num/Scroll Lock keys to control the character. Wow, how exciting and original! This is going to be Game of the Year for sure! Let us read the description and find out more! “[My English is not good, following information from Internet translation]” Well, at least this guy is up front and admits he just threw this into some online translator. “Girlfriend is coming back.” From where? The store? Work? A vacation? Her mom’s house where she complains about you and her mom tries to convince her to finally dump you? “There was no time to explain.” Oh, no time to explain anything. Oh, wait. Do you mean “IS no time to explain?” Explain this crappy game? Yeah, I doubt you ever could. “Dispose of inflatable doll as soon as possible!” Why would I need to dispose of an inflatable doll. I mean, it is just a doll… oh. Oh, I get it now. Heheheheehehehehsexheheheheheehe. “Want to leave no trace,you should through some stages.” Should… what through some stages? “What that means is that you need to turn off the lamps with the music playing.” Oh. O…okay. “You can through the stage until the score reaches target.” Wait, is my girlfriend going to shop at Target now? In that case, I still have some time, because you can never leave Target withouth a million extra things. “Can we dispose of this dirty toy?” How DARE you talk about your girlfriend like that! “Now that it’s all up to you!” Finally. The burden is on our shoulders. We WILL become… LOCKING.

Best Comment: manonfire2730: “why not get rid of the doll or is your wife joining in?”

Just from this screenshot I’m going to assume this game is a love story between some hippy chick and one of the dog ghosts from Ghostbusters.

Sudden Chronicles

Wow, I “sudden”ly feel nauseous! Haha, just a li’l joke from me to you! Honestly, this game looks like garbage. Just read the “gameplay:” “Run on large maps around in order to find usefull items, weapons and new quests.” Wow, so much fun! I do not even know what to say about this one. These graphics look worse than Baldur’s Gate. Steam Greenlight is crap. Nobody should ever use it. Someone please set me free from this hell.

Best Comment: Smeagol: “I cant even read your description nor take it seriously.”

Hehehe what do you think he’s doing?

Potato Thriller

Oh no! The famous serial killer knows as the “Potato Man” is back and killing again! Maybe he will kill me before I have to look at this game again. “‘Potato Thriller’ is an insane horror/thriller/action game with a crazy story-line and constant changing gameplay mechanics.” Translation: it makes no sense and is not fun. The developer could not be bothered to even chose one type of game play. “Play as Quindalin, the best bounty hunter around.” What? What kind of name is that? That sounds like the name from a thirteen-year-old’s Star Trek fan fiction. “Explore the dark twisted world of the Potato man as you struggle to survive dangerous environments, encounter deadly enemies, meet strange characters, and come across many unexpected situations.” Quite a promise for a Steam Greenlight game, right? At least the English in this one makes sense. So it has that going for it, I guess. I dunno. This game just depressed me. I need to go eat a whole carton of ice cream.

Best Comment: Widdershins: “Lot of shit on GL today”

Reddit would eat this crap up.

Project K.Y.S.A.

Hey, remember that Five Nights at Freddy’s game that totally never was cloned a billion times? This game is 100% not one of those clones, but starring some Russian dude’s cat instead of animatronic animals. Oh, wait. It totally is! “It’s a summer!” Oh, just “a summer?” There are so many things I want to say about this sentence already. Let us just continue. “Time to earn some money, for buy interesting things…” What? What does that mean? Can one of my readers decipher this? “…and to spend the holidays fun.” Oh. Oh, no. This makes even less sense! Now my head hurts. “But… where to find a job?” I… do not know. I cannot do this anymore. “FAMILY CAFE WITH PETS IN SEARCH OF A SECURITY GUARD!” Why? Why does this exist? Why is my life…. this?! “Protect our pets, watch to the mechanisms are not stolen and earn 90$ for 5 days!” $90 a day! Whooooa! That is some big moolah! Wait… what is the catch? “…” I knew it. Your silence tells me there IS a catch. Now to just find out what it is. “Your work week has started” Wait. I did not agree to work for you yet! I still need to find out the catch! Oh, well. I am sure I will find it soon. I mean, it cannot be that bad, right?

Best Comment: AlecZer: “This looks terrible, barely even a game at all 0.5 / 10 only because of the cat”

What even is this?

Driving Shooters

What? What even is this? A box with a gun on it? Honestly, this sort of stuff should not surprise me coming from Steam Greenlight, but it still does. Just look at the game’s description. “Driving Shooters is a innovative new game that combines the age-old genres of racing and first person shooters.” Yes, the name of this game is Driving Shooters. Probably the worst name in the world. Who wants to bet that this “innovative” game is not innovative at all? “in driving shooters you play on a team of two, one of you controlling a turret and the other controlling a vehicle.” If, you know, you can actually find someone to play this game with you. “your team tries to get the most hits while also avoiding getting shot.” Pretty much just standard shooter stuff so far. Nothing innovative here. “It is a combination of co-op and multiplayer, each round consists of 4 teams versus each other in a deathmatch.” Again, this assumes anyone will want to play this crap. “If you get killed you can keep spectating.” Awesome! I cannot wait to watch a game I did not want to play in the first place! “if you win you can upgrade your vehicle, and your teammate can upgrade his turret.” Wait, so we cannot be the turret controller? We have to drive in each game? Sounds boring! “your teammate is chosen by you from your steam friends.” Who will then quickly unfriend you for making you play this crap. Great!

Best Comment: Mundaneye: “How much did you take out of your parents wallet to get this game on greenlight?”

This is seriously the only screenshot with ANY color.

Boo!

I am not even sure where to begin with this one. Let us just read the game’s description and see if we can figure it out together. “You put him…” Okay, hard stop right there. Who is “him?” Also, who is the player controlling? A doctor or nurse? We really should not expect to know actual important information in these Greenlight games. “…in a psychiatric clinic strict regime and severely beaten for repeated suicide attempt…” Yes, the best way to treat someone with suicidal tendencies is to beat them. Good doctoring there. “…and for the murder of his wife Lucy.” Oh, well now the beatings make sense! “You have to get out of the clinic and take revenge on all those who contributed to your capture…” Wait, I thought WE were the captors? Unless the controlling character changes? Kind of like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid 2. “…and for cruel izbeenie himself a native.” What? Who? What…. I do not even care anymore. “Solve puzzles, find the keys to the door and look do not be afraid of what you would get in the way to do it all.” Okay, I cannot even grasp what this last part is meant to say. Honestly, I do not even want to try!

Best Comment: Rasen: “What an appropriate title. Because it’s what the audience is saying as well.”

The Chair looks on at his empty, family home and remembers the good times.

Chair Simulator

Yet another Simulator game to come out on Greenlight. This was kind of, but not really, funny back when Goat Simulator came out, but the meme died very soon after that. I mean, Goat Simulator was pretty fun for a couple hours, but there was not a lot you could do with it. Kind of like when you see a boobie for the first time, or, in Pierson’s case, when he finally sees one for the first time. I am not sure what else to say about this game. The player walks around as a chair and collects coins for some reason. Are there upgrades one can buy with said coins? Who knows? Who cares? I would be surprised if this game was still posted on Greenlight by the time this article goes up. In the meantime, go play a good game. I picked up the re-release of Pokemon Red that just came out for the 3DS on Friday. It is still lots of fun and brings back a lot of nostalgia from back when I first played them. My sister and I both got GameBoy Colors and Pokemon Red/Blue for Christmas that year. I took Blue and she took Red. I still remember the day I finally caught all 150 Pokemon, including the legendary ones and Mewtwo. What a great day that was… what was that? Oh, I should be talking about this crap game? HECK no!

Best Comment: SubUmbra: “Please try a new fad.”

The world is as empty as my heart.

Beacon of Hope

Another RPG Maker pile of garbage! What “new” and “innovate” features does this one promise? Let us check the game’s description! “Beacon of Hope is a classic ATB-style RPG with a difficulty level that promises a challenging…” NOPE! “…yet rewarding…” NOPE again! “…take on the classic formula.” Meaning “I do not have any real ideas, so I am going to steam from every Final Fantasy game ever.” “Featuring a host of characters…” None of which you will care about, because they will all be your typical weeaboo garbage personalities. “…optional areas and side quests…” None of which you will play, because nobody will even care enough about this game to play the main story “…and a branching storyline with over 10+ total hours of gameplay…” None of which you will get through, because both RPG Maker and Steam Greenlight are garbage. Two negatives do NOT make a positive. Unless you are in math class. “…follow Corwin Ambermoon…” Seriously? That is what you are going to name the hero of this “epic” quest? That sounds like a rejected name from The Hunger Games. “…on his quest across the land to try and stop the traitorous King Bellmare from destroying the world of Five Realms. Can you be the Beacon of Hope?” NO!

Best Comment: Lato: “He’s only been using RPG Maker for 8 days and thinks his game should be on Steam!!!!!???”

What is even happening here?

RPG Fighter League

This is one of those rare Steam Greenlight games that could actually be decent if it was made by a competent game studio and not posted to Steam Greenlight. Also, if it was not made using RPG Maker. According to the game’s description, this is some sort of coliseum-style RPG where the player creates their own team of heroes and fights their way up the ranks to become champion of various fighting leagues. The description also boosts weekly new, free content based off the comments of the players. Sounds like a pretty decent game, right? Too bad this is Steam Greenlight and the developer will give up on this “weekly” content within the first three months. Especially since they will soon realize the limitations of both their money and using RPG Maker. FYI to all would-be developers with games this complicated: do not try to make this one your own. Pitch your idea to an already established game company and take the money they give you. Possibly take a staff position, if one is offered. Get your name out there and THEN try to make a game like this on your own. Prove to the gaming community that you CAN do something like this. I would not be surprised if this game crashes and burns within the first couple months of its release.

Best Comment: Lavos: “wow! cool tipe Final Fnatasy 6-5-4” (I chose this one because I have no clue what they are trying to say.)

Very convenient that the “Exit Game” option is always right there at the top of the screen.

Play The Game – The Real Game Life Simulator

This is a simulator of playing video games. Yes, just in case you are not disconnected from the world enough! This game has the player play as many games as possible, so they can be crowned “The King of All Gamers.” The player does this by gaining money, buying new games, and playing as many as possible. The game’s description also notes that each game your in-game character plays will be a mini-game the player can play. Sounds fun, right? This reminds me a lot of Retro Game Challenge that game out on the Nintendo DS a few years ago. That was a pretty good game. This one, not so much. Why do I say this? Two reasons: Steam Greenlight and Unity Engine. Adding both those together instantly makes this a crappy game. Oh, and check out all these “features” in the game’s demo: “In order to see graphics of the game on TV, you have to turn on the TV and the game console, then connect them with a video cable. When you finish all of above, you can actually play a mini game.” Wow! What a great feature! Even though I could easily do that in real life without paying for this piece of crap game. What a joke.

Best Comment: Sheriff Narwhal: “yay another hilarious simulator game with that infamous “made with unity” splash screen”

This guy’s hands are constantly in that ‘Aliens!’ pose.

Nightfall Dead Age

This is one of those games that makes fun of itself in its Greenlight description. it should be noted that this was apparently (badly) translated from Spanish. Let us enjoy that, shall we? “This game is about a soldier who survived a massive war of the powerful governments in the XXI century,…” Oh, you mean the twenty-first century we are in now? How exotic! “…waking up after a long time he realized he had strange subjects in the world called them the zekas.” So, is your character a king or some sort of royalty? That would be pretty important information to know from the beginning. Unless that is supposed to be a twist. “Maybe that’s not the question we must answer, but rather should be Where they come from?” Wait, what was our other choice to answer? I only see one question here. “,” I am not sure why this comma is here. “What are they?” Oh, HERE is the other question. Nevermind. “¿” A random Spanish question mark. “Survived more people?” I do not… I do not know what this means. “Are there more of your class?” Class? What class? Is your character in school? Again, information that would be nice to know from the start. “Will I survive?” Is the game developer now asking us if he/she will survive? Is the developer in any sort mortal danger? “Only it left in you to survive in this cruel world” Yes. Yes it is…? Also notice how there is not ending punctuation on that sentence. “This game is an in Development Game, with one people work” Again, no ending punctuation. However, we do now know that this game is, in fact, “one people work.” Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Best Comment: giles.haydon: “This looks like some sort Christian Rock simulator”

A medieval Iron Man ponders why he is in this game at all.

Possessed

First off, I will be honest: this game looks like it would not be ABSOLUTELY horrible, like all else of Steam Greenlight, but there are two things holding it back: it is on Steam Greenlight and the developer is like 12. Remember all those “cool” pictures that one alt kid used to draw on his folders during middle school? The art in this game is 90% comprised of those. Giant, impossible-to-wield weapons, random princesses with huge racks, and “funny” spins on the traditional fantasy troupes (making potions from TEARS?! Hilarious!). Also, this would not be Steam Greenlight without someone making a story that nobody ever wanted or asked for. Apparently this game is a “continuation” of the Little Red Riding Hood story, complete with unnecessary gore, magic, and swear words! I guess Little Red Riding Hood gets possessed by some evil god named “Dark Lord Assrabbit” (Again, hilarious!) and she has some fake magic spell book that is in every fantasy movie/TV show/story ever. This game just reminds me of a crappy version of MDK.

Best Comment: Mad Tweek: “And I voted down. Pure balance, pure balance… :)”

Why… why is that baby here?

Welp, this sure is a game alright! I mean, not one that anyone in their right mind would ever want to play this pile of garbage. Especially since it is meant to be played using the Oculus Rift. I guess this is a game where the player just drives a car around a “table-top” and crashes into things? Oh wait, I remember this game when it was called Burnout, and it was a billion times better. Except for Burnout: Paradise. That game was fun, but the whole open world thing kind of ruined the point of having events. Especially since the player had to physically drive in the game to each event and could not easily pick them from the menu. However, that game is still much, MUCH better than this piece of Greenlight garbage. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, this garbage Greenlight game. This game looks like a demo to show off the Oculus Rift hardware, not a game itself. This is something that should come free with the Rift. Maybe not even free, they should pay YOU to play it. I am also pretty sure I have seen the assets used in this game in a bunch of other crappy indie games.

Best Comment: girlfoxgirl: “Who is the target audience for this game? A baby in the logo, the title, and the gameplay of playing with toy cars- I would guess children? Is VR really the best method for this? I wouldn’t let a child handle the expensive equipment of a VR headset and this looks too childish for me to play myself.”

LOL!

Fart Blackjack

This is it. This is the best game on Steam Greenlight. Look, I know I have said that once before. Maybe twice or three times, but this time it is 100% true. Just check out the game’s description: “Finally, the type of blackjack game you have always wanted to play.” Truer words were never spoken. Let us read the rest of this amazing, wonderful game’s description! “Bet money and try not to go over 21.” Okay, standard blackjack rules so far. “If you lose or go butt,” Huh? “Go butt?” I do not know what that means, but I LIKE it! “…you will fart.” Hell YES! This game already gets a 10/10 from me, and I have not even played it! Game of the Year right here, baby! “If you run out of money, you may diarrhea your pants !” …I did not think this game could get any better. Then the developer throws in DIARRHEA?! Possibly the funniest of all poop jokes?! Be still my beating heart….

Best Comment: Varivox: “Sad thing is, this is actually pretty good for Greenlight…. F*** you Valve, f*** you….”

Whoa, guys in hoods talking like snakes? Unheard of!

Einlanzer

“Einlanzer is an epic RPG in the classic 90’s JRPG style. Written by fantasy author Andrew Ryan Henke.” Full stop. Right there. That previous sentence was copied directly from the game’s description on Steam Greenlight. Sounds like a great game, eh? Too bad it is an RPG Maker piece of crap on Steam Greenlight. Oh, and that “author” Andrew Ryan Henke? Let us do a quick Google search and see what this “author” has written. Absolutely nothing. A couple self-published books on Amazon. The biggest hit I got was Google thinking I wanted to search for Andrew Ryan from Bioshock instead. Here is some more from the description: “Einlanzer has a unique,…” Nope. I can guarantee this is not true. “…engrossing storyline,…” Again, no. “…highly strategic battle system,…” What is strategic about the standard RPG Maker battle system again? “…and difficult moral decisions that permanently affect the storyline.” I hope one of those will be to permanently remove this game from history.

Best Comment: Lato: “It’s not the engines fault this guy has no skill or talent….”

This game is the worst.

Pixel Day – Gun Z

…why? Why do people keep making crappy Minecraft rip offs? Why do they ever think they will succeed? Nobody ever will. Just stop. This game also has the utter gall to call itself “unique” and that it sports “realistic graphics.” So, now the developer is just lying to us? Is that even allowed? Does Steam Greenlight have a police force? I feel like it should have its own police force. Maybe that is me? Am I the first line of defense? If so, I am doing a horrible job of it! Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh, right this craptastic game. It sucks. Waht else can be said?

Best Comment: skull_trumpet.gif: “Just because you put unchanged UnitZ assets into some other asset pack doesn’t exempt you from scorn.”

Brah! Bro! Brosef!

Bro Fist Simulator

What is with Steam Greenlight and these “simulator” games? They never actually simulate anything. This game is a “simulator” of handshakes. Specifically handshakes that those of the “bro” persuasion would perform. Oh, and this game pushes the “bro” in your face. The game’s description alone uses the word “bro” 22 times. This is also basically a four paragraph section, so that is pretty significant. Oh, and because this is Steam Greenlight, there is just random gore thrown in there for absolutely no reason. Really horribly drawn gore. Oh, and do you want to cringe even more than you already have? Yeah, I know you do. Here is another amazing quote from the description: “Enjoy being bro alone or with your best bro.” If that is not the most cringe-worthy thing I have ever read, I do not know what is.

Best Comment: NawTee: “Oh boy, the shit even put near greenlight is depressing”

War truly IS hell…

Project War

So, this is basically just some crappy tank fighting game. It looks like the developer of this game made it in about an hour. Let us see what kind of new “features” this game will bring to the genre (Pssst! I bet it is nothing!)! “Eliminate all enemies in all levels.” Right. Standard stuff so far. “Get Ready to control a Tank. Some difficulties can happen” (sic). Wait, what kind of difficulties are we talking? Gross ones? If there are gross ones, then I do not want to go! I do not want to war! “If you like a military style, join us.” Is this, like, a sex thing? Is “military style” some sort of sex act? If only Ethos was still around. He would probably know, because he is a big ol’ PERVERT! OWNED! “To Have Peace, The War need Comes.” Dang, this is a pretty good pick up line! I am going to use this one the next time I go to the bar.

Best Comment: SlayerCoon: “It’s like world of tanks if it were made in 1998 on a $100 budget.”

I don’t even know what’s happening here.

Candice DeBébé’s Incredibly Trick Lifestyle

This one… this one is a little hard to explain. It seems to be an RPG of some sort about a British girl trying to capture a singer who stole her friend’s tanning salon? The description is very confusing, as it jumps from a really bad written impersonation of a Brit to text acronyms. Sometimes using both at once. Just read this example: “Aight? I’m Candice innit (that’s me up in the photo, the biggest one as I am well important)…” I am SO confused. “…and this is an Action RPG all about the incredibly trick lifestyle of me and my m8s!” Wait, what does that mean? No, I know what “m8s” means. I am talking about “trick lifestyle.” What is a “trick lifestyle?” According to Google it means something about being… how can I put this delicately… a WHORE. Yes, this game is about being a prostitute in England. At least, that is what I can surmise from one Google search that took ten seconds. The game also seems to think that having over “2 1/2 hours of voice acting” is something to boast about. Maybe add about ten more hours and then we can talk.

Best Comment: Hot Tits McGee: “I like how there are only two voice actors, who have no talent/experience. I also like how it looks like I’m not going to have fun at all and how some of the character designs are creepy as hell.”

Cool. Very cool.

Rock simulator 2DDD

This game is just a meme about a rock from Russia. Who frickin’ cares?

Best Comment: HellblazerHawkman: “I don’t understand what the game is”

Wow, so interesting!

Top Down Destruction 5

This game is pretty much the epitome of crappy Steam Greenlight games. Generic vehicles stolen from someone else’s hard work (probably). Check. Environments that are incredibly dull or barely existent. Check. A title that makes no sense (Why is this game called “Top Down Destruction” when the camera angle is in third-person?). Check. Game play that is not entirely a fleshed out game, but more of just a concept for a mini-game. Check. All the player does in this “game” is to use a vehicle to shoot other vehicles. This game MIGHT be fun for about five minutes at the very most. Supposedly new “characters” (I would assume this means vehicles? This game is kind of confusing.) will be added every few weeks, but I have a feeling that plan will be scratched very, VERY soon in this game’s launch. I am not really sure why the developer is even showing the game off in the form it is now. This looks like test footage for a high school kid’s computer class final project.

Best Comment: Lord Licorice: “Please return with a finished game.”

Yeah! Let’s fight this harpy with our music!

Fight Your Music!

Hey, remember those rhythm-based game where you click or tap on a circle in time with the beat, like Elite Beat Agents, Rhythm Heaven, or Theatrhythm? Yeah, those games were fun. What if you got to add your own music to the game and the battles were generated using this music? Sounds cool, right? I know I would be into that game. What if I told you the graphics look like they were drawn on a 12 year old’s school notebook? Oh, and those awesome battles that are created by your own music? Yeah, they are now really dull and boring. If all this still interests you, then I am going to call you a moron and tell you to stop reading these articles. The screenshot attached to this game pretty much sums up the whole game. The player clicks the circles to the rhythm of their own music and then sometimes makes pre-set dialogue choices. I think my favorite part of this game is the art. I mean, look at that harpy in the picture. I would not be surprised if that face was based off the developer’s least favorite teacher. I do not even have to really make fun of this game. It does that itself.

Best Comment: Crimson of Rose: “So, it’s theatrhythm without graphics, yeah? I’d play this game for two minutes if it were free and get bored of it. Really feels like a newground game.”

The guy on the left looks like he stole a marker to draw his beard.

Love in the Glen

Veteran readers of these articles know that I HATE anime games with a passion. They always have crappy art that looks exactly the same, the gameplay is always either some dumb “interactive novel” or from RPG Maker, and the dialogue is always stupid and boring. This “game” does not disappoint. Just read the first line in the game’s description: “‘Love in the Glen’ is a romantic otome visual novel/dating sim with a fun interior design minigame.” That is the most buzzword-filled sentence I have ever read. I would not be surprised if Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock wrote this line. Let us keep reading: “Follow in the steps of Zoe Richardson, an interior designer living and working in Los Angeles’ exclusive and stylish Westside, as she explores the true meaning of love, commitment and passion and how it exists on so many different levels and planes.” What? “Different levels and planes.” What does this even mean? Is this some sort of Scientology game? “Dialogue and story in the style of films by Nancy Meyers e.g. ‘Something’s Gotta Give’, ‘The Intern’ & ‘It’s Complicated.'” I am not really sure bragging about how your game’s dialogue is based off mediocre romantic comedies is something I would recommend. Wait. Never mind. This game IS good. Here is the proof: “High quality anime art style.” I apologize. The art is not crappy or generic or dumb. It is “high quality.” 10/10 game.

Best Comment: Karl Pilkington: “you can’t have high quality art style and Anime, it doesn’t happen.”

Yeah, I don’t know why this game was made either.

Astella: Happy Runner

Are you ready for the most lies every told in a Steam Greenlight description? Good, because here are a few examples of those lies! “Do you like using logic to solve problems or adventure games?” Well, yeah, but I have a feeling that none of that matters with this game. “This is not enough!” Not… not enough of what? What is not enough? I am already very confused. “You also have to trample your opponents and escape from them through the maze.” Oh, cool! So I bet we get to play as a huge, hulking beast of some sort! I cannot wait! “An amazing game with a new and impressive atmosphere and unique characters!” Nope. None of this is true. “The game that gives unforgettable pleasure.” Whoa. Uh. Well, this is a little awkward. I mean…. you HAVE had sex, right? I cannot believe that playing this game even MATCHES to amount of pleasure gathered from getting laid. “Who is Astella? Astella is a young and happy boy…” Okay, let us just stop right there. Earlier the description mentioned the player gets to “trample” the enemies, and now the description says the player controls a “young and happy boy?” This does not seem to match up at ALL. “…a thought in your own head…” Okay, let us stop just one more time here. Is this description trying to say that this is all made up? This is all just a fantasy inside the player’s head? Does the player have some sort of mental insanity? Do WE have some sort of mental insanity? Probably, considering I look at these games every week. “…in an adventure confronted by a multitude of enemies for which he must escape and rescue hostages and solve problems hes faced with.” Just like real life! Oh, and this is not mentioned in the description, but the player character is a starfish. Yep!

Best Comment: Spooky: “200% trash.”

What a beautiful man….

Daddy of the Year

“You play as drunk and very angry dad in the dysfunctional family. You come home drunk again and your goal is to destroy your flat, find every member of your family and beat the out of them before your alcohol level reaches zero!” Wow, sounds like a cheerful and fun game! Domestic and child abuse is always something that should be mocked and taken lightly. It definitely does not cause any lasting effects on the victims, both mental and physical. Either the person who made this has absolutely no sense of decorum or they made this just to be “cool” and “edgy.” According to the game’s description the player can beat up their family in both poor AND rich households! What amazing replay value! Oh. Oh wait. “P.S. This is a satirical game with irony and it doesn’t mean to offend anyone. It was created only for entertaiment purposes,” (sic). Oh, so this IS a joke. Nevermind, it is cool, everyone! Go back to your normal business of still not playing this garbage.

Best Comment: Malidala: “Is this supposed to be funny?”

Yes, I fully understand what is happening in this picture.

Zombie Killin

This is just another crappy shooter about zombies. The graphics are horrible, the art is horrible, the gameplay is (probably) horrible. There is nothing redeeming about this game at all. I do not even feel like making jokes about it. This game is SO bad it sucked all humor out of my body. I know I have said it before, but I will say it until the day I die: STOP MAKING ZOMBIE GAMES! Unless you work for a big developer and are able to add something new to the franchise, just STOP. The last really good zombie games were the first Left for Dead game and the third Dead Rising game. The rest are mediocre at best. If we all make a pact to stop making these games, then the world will be a better place. A place with less garbage. A place with less Steam Greenlight. A place of love and peace.

Best Comment: Winters_Beer: “More like left for shit”

So, is this like a Moses thing or something?

NoserLand

This is the best rat meme game I have ever seen. In fact, it is the ONLY rat meme game I have ever seen. This is a game in which the player controls a rat in some dumb kingdom or something. I think some of the other residents have discovered a conspiracy concerning the queen of this dumb kingdom. I bet she is a dumb rat too. I fully blame that Bad Rats game for inspiring this pile of trash. The graphics on both are very, VERY similar to each other. Which basically means they both look like garbage. Seriously, knockoff cartoons that were made in Soviet Russia looked better than this game. This game looks like it was outdated in 2002. Also notice that all the character look exactly the same, except for their clothing and hair. They all have the same nose, same eye color, and same weird goth eyelashes. I guess The Cure influenced this society’s fashion choices. I think my favorite part about this entry is the fact that the screenshots the developers show are meant to entice the reader into voting for the game. However, the developer here has picked the most boring, dull screenshots possible. Which means that either the developer is an idiot or the game is just that boring. Actually, I vote for a third option: both.

Best Comment: Varivox: “This looks like a Greenlight submission that is about a year away from being ready for a Greenlight submission!”

Wow! All my favorite memes!

Bitardia Cards: Memes of 2ch

This is like the perfect storm of crappy Steam Greenlight games: Russian, a card game, and memes. Apparently this is a card game is based off some Russian 4chan knockoff. I am not really sure why all the characters have boxes for heads. Actually, I am not really sure why this game was made at all. Maybe the game’s “english” description can explain everything. “Based on Russian imageboard culture…” Wait, image boards have culture? I have been to a few and I know this is not true. “…and game Bitardia – http://store.steampowered.com/app/405010. The game represents the noncommercial parody…” Actually, go to the link in this description to see the game being “parodied.” This is not a parody. This is a complete copy. Not really surprising, considering it comes from Russia. “…is another popular card game, i.e. game will be completely free and without donat.” Good, because nobody in their right mind would buy or “donat” to this game in the first place. “The game has multiplayer.” So all the ten people who have access to the internet in Russia can play together. Cool. “The screenshots shows not the final version, the number of cards will increase.” Oh, but the graphics will not? Too bad.

Best Comment: brandino: “God damn it Russia. Stop voting for shitty games just because it’s made by a Russian. At this point I just want a video game crash to happen in Russian because Russian’s REALLY suck at making games. Seriously Russian’s just suck at making video games. Russia needs to stop trying to make a good video game because they can’t. They just can’t.”

Yeah, I’m totally going to fap in an unlocked room on my bed that is DIRECTLY facing the door.

30 Seconds to Fap

The veteran reader of this series of articles may think this would end up being my favorite game ever. This is a game in which the player must spam their mouse button to “fap” before one of their parents interrupts the process. The player does this over five (yes, FIVE) increasingly difficult levels. Apparently there is a story to the game too, but I doubt it goes past your parents just thinking you need a girlfriend. The game also “features” a survival mode, in which the player has to constantly fap until their mother randomly walks through the door. Sounds like SO much fun! The game’s description also makes it seem like those who played it on GameJolt, where the game was originally released, loved it so much that it touched their hearts. In fact, they probably played it just to make fun it. Dear developer, they are laughing AT you, not WITH you.

Best Comment: the_tricky: “We already have a crappy fap sim on steam, not even counting the dozens of free ones on the internet”

Wow, I can’t wait to READ my game!

Buried: An Interactive Story

You know what I am tired of seeing in my games? Cutscenes! I would much rather read about everything and just click an arbitrary choice every once in a while than actually PLAY my games! Oh, my sarcasm does not translate over text? Well, I think all my readers know whatever I am about to talk about is complete garbage. Yes, this is an “interactive story” that the developer is trying to pass off as a game. It is not a game. It should not be on Steam Greenlight. The game’s description boosts the fact that it includes “stunning photos,” but every screenshot shown looks boring and generic. Oh, no! Another dirty, narrow hallway! I have never seen that in anything before! I am STUNNED! Again, I hope you can sense my sarcasm. The game’s description also mentions that there are no pauses or waiting during the playthrough. Which means the game is either SUPER short (most likely this is the case) or you will have to hold your pee pee in for a long time. Just do not drink any water while playing this. In fact, just do not play this game at all. Just read a book.

Best Comment: ♠SM♠ Rita Benjamin: “wouldnt buy”

Yes, most weed plants grow inside a living room while just hanging around at random.

iGrow Game

Hey, you know what is cool? Smoking weed! That is cool! Hehehehehe! #420!!!!! This is a farming simulator game, but with a twist: in this game the player is farming….. WEED PLANTS! WHOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!! How edgy! I think the most noticeable parts of this game is that not only are the plants some horrible looking generic Unity engine assets, but the weed growing rooms just seem to be random living rooms. The plants are not even organized in any way. They are just kind of standing around doing nothing. The last time I checked you need to keep those plants at a specific temperature for them to grow properly. You also do not want to grow them in an enclosed living room, a greenhouse or something similar is needed. So this really is not a sim at all. It is just someone trying to be edgy by adding weed to an already over-populated game genre. Also, it seems like everything we can see in the screenshots is everything there is to do. There are no dangers of the police or the feds raiding you if you grow too much at once. The player just walks around in a building full of weed plants and takes care of them. Sounds like it would be incredibly boring, unless you are high. Maybe the developer of this game was high when they were making it?

Best Comment: Gas mask TV thief: “420 blaze it scrub”

Let’s conga our way to the exit!

Conga Master

“A ridiculously fun conga dancing arcade game.” This is the first line of this game’s description. This is the first LIE this developer will tell us. There is no way this game is “fun.” “Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga, I know you can’t control yourself any longer!” More like I cannot control my bowels or gag reflex while playing this game. “…beware of stinky pigs disguised as cool clubbers…” Wait, what? When did pigs get thrown into all this? Why are there pigs in the club? How did they get there? Why are they there? Why are they being hated on so much if all they want to do is dance? These are questions I have a feeling will never be answered. “Conga Master was prototyped in 3 days for the Ludum Dare competition.” I have two jokes for this line: 1. I DARE you to delete this game out of existence. 2. I have played a Ludlum Dare game before. It was horrible and the characters had no faces. I expect this game to just as bad, if not more so. If that is not enough mockery, here are two lines that contradict each other: “Tons of fun for a ridiculous price (around 3$!)” and “You can download it for free!” So, which is it: free or $3? These are questions that nobody cares about, because nobody will play this garbage.

Best Comment: MechuL*: “please add turkish wedding musics :D”

This looks like a dream I had when I was on shrooms one time…

Bacon Tales

Do you want to play another generic-looking, cartoony tower defense game? Me neither, but this one is being made anyway! Oh, but here is the twist: it references bacon! I remember like a year ago when everyone on the internet was talking about bacon. Almost like it was the new “cool” thing to be into. 2014 was the year of the bacon meme. 2015 is the year of the pizza meme. What food will take over memes in 2016? We have yet to find out. I am guessing it will be garlic bread, only because I have a friend on Facebook that is constantly sharing posts from a Facebook page called “Garlic Bread Memes.” Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right: this worthless game. It is not like this game looks bad, like most Steam Greenlight games, but it is just completely unnecessary. It is basically just your standard tower defense game, but the player builds up the defenses of the pigs in The Three Little Pigs story while they battle against the wolves trying to take down their houses. The developer also seems to be REALLY pushing the fact that pigs equal bacon and bacon equals funny. This real problem with this game is that tower defense games are a dime a dozen these days, so the game has to have a special twist to really hook players. This game does not have anything like that. Much like all of Steam Greenlight this is just another game that did not need to be made.

Best Comment: YoshiParty: “Looks kinda boring.”

What are we even supposed to be looking at here?

Aztecalypsis: The Curse

It is always a good sign when the title of your game is nearly unpronounceable and the first line in its description says that this is just an early version and the game will most likely look different on its final version. If your game is not even close to being completed, why are you showing it off for the world to see? Especially something that looks at horrible as this. Apparently in this game the player explores an “unknown area where the Aztecs lived.” I guess this area is so unknown that its graphic assets have not been finished yet. I have a feeling that the developer of this game read the Wikipedia article on the Aztecs, forgot everything that was written in the article, and then decided to make up his own facts for the game. Also notice that all the assets used in this game are from the Unity engine. I am willing to bet that all the plants and trees shown in the game are not native to Mexico at all. Maybe the palm trees and cacti, but that is it. I also enjoy that the game is described as an “action adventure game with an apocalyptic touch,” but one of the game’s genres is “casual.” I do not think those two things go together.

Best Comment: Knights: “Terrible… I really have nothing else to say about it.”

Ah, yes. The typical “homely-looking girl” pornstar.

Are You Smarter Than a Porn Star?

I think this is a first for Greenlight. A trivia game… starring PORN STARS?!!??!?!?!! WHAAAAAAAT? Oh, and by “porn star” I mean “some random semi-attractive girls off Craigslist who were willing to get naked for like $100.” Seriously, look at that girl in the screenshot. I am not saying she is unattractive, but she is definitely not porn star standards. Also notice that everyone is wearing a cheerleader outfit in this game. That is because this is just a rehashed version of an XBox 360 game called Are You Smarter Than a Cheerleader. That is always something that means your game is going to be GREAT! This game reminds me of The Guy Game for the PlayStation 2. That was another trivia game, only the player competed against random ladies who would then get topless if the player wins. You may remember that game for being taken off store shelves because one of the girls in the game turned out to be underage. I would assume that checking an ID would be the first thing one would do when filming a girl topless for a video game, but whatever. That is just my thoughts. I guess if you are 12 and your parents have some sort of internet blocking on for adult sites, this is going to be Game of the Year.

Best Comment: Souperzombie: “More extremely creepy and unfunny trash being dragged off Xbox Live Arcade and slapped on here. Ughh.”

Realistic fire effects!

War Truck Simulator

I guess this is a game in which the player drives around some army truck and kills stuff. The game’s description makes it seem like the truck has some sort of special abilities, but those are never really shown. I have a feeling these “abilities” come in the form of unrealistic missiles and machine guns. Actually, the truck looks like something out of a box of army men toys, so maybe this game is based off Toy Story. I really like how one of the “features” of this game is that “in front of you difficult tasks, and you have to face it!” Again, this is a “FEATURE” of the game. I guess that makes sense in the world of Steam Greenlight. The game’s description also makes sure to point out that “this special car is entrusted to you, in which you perform your job!” Oh, because all the screenshots of JUST a truck made me think NO vehicles were involve din this game whatsoever. The game’s title did not help out with this either. Both the game’s description and the features keep mentioning that the player “has to be ready” for the missions. Probably because, unlike the real military, there will be no training at all on how to drive the truck or properly execute the missions. Oh, and whoever wrote this feature: “you have to drive through difficult terrain and at the same time not destroy your vehicle,” obviously has never driven a car in my area. The roads are in some serious need of repairs!

Best Comment: bubs the sloth: “why”

Wait, I thought this game was about numbers…

OddEven

Supposedly this is some sort of math-based game, in the style of Sudoku. Only the game’s menu looks really boring, tedious, and, well, crap. Actually, the game’s description will explain things a lot better than I can. “OddEven-game(puzzle generator)…” Oh, thanks for that little sidenote. I had NO clue. “…is lite, casual, features rich Desktop-game(as opposed to mobile and console games) with sharp graphics.” Really? You are going to claim this game has “sharp graphics” when the screenshots are right there. I do not think we are looking at the same pictures, or game even. Perhaps the writer of this description needs new glasses? Maybe he or she is living in opposite world, where crappy games like this are actually considered good. “It’s more like feature rich mathematical-software with full control given to players.” FINALLY! A game in which the player has “full” control! We have been waiting for this for YEARS. Ever since the idea of a video game was created. Finally. Finally the gamers are free. FREEDOM! FREEDOM AND PEACE! PEACE FOR ALL! THERE WILL BE NO MORE FIGHTING TODAY! “We have focused more on generic side of the game than speed.” What…. what does this even mean? “Generic side” of what? Also, does this mean the game will be slow and boring? I think yes. “We are planning to build on SteamOs if Greenlight and Macintosh(if we could afford one).” Again, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I know I have said this before, but all potential Steam Greenlight developers listen here: IF YOU DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH, GET AN ACTUAL TRANSLATOR! Do NOT use Babel Fish, Google Translate, or any other automated translation service. PLEASE! “Try Demo for better judgement.” Like, just in life itself or better judgement in a specific area or subject?

Best Comment: Roberto Carlos CSGODiceGame.com: “ok”

Where can I start my journey to exit out of this game?

Porradaria 3: Final Dream

What would a Steam Greenlight Round-Up be without some crappy, handdrawn platformer? Especially a crappy, handdrawn platformer that is part of a series that nobody has ever heard of or played. I guess the player controls “The Ninja,” really original name, and fights alongside some sort of resistance group against some evil government. The game’s description brings up the fact that this game has both RPG elements and “Cyborg Ninja abilities.” I have a feeling that these “abilities” will be such gems as “double jump” or “hold down the button to charge up your weapon.” Amazing! Here are some other “features” in the game: “new exploration possibilities with the World Map.” I am not sure how an unreleased game can have “new exploration possibilities, but okay. “Item shop.” Yes. A single item shop. Wow. “Rich story line.” I bet the game’s story line, if there even is one, will be “rich” in blandness. “Memorable characters.” Memorable in the sense that the game will be so horrible you will have nightmares about it for years. Oh, and finally, “classic ♥♥♥♥♥daria Game Play.” Now, what this means, I have no clue. I have never heard of this type of game play. In fact, I am not even sure how one would even pronounce this. Oh, I think I know: “garbage.” Oh, but do not worry. The developer includes this line near the end of the game’s entry: “If this game haves enough votes, the top priority will be to finish it before developing anything else.” I have a feeling that whatever else the developer is working on is nothing special either.

Best Comment: Vault-Boy: “‘Finish it before developing anything else’ so you´re basically saying you only care about releasing as many games as possible and therefore making as much money as possible, and doesn´t care about us.”

I would be surprised if anything works in this game.

RePete

This game looks like someone played Terraria and Braid and decided to make a game. The player apparently controls the titular “Pete,” who can create copies of himself that allows the player to solve puzzles and collect gems. What are these gems used for, you ask? Who knows? The game’s description does not let us know. I would assume Pete needs to collect enough gems to pay someone to remove this ability he has. I mean, it would freak me out for sure. I would not want to hang around with exact copies of me for even a second. WAY too freaky. Honestly, this game would not be horrible if the graphics did not look like they were ripped straight from Terraria. Oh, I get it now! “RePete!” like “repeat.” That is funny. I take back everything back I ever said about this game. We do not normally review the games here at Lusipurr.com with a numbering system, but I feel this is a special circumstance. I give this game a five out of seven: the perfect score!

Best Comment: Zeyro: “Mechanic almost copy-pasted from flash games, wasn’t a fan of it back then, not a fan now.”

#420

Pixelos

What would Steam Greenlight be without a Minecraft clone or two? This clone has the player take control of Jack, whose wife was kidnapped by the evil Dark Prince. Jack must now fight all the enemies stolen from Minecraft in order to save his beloved and continue his peaceful life surrounded by stolen Minecraft assets. This game is made even more redundant due to the fact that Minecraft actually released a story mode to the game a couple months ago. So much is stolen in this game, I would not be surprised there is a twist ending where Jack actually stole his wife from the Dark Prince. Wait, the DARK Prince? Is this the evil version of Wisconsin’s own multi-talented recording artist Prince? Is he evil because you stole this person from him? So many important questions that now need an answer. Actually, even if a single thread of that was true, there is no way this game could be considered “good.”

Best Comment: Card Farming: “looks like minecraft, but steam doesn’t have the original one so i’m assume that is nothing”

Yes, the famous zombie troupe of a hot girl walking around in a sexy Christmas outfit.

Xmas Zombie Rampage

I think we can all agree that I have showcased some really bad games in this series of articles. We have seen clones of pretty much every type of popular game. However, this game… THIS game takes the cake. This is a zombie shooting game in which the player must defeat the zombies who escaped from a nearby army base. Not only did the zombies escape from the base, but they also stole all the Christmas presents! Oh no! Oh, and there are some random scantily-clad ladies thrown in there, for pretty much no reason at all. That is not the best part of the game. The game also includes such amazing features as the only weapon in the game is a shotgun, no auto-healing, no health packs, and the player only has one life to get through the entire game. This game is like Dark Souls or Bloodborne, in the sense that the game is designed to be frustrating just for the sake of being frustrating, but without including the fun parts. Again, that is not the best part about this game. The developer also feels that this game is worth charging $7-13 US. Remember that potential buyers are basically paying for images of half-naked ladies the developer probably found in a five second Google image search. One more time: NOT the best part of this game. The best part of this game is the fact that the main character’s name is… John Doom. Yes, you read that right. The first name is “John,” probably the most bland and generic name in the world. The last name is “Doom,” I would assume as a homage to the video game series of the same title, but this is a really crappy and forced homage. This. Game. Stinks.

Best Comment: Syd Sustain: “i dont know i mean i’m trying to figure out if black ops 3 is better than this”

I’d like to pop the person who made this right in their face.

Tater Popper

So, this is a game, I guess. It is basically just an arcade shooting gallery game, but instead of bullets the player shoots potatoes. Also, somehow the graphics look worse than the arcade shooters of the early 1990’s. In fact, the potato projectile looks more like a Twinkie or a piece of crap than the vegetable it is supposed to be. My favorite part about this entry is that the developer mentions his name many times in the description (Yeah, we get it. Your name is Justin Herman and you made this game.), which I definitely have to give him credit for. He must have really high self-esteem. I guess that is a good thing in this day and age, what with all these kids and their Instagrams and Twitters and FaceBooks. You know, back in my day we did not have all that. No sir. The best we had was MySpace or Live Journal and we LOVED it. It was really had to post pictures that looked good or find your friends, but anything was better that Friendster. Ugh.

Best Comment: Npc01: “reminds me of the free games they put on your computer when you buy a new computer in the 90’s”

Ah yes. The famous horror movie troupe of shooting zombies in a well-lit corn field with a machine gun.

Weekend Drive

This game is SO full of itself. How can I tell that? Just look at the screenshots. It looks HORRIBLE: bright colors and lights everywhere, blocky textures, almost no physics to speak of. However, the maker posted like a million screenshots showing it off and has the most “full of itself” description ever. Here it is: “Welcome to Weekend Drive, a relaxing drive through a city…” Yeah, I do not know about you guys, but every city I have driven through is NOT relaxing. “…being smashed by meteorites…” TOLD YOU SO!!!! “…or being chased by a giant zombie…” Okay, sorry. I just had to jump in here for a second. This is an open letter to both Indie and Pro game developers: STOP THROWING ZOMBIES INTO YOUR GAMES! Nobody cares about zombies anymore. We have been so over saturated by zombies coming at us from all angles that I bet if a zombie apocalypse did occur, half the world would be unfazed. Oh, and no: I do not care about what you would do if a zombie apocalypse happened. Please stop asking to tell me. “…or just jumping a canyon.” I am not sure why he ended this on such a let down thing. This should have been the first one he mentioned. “Jackscepticeye played Weekend Drive and thought it was awesome. See video above.” Cool. I bet this would make sense if I knew/cared who that is. “Download a playable build from IndieDB. Link to the right of this page.” I have a feeling this link will never be clicked. “I have lots of game modes in mind and below is just a bit of what I’m thinking.” Yes, then the maker starts to list like ten other “modes” he wants to put into the game. Yeah right. Like anyone will care.

Best Comment: giles.haydon: “Downvoted based on the fact that you got that annoying Irish lets player ‘Jacks septic eye’ to play it” (There were like five pages of comments that all said pretty much the same thing.)

Yep. I am already confused.

Let’s Play Simulator

So, this game… um. Yes. Yes, this game… er… you… do… I have no clue what you do in this game. It seems like the player takes the role of a Let’s Player and lives that life. That horrible existence of always being “on” and making annoying videos. You know, I used to think that Let’s Players were the worst thing ever. A majority of them are annoying and unfunny. I feel like they would be really obnoxious to be friends with off the Internet. Then I saw this game. Now I beg to hang out with a Let’s Player. Anything is better than this game. It is pretty obvious the maker did the least amount of work possible on this game. Look at the screenshots and you will notice the game screens are bordered by a crappy looking computer and monitor. This computer looks like the developer did a Google image search of “CRAP CUMPOOTER” and picked the very first image he saw. Also, take a look at the background behind the computer. It seems like this is set in a coffee shop or a library. Who does a YouTube video in a library? Again, the LEAST amount of work. Then, there is the screen of the white kid trying to be “ghetto,” some dumb looking “scary” witch face or whatever, and the screenshot the maker stole directly from Doom. Least. Amount. Of. Work. Ever.

Best Comment: brandino: “I am ashamed that I live in a world where this exists.”

2spooky4me

Dance of Death

As usual, Steam Greenlight never fails to impress. Greenlight impresses me when it comes to how stupid and dumb and horrible and dumb and stupid the games look. This is just a “find the hidden objects” game. In fact, I am not even sure this, or any other addition to the genre, a “game.” For those of you who do not know what a hidden object game is, I assume you have been hiding under a rock for like twenty years, it involves the player trying to find certain objects in a still picture of a bunch of other random objects. Imagine Where’s Waldo, but all the rooms look like they came straight out of a hoarder’s house. What makes this “game” even better, or worse depending on your point of view, is that the developer added some stupid Venetian horror elements to the game. For example, just look at the cover picture to the Steam Greenlight entry. It is like the developer went to one steampunk convention and decided he or she was a part of that culture. Also, the games on Steam Greenlight are meant to be purchased by consumers, correct? Are there not like a million versions of these hidden object games on mobile devices that are free? This games makes no sense. The worst thing is that I bet this WILL sell well because a bunch of those steampunk nerds will get into it.

Best Comment: the_liolik: “I love to play puzzle games, and thats I would have bought. Voted.” (Wh…what?)

Where dat potato at, tho?

Blue Portals: Anniversary Edition

At first this entry confused me. The screenshots looked like someone was just submitting Portal to Steam Greenlight. I thought that whoever did this was either really stupid, had really big balls, or both. Then I read the game’s description and realized it is just a mod of Portal. A mod of a really good game that was released on pretty much every format ever. A five-year-old mod of a really good game. This is the kind of stuff that gets submitted to Greenlight. This is not even a semi-original game, and the developer wants people to pay money for it? The only difference between the mod and the normal Portal game is that the player only has one portal to solve the puzzles with versus the two that the player has in the original game. Pro tip for all would-be game designers out there: do NOT switch up the gameplay elements of a game made by a company with a pretty great track record. It will not end well for you. It is beyond my understand why the developer is releasing this on Greenlight. Since when to fan-made mods get their own Steam entries? Oh, and FYI to the developer of this: ever heard of a little game called Portal 2? That was the real Portal sequel we needed and wanted.

Best Comment: FOX: “WTF.Portal 3 ?”

The future of warfare…. if you lived in 1984.

Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare

If someone were to ask me what game sums up Steam Greenlight, I would probably show them this. Crappy graphics, boring screenshots, and an entry that is written is semi-understandable English. Here, see for yourself: “Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare : is a combat fight simulator based on the future warfare tank unit.” Oh, yes. I remember reading on CNN about the US military’s new “future tank unit” division. “Mount any weapon which this versatile tank could carry – from machine gun, laser gun, and missile.” Not multiple machine guns, or a couple different laser guns, or even a few missiles. You can only have ONE of each! “Featuring: Over 6 missions based on fictional conflicts;” Wow! A while SIX different missions?! Incredible! Oh, and you are telling me that this game is not based off a real story? Impossible. “Three different environments – Desert, Coastal, Urban Warfare.” Basically the developer just based the maps in this game off the maps in any given Call of Duty game. “Single- and Multiplayer modes, including Challenges, Deathmatch, Instant Battle, and Co-operative missions;” I have a feeling you will not find anyone to play with in this game. “Voxel Tank Battle – Future Warfare is developed by Bonvivid Game, independent developer, Voxel Tank Battle will release in the first half of 2016 on PC as a digital download.” Wait, you are telling me that this game with really mediocre graphics is NOT mad by a big game studio like Ubisoft or Activision? Incredible!

Best Comment: Skoardy: “If you feel like putting some effort in an adapting your mobile game to a desktop format and submitting that game, I’ll happily vote yes or no but I give instant ‘no thanks’ when devs just dump mobiles on Greenlight.”

That ball is about to fall off and die. It has the right idea.

Ball Roller

This is a game in which the play rolls a ball. That is it. The player rolls a ball and uses one button to keep its momentum going. Seriously, the game’s description goes out of its way to know the player only presses one button. This is the entire game. This is apparently what someone feels is worthy of showing off to the public at large. Also, according to some commentators on the game’s description, this is just the tutorial that Unity provides you with when you first start using the engine. Why the “developer” of this “game” thought anyone would care/buy/even want to see this is beyond me. Oh wait, this sentence from the game’s description should explain everything: “when you go there the game you can meet a lot of strange things thats gonna surprise you” It all makes sense now! Not just this game, but life itself. I now have extreme clarity in my mind and soul, and it is all thanks to the description of a Steam Greenlight game that is basically just one long sentence (Seriously, check it out. There is no punctuation in the entire description) and the final line is gibberish. I now know true peace.

Best Comment: skull_trumpet.gif: “Let’s get the ball rolling with a big, fat NO.”

No! Watch out for the X-Wing LEGO sets!

Time to Shoot

Just based off this game’s screenshots I am going to assume it is about terrorists attacking a LEGO factory. I think the player is trying to defend the LEGO pieces while the terrorists are trying to steal them? I mean, that kind of makes sense. Have you seen the prices for these LEGO sets?! $50 US for a set that takes like an hour to build. I mean, I know there is a lot of engineering and planning that goes into a lot of these sets but that is ridiculous. Back in my day $50 would get me a PlayStation 2 game AND a chocolate bar. Now, keep in mind that we never ate the chocolate while playing our new game. That would just get the controller messy. I usually went for a Butterfinger or a Crunch bar. Sometimes a 100 Grand bar. Those were my favorites. Back in those days I could easily scarf down one of those chocolate bars. I was like a hog during feeding time. Now I can barely get through half of one. They are just too sweet for my tastes these days. I think it is all the GMOs or whatever that the government is putting in our food to control the population. Oh, you do not believe me? Just Google search “GMOs and Government Killing…” What was that? Oh, it’s time for my pills? Thank you very much, young lady. You know, you remind me of a sweetheart I had in high school. She had red hair, just like you, and… she… zzzzzzzzzzz.

Best Comment: Dr. B00t: “your school project looks good…i hope you get a passing grade”

Pssst, hey! Click on this picture for a surprise!

Syrinx – The Temples Down

This is a first for Steam Greenlight. We have seen crappy games (a LOT of crappy games), some mediocre games, clones of other popular games, but now we have a game based off a song. The song 2112 by Rush, to be exact. According to the game’s description the player controls “Jon,” a pilot who rebels against the government of his world after the death of his brother. I am assuming at the government’s hands. I’m also assuming that these events take place in the song the game is based off of. I’m not a big enough Rush fan to know all the lyrics. I also cannot see anything in the game’s screenshots, because the developer decided to set his game’s brightness settings to “the darkness that Bane claims to be born from.” Oh, and the graphics looks like they came straight from the original Command and Conquer games. All in all, a great entry in Steam Greenlight. Which basically means it STINKS!

Best Comment: DovenGuardVI: “This looks really boring and uninspired. I’ll pass.”