Lusipurr.com – Presenting the Sundry Opinions of Lusipurr and Friends

Now presenting the Lusipurr.com New-and-Improved Saturday News! …What, today is Friday? So I already fucked up? DAMMIT!

Actually, this was a deliberate action. Due to a temporary schedule rearrangement, the news of the week will be posted today, Friday January 29th. All future Saturday news posts will be made on (duh) Saturday. Sorry for the interruption to your usual schedule, now on to the news!

The Posture and Bone Structure of the Average Gamer

Bringing Sexy Back

Assuming by “sexy,” you mean bow-legged with a crooked spine. Rickets, a debilitating bone disease caused by a Vitamin D deficiency leaving the body unable to absorb calcium, is typically only seen in impoverished countries and formerly Victorian-era Britain. But no more! The Telegraph is reporting that there has been a resurgence of rickets, and are pointing fingers at the internet and the video game industry. With more and more young people shunning the outdoors in favor of their couch, the lack of sunlight leaves the body unable to produce the necessary vitamin. The obvious solution to this is for video game developers to make a system that you could take outside, a portable device if you will. But alas, I do not think they will ever make such a fantastical device. Enjoy your mangled limbs.

Stop Masturbating About the iPad Long Enough to Read This Article

Despite its appearance, it is not the prototype for Apple's iTampon.

Seriously, you have been yanking it since the press release on Wednesday, your exhausted dick will thank you. Do you want a portable music player with half the functionality of an iPod, a frustrating interface, and OMFG pretty colors? Then good news! Samsung debuted the TicToc at the 2010 Consumer Electronics Show earlier this month, and tween girls rejoiced at the thought owning one in bright pink. This device looks like a bullet vibrator, and its method of operation is the same as a bottle of ketchup: you shake it to get a result. Shake it down to change the volume, shake it up to change the song. The only versions announced so far are 2GB and 4GB, presumably because adding more songs than that would cause you to hurt yourself by continuously shaking your MP3 player like a whore giving a dry handjob. The only thing I believe I would want to do with this device is upload the intolerable Ke$ha song of the same name, and introduce it to Mr. Sledgehammer. …Alright, it is now safe to resume your furious fapping frenzy.

Unfortunately, the adorableness makes the loli police force rather unsuccessful.

“BUT SHE SAID SHE WAS EIGHTEEN!”

Unless you fap to lolis, then you should continue to hold back for just a few moments longer. Christopher Handley, the Iowa man who plead guilty in May of 2009 to possessing loli hentai, was supposed to be sentenced on Monday, but the defense and prosecution jointly decided to push the hearing back to February 8th. He was originally charged with the crime in July of 2007 when the United States Postal Service determined that the manga he had ordered depicted underage females engaged in sexual activity. Apparently the mailman was not an otaku and didn’t realize that lolis are the number one export of Japan. Handley faces up to fifteen years in prison and a US$250,000 fine. Thousands of Pedobears anxiously await the court’s decision so they can weigh whether or not its worth it.

Most Pathetic Story of the Week

Her biggest fans, all of whom will never have a chance with her.

On Wednesday this week, the 2010 Taipei International Book Exhibition opened, and there are at least twenty fanatical men who are glad they no longer have to sleep on the pavement. They are not homeless, but instead are obsessed with the anime voice actress Rie Kugimiya, known best for her roles in the popular series Toradora!, Shakugan no Shana, and Full Metal Alchemist. Though they knew she would not show up until the 27th, they started lining up as early as the 3rd in order to get the autograph of the tsundere queen, with one man even driving 367 kilometers (229 miles) every day to hold a spot in the queue. The authorities have tried driving them away, but this group is determined to see their seiyuu princess. Gentlemen, take my humble female advice: if you have sat outside waiting for us for over three weeks, it does not matter if we think you are romantic or just a stalker. Either way, you will still smell like ten kinds of rotten ass and, unless this woman is ridiculously kinky, chicks do not dig the smell of rotten ass.