The summer has arrived–and, with it, the annual Lusipurr.com Donation Drive!
Flash back to the summer of 2009: Lusipurr.com launches the first site-wide, participatory feature, a playthrough of Final Fantasy IX. Now, flash forward to the summer of 2016: Lusipurr.com launches another site-wide feature, this time for a Smash Bros. Tournament. Now flash back to the Summer of 2011: Lusipurr.com launches a Summer Fundraiser drive. Now flash forward to the summer of 2017 as Lusipurr.com refines the Summer of Smash in an attempt to give readers even more participation than ever before (as evaluated on a non-linear, Cup Noodle-based evaluative matrix). For the present, hold temporal position as the preceding series of flash backs and flash forwards momentarily pauses.
Overview: Time to flash forward to the second paragraph of this featured post: Lusipurr.com begins an explanation of the fundraiser rules, terms, and conditions for the benefit of would-be participants. At the end of July, a Super Smash Bros. for Wii U Tournament will be held without any human players. Instead, the tournament will use Amiibo figure players, fully levelled but without customisation. Each Amiibo will represent a $10 donation in the Summer Fundraiser. All events will be broadcast live on Twitch, with commentary from Lusipurr and other staff members as available. Flash forward (again!) to a list of prizes.
First Place: A Lusipurr-completed featured review (at least 1,000 words) of the selected game (exclusions apply as below).
Second Place: An archived Lusipurr weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream) and a poem written about the experience of playing the game.
Third Place: An archived Lusipurr weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream).
Last Place: An archived weekly livestream episode of at least one hour playing the selected game (subject to exclusions based on ability to stream) by donator’s choice of any streaming staff member other than Lusipurr.
All Participants: Entry into the end-of-the-year drawing to win a new game on Amazon or Steam valued at up to $80 US.
Shipping Note: Physical prizes require the provision of a mailing address.
How to Participate
1. Each $10 donated will allow for the selection of an Amiibo from the list below to be used in the tournament. Unclaimed Amiibos are bold in the list. Donators do not receive the Amiibos.
2. Donators select the available Amiibo(s) of their choice, and will post their selection in the comments thread below after donating. Once an Amiibo has been claimed, it may not be claimed by any other donator.
3. Donators also select the game(s) of their choice, per Amiibo, subject to the exclusions below. Once a game has been selected, it may not be selected again for any other entry.
4. Stages may not be selected. For each non-final round, stages will be chosen at random. In non-final rounds, item availability will be on, with default load-out and frequency.
5. The final round will be played on Final Destination with no items.
6. Qualifying donations will be accepted before 00:00 (US Eastern) on 29 July, 2016. The tournament bracket is available online in the post below, and will be updated with a broadcast schedule at a variety of times. Broadcasts will take place on Saturday 29 July and Sunday 30 July.
7. Multiple entries are permitted. Staff members may participate.
• Battles will be set to three stock with a fifteen minute timer (used to enforce a result).
• In the event of a tie, play-offs will be held between the tied characters to enforce a result.
• In the qualifying and knock-out rounds, eight characters compete in a single battle with the top four characters proceeding to the next round.
• In the quarter-final and semi-final rounds, four characters compete in a single battle with the top two characters proceeding to the next round.
• For non-Final rounds, stages are selected from a list at random with default item activation, as given above.
• The final round takes place between four characters in a single battle, competing for first through fourth place.
• The final round will be played on Final Destination with no items.
Platforms: Available for play on Nintendo consoles or handhelds (excluding Virtual Boy, Digital DS/DSiware, and some N64 titles); all Sony PlayStation consoles or handhelds; Sega Genesis and MegaDrive (including some games requiring the 32X and Sega CD expansion).
Region: Released in the North America region in English.
Publisher: Legitimately published full releases: no self-published, pre-release, knock-off, unofficial, browser, or otherwise incomplete titles.
Availability: In circumstances where availability is a problem (due to scarcity, cost, or compatibility), entrants will be offered the chance to select an alternative game or receive a refund.
Exclusions: No MMOs, no games requiring a subscription or monetary transactions, and no non-game ‘entertainment software’ (i.e. there must be valid victory/defeat conditions, rules, possibility of failure, etc.). Games with an online component may be rejected at Lusipurr’s discretion. In addition, several games have already received a full LusiReview and are excluded from selection. Any game already owned by Lusipurr is available.
List of Characters and Games selected by Donators
Bayonetta: HuniePop (Adeki)
Bowser: Friday the Thirteenth (Dancing Matt)
Bowser Jr.: Kitty’s Power Matchmaker (Adeki)
Captain Falcon: Alpha Protocol (Lane)
Charizard: Raven’s Cry (Lane)
Cloud: Final Fantasy X (Sebahamut)
Corrin: Shaq Fu (Corrine)
Dark Pit: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Lane)
Diddy Kong: Total Recall (Clinton)
Donkey Kong: Donkey Kong Country Returns (Dancing Matt)
Dr. Mario: Super Mario 64 (Dancing Matt)
Duck Hunt: Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Dancing Matt)
Falco: Secret of Evermore (Dancing Matt)
Fox: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) (Clinton)
Ganondorf: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Dancing Matt)
Greninja: Saint’s Row 2 (Lane)
Ike: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) (Imitanis)
Jigglypuff: Duck Hunt (Clinton)
King Dedede: Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (Dancing Matt)
Kirby: Illustion of Gaia (Dancing Matt)
Link: Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls (Lane)
Little Mac: Ghostbusters (NES) (Clinton)
Lucario: Utawarerumono: Mask of Deception (Lane)
Lucas: Final Fantasy VII (Dancing Matt)
Lucina: Crystalis (Dancing Matt)
Luigi: Banjo Kazooie (Corrine)
Mario: Hakuouki: Stories of the Shinsengumi (Lane)
Marth: Star Trek (2013) (Imitanis)
Mega Man: Secret of Mana (Dancing Matt)
Mewtwo: Super Pitfall (Clinton)
Meta Knight: AD&D: Heroes of the Lance (Dancing Matt)
Mii Brawler: Streets of Rage (Corrine)
Mii Gunner: Aladdin (SNES) (Corrine)
Mii Swordfighter: Secret of the Stars (Clinton)
Mr. Game & Watch: The Goonies II (Dancing Matt)
Ness: Secret of Monkey Island (Dancing Matt)
Olimar: Bubsy 3D (Corrine)
Pac-Man: Darkman (Dancing Matt)
Palutena: Action 52 (Clinton)
Peach: Chrono Trigger (Dancing Matt)
Pikachu: Sonic Boom: Ryse of Lyric (Lane)
Pit: Knuckles Chaotix (Clinton)
R.O.B. Alien3 (Dancing Matt)
Robin: Syberia 3 (Lane)
Rosalina: Devil’s Third (Lane)
Roy: Watch Dogs (Lane)
Ryu: Earnest Evans (S.T.)
Samus: Metroid Prime (Dancing Matt)
Sheik: Quest 64 (Clinton)
Shulk: Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper (Lane)
Sonic: Phantasy Star 4 (S.T. for Korusi)
Toon Link: Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons (Korusi)
Villager: Hatoful Boyfriend (Lane)
Wario: Fester’s Quest (Dancing Matt)
Wii Fit Trainer: Wllow (Dancing Matt)
Yoshi: Superman (N64) (Clinton)
Zelda: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Dancing Matt)
Zero Suit Samus: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals (Imitanis)
Milestone 1 (UNLOCKED!): Super Reetin Bros.
In 1989, the Super Mario Bros. Super Show debuted on televisions in North America, delighting children of every age. Expertly choreographed and with Emmy-winning voice acting and Noble Prize-winning dialogue, the Super Maro Bros. Super Show was such a hit that at the time it was declared retroactively responsible for the end of the Cold War and the onset of the Era of Good Feelings. However, history has been less kind, choosing instead to hold the show responsible for the decline of culture in general and music in particular. The show’s star, the late Captain Lou Albano, was a good friend with the queen of 80s pop, Cyndi Lauper. No doubt the show’s cancellation in 1991 is directly responsible for Cyndi Lauper’s fade from the limelight and the general descent of the world into musical chaos.
Now, Lusipurr.com can give readers the chance to travel back in time (virtually), by ordering Reetin (recently hit by a semi) and Durga (recently seen fleeing from a collison-damaged semi) to don clothes appropriate to the situation as they stand in front of Reetin’s professional green screen and re-create the Super Mario Bros. Super Show Opening Credits. Cyndi Lauper will return to greatness. The ’80s will live again. Don’t stop believin’!
Upon reaching the first donation milestone:
• Reetin will create and wear a Mario costume.
• Durga will create and wear a Luigi costume.
• Using a green screen, they will re-create the opening titles to The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
• They will look ridiculous. You will laugh.
Milestone 2 (UNLOCKED!): Lack Butler
On 14 October, 1066, at the Battle of Hastings, Duke William’s Norman cavalry forces charged the defences of King Harold’s Saxon fyrd pikemen. In a critical moment, as the Duke’s cavalry were crashing on the spears, the word went about that the Duke himself had been slain. The Norman forces looked about for their leader in the blood and carnage, and they began to waver. Amongst the dying Normans were Olivia de Fougeres and Sir William de St. John. In that moment, perhaps, Sir William de St. John turned his eyes heavenward and made a deal with some supernal force for the protection of his infant son, John, born less than a year ago and still living in Normandy. –Or perhaps, whispers suggest, he sought the assistance of some more subterranean authority. Whatever the case, Duke William tore off his helmet at the crucial moment of the battle, showing his men that their lord yet lived. He rallied his forces and, hours later, it was King Harold who lay dead. Duke William, the Norman invader, became William the Conqueror, King of England.
In Normandy, the orphaned John de St. John grew to adulthood, cared for by family. Without living parents, his future was not of the highest priority, and he married Emma Harcourt, a woman of no very great station. Their son, Roger de St. John, moved to Sussex, where he married Cecily de la Haye, daughter of Sir Robert de la Haye, a minor aristocrat and, like Roger, a Norman expatriot. It was their daughter, Maude de St. John, who married John de Port, son of Henry de Port, Sheriff of Castle Southampton. When Maude had a son, Adam, he became Baron Adam, Governor of Castle Southampton, eventually coming to dwell as Lord of Portchester Castle, Hampshire. Thence, by direct descent, came Lusipurr himself–but it would have all been for naught, had it not been for a dying father’s plea on the battlefield at Hastings, if legend is to be believed.
But now, pulling back the veil of history and the mists of uncertainty, a curious servant is revealed to have been assisting the descendants of Sir William de St. John–a butler of indifferent skill and uncertain disposition. Across ages and times, the uncertain and even dubious fortunes of the family have been subtly protected by this mysterious figure. Some say he cannot complete an opera; and, that he endlessly revists prior locales, in which he becomes lost. All we know is that he is called Sebahamut.
Upon reaching the second donation milestone:
• Sebahamut will come to stay with Lusipurr, serving as his butler for one full day, from midnight to midnight.
• The key events will be filmed, and the total footage will be cut into a feature presentation of approximately 90 to 120 minutes in duration (not counting outtakes).
• Editing will be performed by Adeki. He alone bears responsibility if this becomes the next Christmas Spectacular
2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013.
He is one Hell of a butler.
Milestone 3 (UNLOCKED!): Arousing Adeki, Sickened S’Noob
Cindy Crawford. Kate Moss. Claudia Schiffer. Twiggy. All famous, all models, all conventionally beautiful. At Lusipurr.com, we seek unconventional beauty–and, as SiliconNooB, Doctor of Feminism, will confirm, we believe in a true equality of the sexes. For too long, society has treated the exposed female body, curvy yet slender, lissom yet ample, as the height of human beauty. –But no longer! At Lusipurr.com, we challenge traditional expectations, we defy convention, and we break down barriers. We will put Adeki in a bikini in this decade and do the other things–not because they are easy, but because they are hard.
Upon reaching the third donation milestone:
• The site will purchase for Adeki a selection of Kirby-themed intimate apparel.
• Modelling these selections, Adeki will provide lingerie-model-style photographs of the results.
• SiliconNooB will provide a detailed fashion review of each piece.
• Kirby underwear and lingerie for small, teen girls. Adeki will model it. He will take pictures. The pictures will be here, where you can see them.
• Let us be clear: big fat Adeki. Rolls of fat. Jiggles like a jelly. Think ‘infant Jabba the Hut’. In tiny, itty bitty, pink, Nintendo bikini panties.
• SiliconNooB may never sleep again. You may never sleep again. This could spell the end for humanity.
• Adeki is 18 now so this is totally legal!
What has been seen cannot be unseen…
FINAL Milestone (UNLOCKED!):
Lusipurr’s Epic Final Fantasy VI Fanficstravaganza
When Final Fantasy VI was released in October 1994, it affected Lusipurr greatly. Until that point, he had contented himself with the mere ad-libbed composition of insulting, rhyming doggerel when pursued by bullies. Climbing trees, leaping from limb to limb, he would laugh and shout gleeful, amusing nonsense to confound and enrage his foes until, foiled by his physical and mental dexterity, they would seek another, easier target for their oafish depredations.
However, after Final Fantasy VI, Lusipurr began to commit his creative writings to print: for the first time, he engaged in non-fiction literary endeavours. Gone, at last, were the days of diligently recording historical events and philosophical musings about the nature of epistemology and Kant’s approach to beauty and the sublime. And what was to be his first creative work? Why, a complete theatrical presentation of Final Fantasy VI, expanded–of course–to take advantage of modern theatre’s every convenience and contrivance. Eventually registering over sixty pages of single-spaced, edge-to-edge 10pt typeface, and written entirely in MS-DOS Text Editor, the text greatly expanded minor roles like those of Biggs and Wedge, and treated the plot of Final Fantasy VI as a matter of high comedy–at least, by the estimates of a high school freshman. And despite its length, it reached no farther in the storyline of Final Fantasy VI than the depature from Narshe. Sadly, it is likely (although not yet certain) that this original text has been lost to time, stored as it was on a 3 1/2″ floppy disk, and in a single print copy. But why let a simple thing like the ephemerality of the text stand in the way of literary greatness?
Upon reaching the final donation milestone:
• Lusipurr will exhaust every effort to find the floppy disk or printed script and retrieve it for performance.
• If that is impossible, Lusipurr will create it anew, to the best of his ability and memory.
• The entire script will be performed LIVE by the entire Lusipurr.com staff, in a livestreamed special.
• The performance will also be released as a feature podcast presentation.
And upon exceeding the final donation milestone:
• For every $20 received above the final milestone at the end of the donation drive, Lusipurr will add another Final Fantasy character to the script, beginning with FFVI and then branching outwards to other games in the series as necessary.
Could this be the greatest literary moment of the modern era?
Base Characters: Biggs, Wedge, Terra, Narshe guards, Kefka, Gestahl, Arvis, Locke, Mog, and Imperial troopers.
CHARACTERS ADDED: 1 (Kupek)
Amount needed for next character: $20
A LANE STRETCH GOAL!?: The Great Lusipurr Lunch-Off!
Dissatisfied with Lusipurr’s decision not to provide the site’s rabid readership with stretch goals, Lane has emerged from the overheated wastes of the American southwest. Shambling forward with hands outstretched, clasping dollar bills in each meaty fist, the returning champion of the original Summer of Smash has determined that the readership WILL NOT BE DENIED! And therefore, pursuant to this noble cause, he has wheeled forth from its place of storage the fabled THE FALLEN SUN: TEXAN GRILL ‘N’ STILL: HOT DOGS & MOONSHINE pushcart–a pushcart which was NOT destroyed in the legendary Lusipurr.com Headquarters Relocation of July 2012–eager to provide Lusipurr with luncheon for his delectation and subsequent judgement.
For every $50 raised beyond the final donation milestone:
• Lusipurr will order Lane to prepare a new dish, selected from his favourite meals.
• Lane will prepare the requested dish and will ship it special delivery as a perishable good to Lusipurr.
• Lusipurr will eat the dish on stream, and will prepare a write-up review.
• If Lane poisons Lusipurr, he forfeits his possessions, capital, and family to a life of servitude to the site.
Bon appetit, pard’ner!
MEALS ORDERED: Ø
Amount needed for next meal: $30
TOURNAMENT BROADCAST SCHEDULE
Times are in 24-hour format, US Eastern.
Saturday 29 July 2017
15:00 – Qualifying I (A, B, C, D)
18:00 – Qualifying II (E, F, G, H)
21:00 – Knock-Out (I, J, K, L)
Sunday 30 July 2017
15:00 – Quarter Finals (M, N, O, P)
18:00 – Semi-Finals (Q, R)
21:00 – Final (S) and Loser Bracket (T)