Editorial: Three Gaming Related Celebrities Who Should Be Shot Into the Gosh Darned Sun ASAP

Some people need to be shot into the Sun. This is just an unavoidable fact of life that we as a species have to accept whether or not it is a “convenient” truth. The editorial laid before the reader is filled with three large inconveient truths that have nothing to do with Al Gore or the internet that he invented in his free time as a youth.

Life is a game and that bastard is winning.

Just look at him.

First off, Jimmy Fallon should have been shot off into the sun a long long time ago. The host to end all hosts, Jimmy Fallon has continuously been annoying on tv for over a decade, torturing those in retirement homes who are unable to choose which channel to watch late at night. But some may ask, “how is Jimmy Fallon a gaming related celebrity?” The answer being that Jimmy Fallon tries to make his enjoyment of video games a loveable “quirk” to separate himself from other television stars. Oh no, a celebrity on tv who enjoys playing video games? What a weird but charming man! This has led to appearances by Nintendo on his show, even displaying the (at the time) coveted Nintendo Switch before its release. During this visit, Fallon physically could not shut his mouth and kept talking hours after the episode had finished taping. This is not an uncommmon occurence either, Jimmy Fallon is often forcibly placed into the “talking room” where he continues to talk to a non-existant live studio audience for hours and hours in order to tire him out. Needless to say, it is nothing short of a travesty that Jimmy Fallon is still not on a rocket set directly for the center of our solar system.

The sole thing stopping us from getting hot alien babe's numbers: the lack of cosmic scale basketball

Get ready for Space Jam 2!

Next up is none other than Kobe Bryant, a famed basketball player who shares his talent with the Los Angeles Lakers. Bryant enjoys games in the “Call of Duty” franchise and has even appeared in a commercial for one of the games, however this is not why he should be shot into the sun. No, instead, NASA should shoot Kobe Bryant into the Sun in order to see if it is possible for the Sun to be slam dunked. While nerds like Elon Musk continue to test rockets and see if they can fly to Mars, they fail to realize the simple beauties in life like being able to slam dunk a celestial body. For decades humans have been trying to find life on other planets but they do not understand that to create communication with between aliens and humans, humankind must do something to capture the alien’s attention. What else would capture an extra-terrestial’s gaze that to see the Sun being slam dunked by one man? A mere spec of dust when compared to the grand cosmos in its entirety moving a slightly larger object when compared to the grand comsos…around the size of a dust bunny perhaps. Kobe Bryant is a perfect candidate to slam dunk the Sun deeper into the ever-growing hoop that is the Universe because of his tremendous skill, and the fact that Shaq demanded way too much money.

He would be such a better late night host than Jimmy Fallon.

His eyes convey power that is not of this plane.

Last but certainly not least is Wilford Brimley, a man not often recognized for being involved in the video game industry. Unbeknownst to most avid gamers, Brimley did in fact star in a rom hack of River City Ransom entitled Wilford Brimley Battle. In this hack, Brimley runs around the neighborhood beating the shit out of local youths like a hero. So why should he be shot into the Sun? Just to see what happens. Wilford Brimley is super old and has looked like he was about to die for years, so it is more than likely that he could survive being shot into the flaming hot core of the Sun. No really, that was the only reason. No need to continue reading this editorial because it is officially over. Hopefully everyone had a safe April Fool’s Day and did not have a heart attack from some sort of surprise. Wilford Brimley sure has not had a heart attack any time recently, if anything he just gets stronger with time. Like some sort of diabetic vampire that feasts on the youth of others. Maybe Wilford Brimley is a vampire? That may have to be investigated in next year’s post. Just look at that mustache, normal people do not grow mustaches like that without murdering some innocents. Technically it is possible that Wilfrod Brimley is a completely normal person who just so happens to have aged in a certain way, but it would be much more interesting to analyze his life as if he was a blood-slurping fiend.

11 Comments

  1. Adeki
    Posted 2017.04.01 at 21:07 | Permalink

    I still haven’t been fired.

  2. Korusi
    Posted 2017.04.01 at 21:12 | Permalink

    It’s never too late.

  3. Adeki
    Posted 2017.04.01 at 21:13 | Permalink

    @Korusi: >.>

  4. Dancing Matt
    Posted 2017.04.01 at 22:01 | Permalink

    Speaking of Al Gore, does anyone know what that silly sod is up to lately?

  5. Adeki
    Posted 2017.04.02 at 00:15 | Permalink

    @Dancing Matt: Believe it or not, I actually do know what he’s up to because he announced a sequel to “An Inconvenient Truth” named “An Inconvenient Sequel.”

  6. Korusi
    Posted 2017.04.02 at 02:00 | Permalink

    Meanwhile I thought Lusipurr would have done a piece talking about how he has come to terms with the Collectors Edition of FF12 and will gladly pay the 200 dollars.

  7. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2017.04.02 at 04:18 | Permalink

    Mr Shitface needs to be fired into the sun.

  8. Dancing Matt
    Posted 2017.04.02 at 14:47 | Permalink

    @Adeki: “An Inconvenient Sequel” …does not sound good. When I went to see the first movie, I was strung-out and needed all the Al Gore I could possibly take. But now, he had better be damn on-point and timely or else he can just shove off and eat crackers ’til the end of it all. Or, it can be a grand tour-de-force visual document of the Earth’s spectacular beauty, with little or no narration until the very end… “And all of this will be gone forever, unless we act now. I’m Al Gore, by the way.”

    How about Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Game,” like a Civilization thing where you start out in an advanced industrialized society and have to protect natural resources and move to clean, renewable energy in a political and economic environment which is hostile to change. I think it could work as an edutainment mobile app.

  9. Adeki
    Posted 2017.04.02 at 22:21 | Permalink

    @SiliconNoob: I don’t know who Mr. Shitface is but if he has Shitface for a name it’s more than likely a trip to the Sun would do him good!

    @Dancing Matt: Al Gore comes and goes like the wind he wishes to harness for renewable energy. And as for a potential game, if Gore can invent an internet I see no reason why he can not create a best-selling video game that teaches players the importance of conserving resources and using them efficiently. Playing a game would be MUCH more entertaining than having to watch his documentary in class.

  10. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2017.04.03 at 01:46 | Permalink

    It’s an anagram of Tim Shafer.

  11. Adeki
    Posted 2017.04.04 at 22:06 | Permalink

    @SiliconNooB: SEND HIM TO THE SUN.