News: World Bioware Day

Nightmare fuel.

Say hello to Andromeda’s female lead!

Biotoxicity

Bioware has spared no expense when it comes to the nuanced facial animations in Mass Effect: Andromeda, which is why they hired professional Hollywood actors Hayden Christensen, Orlando Bloom, and Shrek to model their character performances on. It is because of this fine attention to detail that EA’s Blake Jorgensen has boldly projected to shareholders that the game will sell some three million copies during its launch week, and a further three million copies thereafter. The Game’s producer, Michael Gamble, certainly appears to share in this bullish confidence, tweeting:

This is it. The game is in reviewers hands. In 5 years, I think we have created something magic. We humbly hope you all agree when you play.

The game certainly looks to be magic – of a sort. No doubt this will finally be the title to prove that games are art! Mass Effect: Andromeda‘s gameplay designer, Manveer Heir, seems to share that sentiment, and puts it down to one crucial element in the formula:

Less white men in game development and as our game characters. Diversity will lead to better creative endeavor IMO.

Stunning and brave! Remember white devils, diversity is our strength, and that is what will make video games great again!

But seriously, what a shitshow the release of Mass Effect: Andromeda is shaping up to be! The game has not yet been released, and already it is one of this year’s biggest memes. FemRyder looks like she was modeled on a good luck troll with constipation, the Asari look like they have been redesigned to look like a mutated hybrid of Amy Schumer and Shrek [insofar as there is a distinction], and all of the game’s characters emote like people who have suffered from a severe stroke. Moreover, character animation is completely fucked, leading to many a .gif of the game’s characters performing ridiculous crabwalks – and that is when characters even animate at all. On occasion a character’s animations will fail to load entirely, leaving them standing rigidly in a T-stance. And then there is the game’s majestic cutscene choreography, which features, among other things, Hollywood-style fake punches that fail to connect, and people firing guns while holding them backwards!

Overall it sounds like Mass Effect: Andromeda‘s combat is better than it has ever been, but the writing is a fanfic-tier cringefest. It is not just the internet community that has made a laughing stock of the game, as even the SJW lugenpresse is walking back from their support for the game. To be fair there still seems to be a fair number of game blogs shilling for the game, but other publications have been scathing. Rock, Paper, Shotgun was particularly unflattering in their appraisal:

Yeah, about that. The first few hours of Andromeda are a gruesome trudge through the most trite bilge of the previous three games, smeared out in a setting that’s horribly familiar, burdened with some outstandingly awful writing, buried beneath a UI that appears to have been designed to infuriate in every possible way.

I’m at a loss. What I expect from BioWare is slightly dodgy combat, but splendid writing and characters. What I’ve seen so far is some decent enough combat (but nothing beyond what you’d expect in a third person shooter), and some of the most dreadful writing. I cannot emphasise enough how poor it’s been.

it’ll merrily change which mission you’re pursuing without telling you! I was following this dumb murder mystery side quest, but because there was a main story plotline on the same planet it decided to switch its pursued quest to that one. It does this all the damned time. It’s beyond infuriating.

Even PC Gamer seems to be no fan of the early portion of the game’s cringy writing:

'Help, I've had a stroke!'

‘My face is tired!’

Last week I wrote that I’d be fine if “Andromeda ends up being just quite a good Mass Effect game”, but today even that feels like a distant dream. I’ll caveat what I’m about to say by noting I’m only six hours in, but right now I’m not sure I even want to play much more, and that hurts given how much I was looking forward to this. Wait until you hear some of the writing, which is regularly straight up asinine.

when Ryder tries to be tough or funny or flirty she can sound like a 20-year-old’s snarky quote tweet. She’s the text above a reaction gif. I’m not saying it’s always like that. It’s just here and there that I swear I can hear the writers grinning at themselves for Ryder’s epic retorts.

it’s the companion conversations that I can’t stand. Maybe they’ve always been this way, but so often you’ll just stumble into someone’s room, ask them a simple question, and get their entire life’s Sparknotes in a long winded anecdote. I’d rather the characters didn’t straight up tell me their history and how they felt about X thing at Y time, and instead expressed more of that through behavior and performance. There’s nothing subtle about them so far.

It is going to be interesting to see how the game fares. On the one hand, Mass Effect has very strong brand recognition, with Mass Effect 3 selling six million copies, and the game adopting open world game design [which is flavour of the month]. On the other hand Mass Effect 3 was extremely controversial for its tacked on ending, and the series feels very much done at this point. Andromeda is not even a mainline entry in the series, but rather is a ‘gaiden’ of sorts – and non-numbered entries in a series do not tend to sell as well [just look at Resident Evil]. On top of all this Mass Effect has been dormant for five years, and now this entry in the series is gaining a huge amount of attention for being an absolute mess, and this time the controversy has occurred right before the game releases.

All in all the situation does not look too good for Mass Effect: Andromeda. The game will be available this Tuesday, March the 21st – which is World Down Syndrome Day. Not even joking.

Looks great.

Taking us back to a better time!

Afternoon Delight

Anyone who grew up with the NES will know that some of the absolute best games available for that platform were licensed games that Capcom based upon Disney properties. More specifically, these games were based upon the afternoon Disney cartoons that used to appear in a two hour bloc. Now we are set to relive our memories with the release of The Disney Afternoon Collection on April 18, where for the modest price of $20 we will be getting Ducktales, Ducktales 2, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers 2, Darkwing Duck, and Talespin. The games are being handled by Digital Eclipse, and will be available for the PS4, Xbox One, and PC.

Anybody who has seen the above announcement repeated elsewhere will have also seen the multitudes of Nintendo crybabies salting up the comments. Because this is a collection of titles that appeared on the NES, Nintendo fans are behaving as though Capcom owed them the game, and that their not receiving it is Capcom’s great betrayal of Nintendo. GoNintendo even put out a video suggesting that PS4, Xbox One, and PC owners might not even be old enough to remember these afternoon cartoons – confirming the owner of the channel as one of those retard fanboys who has never owned a non-Nintendo console. Indeed, all a local government would have to do in order to ensure that they never had to deal with icy roads again is to say that the public roads are not for Nintendo fans – at which point the rivers of zestria would flow. So in the midst of all these salty comments and all the Youtube videos of crying Nintendo fans it would seem that not a single one of them has had the presence of mind to regain their chill enough to contextualise the history of the situation. This is not the first time we have seen this happen. The team making this also made the Mega Man Legacy Collection, and that game also released on PS4, Xbox One, and PC – with nary a mention of Nintendo hardware. Regardless, just a year later the Mega Man Legacy Collection was released to 3DS, granting access to Nintendo owners. The team is very small, and the PS4 is the biggest market for this sort of thing, so they initially focus on that platform along with platforms which are architecturally similar. There is every possibility that right now the team is switching their focus to producing a 3DS version [and maybe even a Switch version], yet Nintendo fans are such mindless herds of sheep that they cannot even see this!

Figures they'd be transphobic!

A rare instance where the left’s pro-censorship agenda has come back to bite SJWs.

Gears of War: SJWs Lose their Favourite Word

Offending people is literally rape, and censoring content to prevent hurt feeling is literally the greatest duty that a progressive cuck institution like Microsoft can perform – but here is where things get pretty funny. Ever since it became obvious that gamers loved being referred to as ‘shitlords’, the word ‘fuckboy’ has become the favourite insult of SJWs. The word is practically synonymous with SJWs, but here is the thing: the term is now being removed from Gears of War 4 for being offensive. Congrats SJWs, this is the future you chose for yourselves!

The term ‘fuckboy’ was added to Gears of War 4 as part of multiplayer DLC which adds Killer Mike and El-P from some rap group named Run the Jewels as playable characters. Now the term is being removed from the game because Microsoft has received complaints, and have determined it to be a transgender slur – though one has never observed it being used in that capacity. It would be thoroughly hilarious if getting ‘fuckboy’ classified as a transgender slur was actually part of some 4chan op, though that does not seem like something that could be kept under wraps. Either way SJWs lose access to their new favourite word, and not just in the game either. Remember, if someone from Neofag ever refers to you as a ‘fuckboy’ then that is clear evidence that they are being transphobic, and Microsoft will back you up on that!

8 Comments

  1. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 03:32 | Permalink

    Plenty of late breaking Bioware news that is going to make it into next week’s post. This is turning into a fullblown scandal.

  2. Dancing Matt
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 08:49 | Permalink

    Whenever a developer says “less white men” instead of “more people of colour,” they are acting hatefully. I’ve never read/heard the term “fuckboy” before, but have a hard time imagining it as an insult against specifically transgender folk. More like the “kept boys” that men in power (like Ray Cohn and Dr. Dre) have while being on the DL. People left and right really need to stop with the hate speech though; it’s self-defeating if anything.

    I think that with Disney Afternoon Collection, the people who only have Nintendo consoles are also the most likely to buy old cartoon licensed games, whether or not they came out on NES (or else what though, Master System?) But then, Nintendo fans should be aware by now that games have to be programmed differently for their consoles, and that they’re not owed anything. Still, it would help if Capcom announced if they have plans or not for a Nintendo port. “3DS owners” are not a small market. But then again re: GoNintendo’s statement and people actually whining about this, if you’re saying you’re old enough to remember these cartoons or have played the games on NES, then please ACT like it. Make your point like an approaching-middle-aged adult or download the damn ROM already.

  3. Cari
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 10:53 | Permalink

    @Dancing Matt that’s not exactly true, people have dumped the information in Nintendo’s Virtual Console and found that the files are literally roms downloaded from the internet. So why should people be forced to pay for something that Nintendo didn’t even bother to rip themselves?

    If the argument is to make you pay for the emulator to play said games then that’s what they should do- charge you for the emulator and give you a huge library of games to choose from because that’s what they are really doing.
    Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR1uEwjx7VI

  4. Lusipurr
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 12:16 | Permalink

    @DancingMatt: the people who only have Nintendo consoles are also the most likely to buy old cartoon licensed games

    It is hard to agree with this after the Wii U debacle: I know many people who love those classic games but who didn’t buy into the Wii U–they bought PS4s instead. Capcom has got this one right, I think.

  5. Dancing Matt
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 14:05 | Permalink

    @Cari: The point I was trying to make is that all of these games are available to play for free immediately, so what are people honestly complaining about? Not being able to shut up and let them take their money fast enough? I suppose enough of them have reservations about unlicensed emulation. The Capcom collections are not Virtual Console releases though.

    @Lusipurr: You know better than I do. But I still think that they might as well mention whether they have intentions to port it or not. It’s not owed to anybody, but there is a sizeable interest there. For 3DS anyways, and that would be portable too. So do you think the people who have PS4s but not WiiUs would be interested in it for 3DS (or Vita for that matter)?

  6. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2017.03.19 at 23:09 | Permalink

    I think that with Disney Afternoon Collection, the people who only have Nintendo consoles are also the most likely to buy old cartoon licensed games, whether or not they came out on NES (or else what though, Master System?)

    I’m sure this works out on a proportional basis, but the combined audience of the PS4, Xbox One, and PC dwarfs the combined audience of 3DS and Switch by such a margin that it doesn’t even matter. Also, the PS4, Xbox One, and PC audience is more inclined to buy their games digitally, so there’s that.

    Remember, Capcom has been through this once before with the Mega Man Legacy Collection, so if that game sold more on 3DS then don’t you think they would have decided to lead with that platform this time around?

    Also, Capcom are not announcing any Nintendo ports because people too stupid to put two and two together are leaping to the conclusion that the game will not be releasing on Nintendo platforms – and some of these people will double dip when the game is made available on 3DS.

  7. Korusi
    Posted 2017.03.20 at 00:53 | Permalink

    @Dancing Matt I wasn’t sure I had understood your concerns properly but no matter I still thought it was an interesting point to bring up so I made it. Meanwhile yes it could be people wanting to ‘own’ a legitimate licence. I just think companies should sell Emulation rights to console manufacturers so they can indefinitely be made available on modern systems… but that’d be too much like right.

    Wouldn’t you spend lets say 100 bucks to have access to the entire SNES library? Better yet what about just a monthly fee to have access to every Playstation (1,2,3, ect) forever?

    (Gonna use Korusi from now on because it fits more of my other logins.)

  8. Adeki
    Posted 2017.03.22 at 18:26 | Permalink

    I’m just really happy they’re officially releasing Ducktales 2 again! Not that anything was stopping pretty much anyone from just downloading the ROM, but I think that this collection is pretty nice for the $20 price tag. That makes each game about $3, a lot better than charing $5 for a NES game like Nintendo STILL does on the Wii U Virtual Console.

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