Perhaps I give too much attention to the Tales series here at the unstoppable and glorious Lusipurr.com. In fact, I will not be wishy-washy about it. Readers, I definitely give too much attention to the Tales series here at the unflappable and ravishing Lusipurr.com.
But in the abundance of undeserving attention – positive or negative – I have overlooked the topic from the series that has the most cause to invoke a response. The name of the currency. Gald.
I am sitting here at my desk still flabbergasted that such a name is actually used in real video games all the time. I do not know where to start. I am laughing and shaking my head. Putting aside the entirely obvious lack of creativity (for now), the name itself just is not pleasant on the ears. It would be one thing if by simply changing one letter of a common valuable metal, the result was a surprisingly interesting or exotic-sounding currency name.
But that is not the case. Gald is not interesting. It is not exotic.
Gald could be a synonym for a giant pile of shit. And I am not talking about healthy horse-who-has-been-grazing-on-a-field-all-day pile of shit. I am talking about 400-pound man-who-eats-nothing-but-Doritos-and-farts-all-day pile of shit. The kind that takes three hours of wiping and a shower to be done with.
Back to the lack of creativity. I do not know what it is about Tales games that always makes me picture a bunch of idiot businessmen at a board meeting, but I must paint that picture again for how I think the name was created.
Picture this. The first Tales game is complete (I do not know which was the first Tales game and I refuse to do the research) except for the name of the currency. It is the only thing keeping the game from going gold and being released to the desperate public. Imagine there is an executive named Stan and an executive named Larry. This is the conversation between the pair that I can only imagine is a word-for-word accurate transcription of that fateful evening.
“Larry! Fuck this shit! We need a name for the money!”
“Dammit, Stan, can’t we just go with ‘gold’? Please? We’ve been here for sixty hours. This game is probably set in some sort of age with castles and shit, so nobody would care.”
“No, Larry. No. This game, Tales of Whatever is going to start the greatest RPG franchise of this and every generation. We need a unique name for the currency.”
“Fuck, I dunno, just call it ‘Gald’ then.”
“What? Are you serious? I was joking.”
“Larry! Shut up! It’s brilliant! You get a promotion, raise, and full access to the blowjob machine.”
So basically what I am saying is that this is Larry and Stan’s fault.
Tales is not the only culprit of this (I am looking at you, Kingdom Hearts. I am looking at you with a mallet engraved with the words “‘Munny’ is the stupidest fucking shit I have ever heard of”) but it is certainly one of the worst.
What about you, fine LusiSlaves? Does the term ‘Gald’ make you want to vomit for forty-three continuous hours? I cannot believe that the voice actors have to sometimes say that word in the dialogue. I bet they feel really dirty after.