It is hard to believe that it was but a few short years ago that independent game studios were as common as Tennesseans, churning out as many quality titles as Murfreesboroan fishwives popped out unwanted, unloved babies. It felt like those long days of golden sunshine and innocent laughter, palling about with friends and loved ones in the pursuit of simple pleasures would last forever, yet that may as well have been a lifetime ago. In the very bosom of our naive contentment there wormed an insidious black ooze which was to seep from the open sewer that is Bobby Nodick’s soul, spreading to encompass the length and breadth of the far-flung gaming universe as the GLOBAL ACTIVISION EMPIRE!
It began with rumblings of disquiet in the outlying sectors of the market, as though a million consumers cried out in pain, and were suddenly silenced. First to fall was the Platinum system, as Jar Jar Mikami, Hideki Binks along with their Gungan compatriots were rounded up and forced into indentured bondage on Grand Moth Biggs’ furry plantation, in exchange for Watermelon and blankets of Smallpox. In another blow, the Double Fine fleet and the Mistwalker empire found themselves routed and subsequently decimated during the Bot Wars, even as Admiral Sakaguchi was stripped of his moustache and forced to work down the ice mines of Hoth. The burgeoning Activision Empire were to play a more subtle game next by setting up a skin-tight-T-shirt blockade around the Epic Outpost, while seizing control of the Galactic Sun Glass trading routs, quickly forcing the Tokyo Vikings to capitulate to Emperor Kotick’s dastardly vision. The last hallowed bastion of the Valve fleet mounted a valiant resistance, and for the longest time looked to be succeeding, yet were ultimately undone through treachery most foul! Lured to the wayward cloud computing outpost of Mos-Texas by promises of an open platform, the good ship Valve was frozen in time for all eternity by a frivolous lawsuit delivered by the Emperor’s apprentice in the dark arts; Darth Lane. Even the fleet’s Admiral Jabba the Gabe, who had thought to flee the rout, was summarily hunted down and digested over the course of a millennia in the tepid brine of Oliver Motok’s Sarlac Pit, while his small, hairless dog Ethan laughed maniacally. The apprentice now unveiled was quick to press the Empire’s advantage by assailing the very English language itself, serving an injunction against the words ‘high quality’ being used to denote anything other than insipid and generic dross fit only for the clamouring plebeian masses.
And it was only after accruing all of these unlikely conquests that Emporor Nodick felt emboldened this week to decree of Bungee:
And it is a good thing too, because if the platinum system was not enslaved, and the Double Fine fleet and Mistwalker Empire not decimated, and the Epic outpost and the Tokyo Vikings not cowed into submission, and had the Valve fleet not been frozen in time and the English language not been amended to reverse the meaning of ‘high quality’; then Emporor Nodick would have sounded like a complete fucking retard.
Praise be to Nodick, our life is gooder now that all of our moneys are belong to him! Where once we were faced with the tyranny of variety, we now have the curative salve of predictability and incremental updates. We are all unfailingly and unfalteringly indebted to the benign regime of our Emperor Bobby Nodick, all who deny this most fundamental truth deserve no less than to be frog-marched into a lonely ditch somewhere and clubbed to death by games featuring non-conditional, free online multi-player; discuss.