News: Glitches, Bitches, and Oh Noes

ShinjiBeer

Best example of abstinence ever.

Because There Are Not Enough Gamer Virgins

Are you a slut? Do you wish that someone had told you as a young’un that being a slut is bad? While you wallow in your regret and sorrow, University of Central Florida researchers are working to ensure that no one ever has to deal with your guilt again. The game, which cost over four-hundred thousand dollars to create, has female players put on a motion-capture suit and interact with several in-game avatars that want to get into your digital pants. Members of the opposite sex will ask the player out on a date or make a dirty comment, which the player must ignore in order to win. The game is meant to be released in Spring 2011 and is primarily meant to give youth the opportunity to learn how to say “no” without the social pressures that they would face in the real world. However, in the course of reading this, one has to ask: why is there no such game for male players? And why are players only accosted by male avatars? So to all the young cocksuckers of Florida and beyond, it is okay to be a lesbian or a slutty boy.

AsukaBeer

Asuka is about as pleasant as sticking "yer manhood in the forge."

“Polishing the Mast Just Thinking About Her”

The latest gems of dialogue from the upcoming Final Fantasy XIV has the ESRB up in arms about what the game’s rating should be. Why? Aside from the above reference to masturbation, there are also multiple references to alcohol or drunken characters, as well as the word “shit.” Because we have never heard that awful word before. Also a cause for concern is the yellow or purple blood that comes from monsters’ corpses, or the lingering upward angles taken from below young women. Somehow, as with FFXI before it, Square-Enix’s MMO managed to secure a teen rating despite all of its unsavory aspects. Beta testing of the game began earlier this month on the 13th, and the full PC version game is slated for international release on September 22nd for the collector’s edition and the 30th for standard edition.  The PS3 version is still lingering with a March 2011 release date.

StarcraftRanka

Nihao nyan!

Starcraft II Mania

With the release of one of the most anticipated games of this year (or, it could be argued, this decade), Europe and the Americas saw nearly two million copies sold, with approximately thirty-one percent of that being from Battle.net downloads alone. Despite its staggering sales numbers, the reviews pouring in are quite scathing: its a great game, if it would just fucking work. Glitches and bugs riddle the game, including a delightful one that Blizzard has confirmed can easily overheat your computer due to its unlimited frame-rate screens. While they have released a fix for this particular bug, it is still plagued by compatibility issues, black screens, and even anti-virus software saying that the program is a trojan. These complaints are joined by complaints of Blizzard’s business model regarding this game: DLC everything, yet you still must pay $60 for the game. Many are saying that they purchased only one-third of a game and scoffing at Blizzard’s reliance on their fanboys…they have clearly missed the irony that they bought right into that. Fanboy logic prevails as usual.

GoldenSunDS

So we put sum 3D in yur 3DS so you can headache while you play.

Telegraphing Their Punches

Setting themselves up for the “yo dawg, I herd you like…” meme, Nintendo announced some new information this week. What information have they announced? That on September 29th, they will be announcing the release date for the 3DS. That’s it. While they have stated that the handheld system will be internationally available by March 31st, 2011, they have not assigned that date when it will actually debut on the market. Their marketing manager, James Honeywell:

“Price, we haven’t made any kind of announcement at the moment, but for everyone who already knows, you know, the Nintendo DSi is available for around £129.99. The Nintendo DSi XL, with the larger screens, is around £159.99. So obviously, it’s going to fit, kind of, somewhere within that kind of architecture.”

So there you go. If you want the Nintendo 3DS, you will have to wait until September 29th, and then you can know how much longer you need to wait and how much to pay. We herd you like being confused.

Vesperia Doggy

On three...."Awwwwwww! <3"

Still Not Bankrupt Yet

Nippon-Ichi is working their little Japanese asses off to stay alive in this market, and their latest attempt at staving off failure [Edit: I apologize for my idiocy, I confused the two studios for whatever reason. Thanks, Epyon.] Namco-Bandai is bringing the Wii-exclusive Tales of Graces to the PS3 with another PS3 Tales to follow it, as well as another Radiant Mythology title for the PSP. Of course, this is all in their Japanese market, no dates or even intentions for international release have been stated. And in a recent San Francisco press conference with NIS America’s Nao Zook, some light was shed on the localization process that they face. “Although NIS America is known for niche Japanese RPG titles, it doesn’t mean we just localize any titles released in Japan,” she said, adding that they must first decide if it will appeal to North American audiences, and if it will, how much time the localization process will take. She also does note something which our site has discussed before, WRPGs versus JRPGs. “I think it is easier to shift from Japanese-style RPGs to the Western games than the other way around,” acknowledging that there is a certain ‘wow’ factor that the constant Disgaea re-releases are not satisfying. But she still has a glimmer of hope, assuring us that the next Disgaea game will wow us. Only time can tell.

19 Comments

  1. Lane
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 15:51 | Permalink

    Ah, Neon Genesis Evangelion… you were our first introduction to “The Wide World of Weird Shit From Japan.”

    Also, fuck FFXIV. I thought I had an absolute beast of a system and it doesn’t even scratch the recommended specs. No one should require a core i7 and 400 series nVidia card with 4 gigs of RAM to play a game, especially an MMO. Those are high end video production workstation specs. Fuck you.

    I will of course be upgrading to a bleeding-edge AMD system to play the game, but only because dual 5850s in Crossfire on top of a Phenom X4 gives me a sexual thrill.

  2. Deimosion
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 15:59 | Permalink

    Because the only thing better than boobs is 14 year old psychologically troubled tsundere boobs.

    Hoo, boy. More slut shaming, just what our culture needs. Why is women wanting to fuck a bad thing in our culture? Slut shaming helps nobody and hurts everyone. Female, and like sex? Whore! Don’t want sex? Prude! Male and want sex? Too bad, her self-esteem is fucked! Male and don’t want sex? Pussy! Seriously, if people want to fuck, let them. If they don’t? Cool, they don’t have to. Persecuting people for having sex is ridiculous.

  3. Jenifer
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 16:25 | Permalink

    It should also be noted that the second picture contains a penguin, which from reading Twitter, Lusipurr has taken a particular interest in. The disturbing amount of Evangelion fanart would tell us that your assumptions about penguins is wrong in the worst possible way.

  4. Deimosion
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 16:34 | Permalink

    Which is a shame, really, because Eva is so good. Especially End of Evangelion, which is a damn good movie.

  5. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 16:42 | Permalink

    Whaaaa? NIS has been reduced to porting Tales of games? I hope that this means we can get Graces now.

  6. Breaka666
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 21:18 | Permalink

    what Deimosion said. I’ve yet to hear a single legitimate non-religious reason why poonany is bad. what’s kitten-stomppingly-frustrating to me are dudes who fuck or would want to fuck regularly and call women whores. that’s so counter productive. it’s almost as if they want blueballs.

  7. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 21:43 | Permalink

    A healthy attitude to an active and enjoyable sex life can only be a good thing, yet I would argue that there are some young girls who try to grow up far too quickly in this respect than is good for them. That said, I do not anticipate this program being of much benefit in this respect.

  8. Deimosion
    Posted 2010.07.31 at 22:14 | Permalink

    What Noober said. Sex is good (amazing, even), but people who aren’t ready shouldn’t be having it.

  9. Epyon
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 04:49 | Permalink

    I may be wrong here but I don’t think Nippon-Ichi has anything to do with the Tales of Graces port or Tales altogether. Did you mean Namco Bandai?

  10. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 05:21 | Permalink

    Yeah, I was surprised to hear that, and can’t find much on the internets to suggest that this is the case. I also know that both NIS and the Tales studio are in economic dire straits, making them somewhat easy to confuse …

  11. Ethos
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 14:17 | Permalink

    Yeah, but “aren’t ready” means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

  12. SiliconNooB
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 14:37 | Permalink

    Like when Oliver says he has a headache and you bug him for sex anyway?

  13. Jenifer
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 18:34 | Permalink

    The only reason I understand the ZOMG SEX IS BAD silliness is the plague of pregnancy. As a graduate of the high school with the highest pregnancy rate in the county, I can tell you that sex very obviously has some serious repercussions that teens don’t think about. However, some silly game like this isn’t going to do a damn thing to make them think about the consequences. The few teenage girls that they would be able to convince to put on a motion suit and play the silly game are probably the same girls you would only have tried fucking in high school just so you could say you got laid and then never tell anyone who it was with.

    And Nippon-Ichi Software = NIS, America or otherwise. I know technically speaking, one is the American branch and the other is Japan and you could argue that they aren’t related, but seeing as NIS America is pretty much done for if Nippon-Ichi dies, I don’t see the point in differentiating the two too much.

  14. Deimosion
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 18:47 | Permalink

    I firmly believe abstinence-only education which is what this game seems to be) us completely and utterly useless. My school used it…and that stopped nobody. Teens will fuck. It’s a hard fact to swallow (tee hee, swallow), but it’s true. Educating them on how to do it safely is a lot better and more effective than “DURR HURR SEX BAD”, I’d say. As someone who was in high school just a few years ago, I can safely say from looking around the hall at pregnant chicks that people were doing it. They should be more safe about it.

    And, I’ve only played about 4 or 5 NIS games, but the only one that captured my attention for ANY length of time was the first Disgaea. It’s not too surprising to me that they’re in trouble, it never seems like their games sell that well.

  15. Jenifer
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 19:06 | Permalink

    Definitely agreed. It all depends on the teen; some are going to be persuaded by abstinence-only education and it will be a gain, but for many others, it would be significantly more beneficial to give them the information they need in order to make an informed, intelligent decision. There will always be at least one girl that is an idiot and gets knocked up before the end of senior year, but a wider range of education would help reduce the number of them.

  16. Jenifer
    Posted 2010.08.01 at 19:13 | Permalink

    Also, I didn’t understand your meaning when you corrected me about it being Namco-Bandai rather than NIS. And you are correct, I confused the two studios entirely. Yay for collecting my articles at one in the morning! Thank you for the correction though.

  17. DanChiSao
    Posted 2010.08.03 at 11:02 | Permalink

    Plenty of retarded shit comes from my state. Are you really surprised anymore?

    I hate this pervasive countdown to announcements bullshit that has overtaken the gaming industry. All it does is make me get annoyed with them before the product is even on the market. I guess from a business perspective, it’s like “Well, we don’t have anything to say right now but we need to keep the name out there,” but it doesn’t do anything for the product.

    I’ve stayed away from Tales games for the most part because people haven’t had great things to say. I recently bought Vesperia to try but haven’t had time to touch it yet.

    Also, your Namco-Bandai article still references NISA’s PR Rep Nao Zook (who is a she, not a he) :)

  18. DanChiSao
    Posted 2010.08.03 at 11:09 | Permalink

    Oh, and as far as teenage sex goes, a report just came out in my county (a couple hours north of Orlando), that 25% of female high school seniors had an STD (mostly Gonorrhea or Chlamydia). Also about 5% of high school girls had a baby in my county.

    So, yes, sex is fun and all, but if you’re going to be a dumbass about it, you shouldn’t be doing it yet.

  19. Jenifer
    Posted 2010.08.03 at 16:46 | Permalink

    Gender fixed, but she is still a NIS America representative. I still don’t know how I got the two confused…I guess the Atelier and Disgaea games and the Tales series just seem similar to me? Or I’m a moron, that is also a distinct possibility.