Probably not what Marvin Gaye had in mind.
Get Your Sex, But Not Here!
Many lonely fanboys cried wimpy tears this week as Sony refused an offer made by Vivid Video, the world’s largest pornography creator of such favorites as “Debbie Does Dallas…Again!” The company’s hope was to set up an age-restricted area on PSN where adult gamers could go to download some high-definition horizontal action, but Vivid founder Steven Hirsch regrets that negotiations went limp. However, he is not going to give up on the lonely gaming masses just yet, stating he could now turn his intentions to Microsoft to possibly bring some smut to the 360. But what if you need nudity now? First, get out of the house and obtain someone of the opposite gender, this might be harder for some of you. Then, fire up your iPad or iPhone and play your new game! Which game? “War is Not the Answer,” a new game by Masaya Matsuura, creator of PaRappa. And why would your new significant other even consider getting naked to a video game? Because this game is based on the musical stylings of the one and only Marvin Gaye. Yes ladies and gents, an entire game based on “Sexual Healing.” It will play in the same Guitar Hero/Rock Band style, with users tapping a highlighted area in time with his soulful lyrics. Unfortunately, the game has no set release date yet, so you miserable losers will have to continue using your hand for now.
"Stop comparing me to Cloud, assholes!"
Final Fantasy XIII, Now Making Your PS3 a Tunnel Too!
On June 2nd, a class action lawsuit was filed against the evil overlords at Squeenix regarding FFXIII…sadly, you cannot sue for the hours of your life that you will never get back. Instead, they are suing for their PS3s which they now can never get back, as the game’s notable glitches not only froze the game, but made their systems completely inoperable with other discs as well. Of course, SquareEnix representatives are pointing the blame on Sony’s faulty system being unable to handle their awesome tunnel, while Sony says Square released faulty discs. The suit seeks damages of over five million dollars, and neither company has responded to IGN for comment.
"Teehee, its funny when you bleed!"
Only Some Gamers are Batshit Crazy
Actually, about four percent of gamers are batshit crazy, playing video games almost forty-nine hours a week. Yes, playing video games more than a full-time job. Surprisingly enough, a third of those categorized as “extreme gamers” by the NPD study were actually women, with the average age of all participants being twenty-nine. Even more interesting is the economic status of the “extreme gamer,” showing that the majority of them were actually people with a lower income than the other gamers. But, these same lower-income extreme gamers were found to buy more games than others, a staggering thirty-four game average over a three month period, which should dispel the idea that it is solely World of Warcraft’s fault. A good question the study does not answer is how much of this is Counter-Strike’s fault…probably because no one gives a shit about Counter-Strike anymore, except for one guy. Julian Barreaux, a 20-year-old nerd from northern France, spent seven months hunting down another player that killed him in-game in a knife fight. After finding that this rival lived only a few miles away, the crazy Frenchy went to the fellow gamer’s home and stabbed him, just barely missing his heart. The Counter-Strike fanatic will be held in jail for two years and must undergo regular psychiatric evaluations and anger management therapy.
Aww, such a sweet, considerate virtual girlfriend! She's giving you lube for when you go masturbating in a lonely corner while crying!
Need My Virtual Porn Now!
To begin my weekly news with porn, I needed to end it with porn, and for that, I turn to Japan. To be fair, Love Plus is not actually a pornographic game, but a dating sim that has attracted massive popularity, including a Japanese man legally marrying his imaginary digital girlfriend. This week, the obsession over the game reached a new level of ridiculous when nerds starting rioting outside of shops in Akihabara. Especially when you consider that these riots are not caused for the release of the game itself, but for pre-ordering it. Yes, the police have had to break up crowds that go enraged when they could no longer reserve a copy of a game. To be fair, these reserves are extremely rare, as the bundle (which comes with the game, a special-edition DS, and a fan) has been selling out instantly online, and to the disdain of many, has been turned around and resold on auction sites for several times the original price. It is unclear why Konami has not released enough to meet the ridiculous levels of demand, but the accosted shop owners and police officers are surely wondering the same.
